Single woman on a mission

It's been awhile....

2011-08-27T19:59:00.002-05:00

Things have been crazy busy this past year - visits to family, officially moved in together, sold my house, now we are renovating our house, and we got a new puppy. Holy crap ....just typing it all is exhausting!
We haven't had many hiccups - only one really with a friend of his who has decided she doesn't like me. She blew up over something incredibly stupid, and also dropped a bomb on me KNOWING it was something D had not told me about to cause a problem between us. At this point, he's not even really speaking to this friend (who happens to be a woman) and I can tell by the stress in his voice that he doesn't want to discuss it. I think it's a case of "I don't want him, but don't want anyone else to have him" - as they've been friends for a long time, and now she has competition. I have a friend who is a psychologist who is agreeing with me on this one -and she doesn't know any of them other than me.
We've discussed getting married - my friend R just got engaged and I'm VERY happy for her :) Just wish we could do all the fun stuff together - dress shopping, planning, ring shopping, etc. We've discussed where would do the ceremony and reception. The original idea he wanted was a destination wedding in the islands - which this "friend" would be with us - and then have everyone stay for a week to celebrate. Finally, do a reception here in town for anyone who couldn't attend. I'm not really on board with that - the main reason being I don't think my dad or best friend in Florida could afford the trip - even for the weekend. So, we've discussed other options - we both want to get married on the beach, or at least near it. I would like to get married in the spring when it's still *relatively* cool. April would be ideal to coincide with my spring break - but I don't think it's going to happen :P
On another note, I'm going to start writing a book. It's something I've been thinking about for a long time - actully since I was a kid! So, I think it's time. After we get the basement done so I can get my office back up and running, I will start making time for it. I actually have several ideas kicking around for 3 different books! Possibly a 4th....oh my! This is my over-ambitious self kicking in - one thing at a time. First - get the basement and dining room renovated - then I can start writing. We will do the remodel of the master bath in the winter since D can't really work due to the weather.
So, life in a nutshell - busy and living it to the fullest! I wish we hadn't had the issues with his friend - but it is what it is at this point. I'm still here. My opinion - she waited too long to pull this crap. If she had done this three months into our dating, I think he would have listened to her and dumped me. But, she's now accused me of so many things that he knows are absolutely not true because he KNOWS me and my personality. I mean she has pulled out ALL the stops - that I lie, I'm a drama queen, I'm insecure, I'm paranoid, I'm jealous - the list goes on. My behaviour towards her and his friendship with her is the exact opposite of all the things she has accused me of - and D knows I don't lie. I really cannot do it - I can't keep a straight face - never have been able to - I'm "the responsible one" that everyone relies on to do the right thing. So - it has backfired on her. Oh - and she basically told him she won't even come to the house if I'm here. Hmmmmm....guess what...this is MY HOME now - I live here and I'm not leaving just because she wants to come over and visit. I don't have a problem with her - so, in my opinion, she needs to get over it. Take about a drama queen! LOL Wish I would have been able to take a video of all the crap she has pulled and said - I don't think anyone would believe me otherwise!

The Big C

2010-09-11T13:11:00.002-05:00

D and I started watching this show - "The Big C" - from Showtime. We probably won't continue as it hits too close to home for him. However, something I've learned from it after the first three episodes......life is a gift and it should be lived. I'm doing that now, more than ever before. Me and vacations don't normally happen - I'm doing 4 this year. Some are just weekend trips - two are longer - one we already did in July, and the other is to St. Maarten in February (which will actually be our one year anniversary too :). If I can fit another one in during March back to Florida for a weekend - I'm going. I'm no longer living to work, but working to live. If something doesn't get done for school - I'm not panicked - I'll get to it. Right now, spending more time with D and enjoying the time we have together is much more important. Actually - just remembered - 5 trips - I *might* be going with him over Thanksgiving to visit his family (TBD based on his family's response - he says they will be fine with me going, but I'd feel better if he asked first :).

So - live your life. Don't live for work. Go out and have fun. Enjoy each day. We laugh each and every day. He smiles and it lights me up inside. I love being with him and our dogs. I've realized what's been missing from life and now that I know - I won't be missing out anymore.

Selling the house????

2010-08-07T14:58:00.003-05:00

So, D is out of town again :P and we've had some ups and downs - mostly ups. We've repainted the bedroom :) and today his neighbor helped put a new ceiling fan up. It's a surprise for him when he gets back. We've been looking for a while, and we both looked up and LOVED this one. It's actually the floor model b/c it has been discontinued - and it was a PAIN IN THE A** to get the Depot to sell it to me! OMW! SSSSSSOOOOOO, I finally got it and picked it up. It looks amazing! I'm missing him right now :( will probably go over and do some more work around his place tomorrow - mostly the yard and if I'm feeling ambitious enough, I might pressure wash the driveway - I've already done the deck and mailbox - we joked about it once, so I thought, "why not?" - I need to stay busy this weekend/week while he's gone.
So, I'm thinking about selling my house. I'm pretty much living at D's anyways, so it seems reasonable. I just don't know how to approach him about it. If it's a 'no', then I need to start staying here a little more often - not sure how that's going to work since I'm also teaching night school, and I would need dog care after school - so I'd probably have to get a service....sigh..... would really just rather move in with him and use the equity in my place and put it into his house - it has SO much potential! I know it's his house, but I want to make it our home.
So, before he left, I mentioned that it might be a good idea for us to discuss 'logistics' especially since school has begun and there's the issue of work clothes and shoes. I've been bumming around in shorts/t-shirts/sneakers all summer and those don't take up much room. His response was positive and said I shouldn't worry and we would work it out. The biggest issue is all the antiques his mom collected - they aren't family heirlooms, so I would like to help him get them cleaned out. I'm sure that he could sell them for a ton of money as well.
Can't wait for him to come back - I've really missed him this week! I know he's having a good time and it's a trip he's planned for a while - just want him back safe and sound :)

Random Acts Day!

2010-05-11T16:31:00.001-05:00

So, I had the opportunity to do not one, but TWO random acts of kindness today :) I seem to get the opp for one - and always take it :) but two within a 20 min span of time is unheard of in my world!
First, outside Publix, an older gentleman in the passenger side of the car dropped his drink (looked like ice water). I heard something hit the ground, and was mid-way to the sidewalk. He was trying to reach it and obviously could not - so, I went up and picked it up, mentioned that the straw had hit the ground and would he just like me to throw it away - he said that would be good :) So, I went into the deli department and found the guy in there that knows me pretty well and asked if I could just pay for the cup to get some ice water for the guy. He said don't worry about paying and just to do it :) So, I got outside just in time to give it to him before his driver pulled away :) His smile was worth it :)
Second - as I was leaving, a man and his VERY young daughter were in front of me in line. He was leaving and just as I was checking out, I noticed a slip on the counter for $50. I thought - Oh, he forgot his receipt and got cash out - NOPE! He had a Home Depot gift card under that receipt for $50!!! Have I ever mentioned that HD is my toy shoppe???? I called him back and he thanked me profusely - looked VERY relieved to have it back! I jokingly said something about that being my toy shoppe and I'm glad I'm an honest person - he looked at me and said - "it's mine too!" - we laughed for a second and he thanked me again :)
Good feeling today! Rest of life may be going rough - but this made up for it :)
D and I are still good - typing this from his place now :)

Progress

2010-04-25T18:39:00.002-05:00

Okay, so everything is fine - I was just being weird. He was really, really, really tired and I think that was part of the problem :(
I *think* we are making progress. We picked out some paint colors for his bedroom. The first round - not so good - green (and not my fav color - but his) - he hated it. I suggested a smoky blue - he loves it :) We've kind of looked at some ideas for re-doing his bathroom over the weekend - just shopping and looking. We have some similar tastes. It's ultimately his house, but at least he is asking my opinion and what I like/dislike - kind of nice.
I'm hoping we get to the point of moving in together. I think his house is going to have to be really, really, really cleaned out before that can happen. He still has so much of his parents stuff there in several rooms, and I think it's just hard for him to cope with on his own. We got the closet cleaned out one weekend - that was a BIG step. The next rainy weekend we will spend painting - and then he will move his parents furniture out of his bedroom and his furniture in - so it will feel more like his.
His neighbors LOVE me :) One of them has said she has never seen him like this with anyone - and as far as they know he's never dated seriously until me. We did an impromptu party one Friday night - one of his neighbors I hadn't met before asked me if I was living there already! I guess my car being there overnight (I park on the street) is kind of obvious to the neighbors... :)
I'm really enjoying the time with him and with his friends. He so loves to entertain - I enjoy it as well. It's been really, really, really hard to get work done and get caught up :P. I only have one more week of actual teaching with my AP kids, so I'm looking forward to this week ending - which means this week will probably drag as well.
I know he cares about me. I think he cares for me as much as he is able to do so right now. It's going to take some time. I think I heard a phrase somewhere that summarizes how I feel about him - I can live without him, I just don't want to. I want him in my life. I hate when I'm not with him - just hanging out. We are still "working" on that to be comfortable as I know he has to do work at home sometimes - we just treasure the time we have together so much that it makes it hard to get things done. He is still just as amazing and I love him a little more each day :)

Something...

2010-04-13T17:49:00.003-05:00

is either different, or I'm just being paranoid...I don't know which. I hope I'm just being paranoid. D sounded different on the phone tonight - normal, but just different. I also asked if he would like to stay here tomorrow (he didn't drive back today) and he said (which I can understand) that he would really like to sleep in his own bed after a week and a half - which I can understand. But odd that he didn't suggest that maybe I just stay at his place. The paranoid part of me is thinking he's changed his mind since we've been apart for almost 2 weeks....or that being around the stress of a wedding has made him think that it's something he doesn't want to do, so it might be best to just break it off with me now. The "normal" side of me is saying not to worry - he's just still tired and stressed and it's been a tough 2 weeks for him. I'm not sure how I will handle him telling me (if that's what is going to happen) that he wants to just be friends. It literally hurts to think about that happening. I've NEVER had a relationship go so well for so long - there's always something that I find that I just can't deal with - that hasn't happened here. So, I'm scared, nervous, anxious - just about every emotion possible. Today has DRAGGED on - I'm not sure tomorrow will be much better. He said he will try to call later tonight or sometime tomorrow from the road - if he does (especially if he calls back tonight) I think I will be more reassured by everything. If not, I don't think it's going to be a good night - the ugly paranoid part of me is not going to be pretty.....

Ugh....

2010-04-10T20:00:00.003-05:00

Spring break is almost done and I've NOT gotten everything accomplished that I needed to - YIKES!!! Tomorrow will be a busy day - as will Monday. BUT - only THREE.MORE.DAYS until he is back!!!!! So anxious to see him and really talk and see how he is doing after all this - it's just so much. I've already promised a VERY long full body (front and back) massage - he's going to need it! I don't think he'll stay awake for the whole thing though!
I got my hair cut/colored today - FINALLY - it's been 6 months - I didn't even realize it had been that long! It looks phenomenal! I didn't tell D I was getting it done - I can't wait to see his reaction and see if he really likes it. It's summer, so I had her put the blond (dark blond) back in for me - and do the all over color to get rid of the gray :P Looks a MILLION times better now!
I'm still sick - so that has slowed me down. I'm still going to try and get his yard done for him tomorrow - I may not get as much done as I had planned, but I still want to help in some way. Grading papers most of the rest of the day tomorrow. I still have Monday in 3 classes to play catch up with some stuff, so we'll see how that goes....sigh....need another week off!

Missing him....

2010-04-07T17:51:00.002-05:00

Even more b/c I am sick :P. I know it would not be good to have him around me, but this is one of those RARE times I just want someone to take care of me! Talked to him again today - things are going "ok" up there - he's got the yard done - except for the fence (not sure if he will get that in or not), part of the kitchen done, a screen door replaced, and today they are cleaning out the other apartment. I went over to his place to put lime on the yard - he does it to regulate the pH as his soil gets really acidic. I didn't put enough on, so pending how I am feeling, I may go back over tomorrow and put the rest of the bag on. It also needs to be mowed - that may be a Friday chore.
As a surprise, I think I'm going to put plants in his front planter by the door :) Just to brighten it up a bit as a "welcome home" kind of thing. I may go ahead and clear out the bed that runs along the driveway too - it's full of weeds and they are moving into the yard. Again - if time and pending how I feel - I may also spray the weeds down for him.
I really, really, really miss him.

gone for at least a week...

2010-04-04T07:58:00.002-05:00

D is gone for AT LEAST a week :( It wouldn't be so bad, but it's my spring break. I have Ginger as it was going to be tough for him to take her along, and it's probably good that it's spring break and having her as it allows her to be out with Jedi in the yard and they aren't just laying around the house all day. So, I know things happen for a reason, but the timing just sucks. I miss him. I know it's just a week....but things are going so well with us, I was really looking forward to spending more time with him this week. I know when he gets back, we still won't have as much time as he will be backed up with work.....sigh.....
I know I can use this week to get a lot done around the house, and do my final prep for my classes to finish up the year - that doesn't temper my disappointment that much. I miss him.

He is amazing

2010-02-24T19:10:00.002-05:00

Each time we are together - when we are apart I think of him too - he's is just the most perfect man for me! I've asked my friend A some personal questions about him - b/c he says one thing, but does another that is not in context with what he is saying. She has never seen him be affectionate with a woman he's dating in social situatons - he is with me. He's never spoken about his mom to her (she's known him for 10 years and was close to him when his mom passed) - he has spoken to me about her. I can see it in his eyes. We are so comfortable together! Last night, we laid on the couch together (he was leaning into me so I could rub his neck and shoulders/arms - he did a lot of work yesterday with lifting) and watched hockey - so nice. We are going to a game in 3 weeks - "long term" plans are good. I've stayed over several times - I'm so comfortable there - I love his house. There is so much potential to help him move past the sadness I know he feels. If it rains this weekend - we're going to probably end up painting the closet - again, something to change in the house so it is less his parents' house and more his. I have never been so happy.

It's going to be a good year....

2010-02-19T19:45:00.002-05:00

Well, after 2009 ended, things seemed to begin to do a 180 for me - and I couldn't be happier. Got a HUGE grant for a project at school :). Several of my students have made it all the way to state sci fair, and my academic competition team is prepping hard - and we got a new buzzer system! All-in-all - work has improved drastically and I am really having a good year. Beyond always being backed up with work....
I've also met the most wonderful man. We had "met" before through a mutual friend, but now we are actually dating. We never run out of stuff to talk about - 5-6 hours at a time - it's amazing. I wake up and he's the first thought I have. We have so many life parallels it's simply uncanny. I asked my "second mom" today (who has is married for the second time) - how did she know and when did she know that her husband was "the one" - she said within 3-4 days, and that she simply could not imagine NOT being with her husband. I might be jumping the gun (and of course would never tell him this....) ....I'm there. It's not that I can't live without him - I really don't think I want to. I look ahead, and I can see us together. We are so comfortable with one another it's like we've known each other for years. I've NEVER had this happen with any guy I've ever dated. He seems to instinctively know exactly what I like and definitely takes initiative (something that is incredibly important to me). I can't wait to see him again. He calls, he texts, we talk, we drink wine, we talk. I don't even care if we go out or stay in - as long as I get to be with him. We've talked about movies dozens of times - we have yet to watch one. We are just enjoying each others' company so much - we don't need to do anything else. For the first time in my life, I want someone so much that I'm really not sure how to handle it. For now, I'm living in the moment and just enjoying every minute I can. For now, that has to be enough. I'm just hoping he feels the same way.

Still having issues

2009-12-09T19:43:00.003-05:00

I'm still having some issues. I've begun to doubt everything I do - it's not too much fun. I graduate soon - I should be excited - I'm not. If I had not already paid for all the regalia crap, I'm not sure I would attend at this point. I feel guilty for taking time off work, since I had to take time already when I was sick.
I'm lonely. There's no other way to say it. I know a large part of it is my fault - but it doesn't help the situation. My "second mom" in Florida has advised me to cuddle up with my dog and not watch chick flicks - that's not really happening. She's asked me to come visit when I have break - I'm not sure if I will or not. I can - and I can probably bring my dog, I'm just not sure I can.

I'm really not sure what to do at this point beyond seeking professional help on some level - which I really don't have time for and I really don't want to do. I'm sure talking with someone will help me feel better superficially, but it's not going to solve the underlying issues that I am dealing with. I don't know what it will take to solve those.

Then there's my friend C - who I was talking with today. She has everything she has ever wanted, and yet she complains. A boyfriend who loves her and is taking her to London for the holidays - and she's complaining about how she has to spend time with him. I would give anything to NOT be alone on the holidays this year. To not have to wake up by myself to just another day. To wake up to someone special who wants to celebrate the holidays and spend time together with me. She has someone that is not only willing to do that, but willing to do that overseas with her and meet his family, and it's not good enough. I think I would give anything to trade my life for hers right now.

Acceptance is key....

2009-11-27T16:51:00.003-05:00

This will be a depressing post - but hopefully by typing it, it might get some of this out of my system so I can move forward. I am hopeful....
I need to come to accept my situation. I think once I can accept it, then I can move beyond it and not dwell on it anymore. I will openly admit here that I think I have periodical bouts of depression. Not just overall sadness, but depression where I do not want to be around anyone or anything - I sleep a lot, cry sometimes (and I'm not a big crier), and even avoid taking calls from my dad (I would say family, but my dad is really the only person that ever calls me on a regular basis).
This could very well be PMS today - but I'm not sure. I feel very isolated from pretty much everyone - and it's the day after Thanksgiving. I do not associate much with my brothers - I just found out that my oldest brother is (once again) driving to NC to completely re-do my other brother's kitchen for him. I've offered to pay him to come up here to do work on my house - and the response is "you couldn't afford my mileage up there" so the answer is "no." Well, it's pretty much the same mileage/drive time between FL and NC as it is up here. I've asked them to come for Christmas this year - in part due to my dad's health, altho I don't tell them this b/c I don't want them to worry. The answer is "no" - the same excuses as always. My oldest brother and his wife will willingly travel to Cape Cod to see her family and spend holidays with them - but not our dad. My brother has his own business, my sister-in-law is a teacher - so it's not like they don't have time off from work to visit. My other brother's wife refuses to travel. She "isn't comfortable" driving such long distances. It's not that I enjoy seeing my brother's very often - we've never been particularly close - I'm pushing b/c I know it would make my dad happy. I don't get to spend the quality time with my dad at the holidays when they visit, but at the same time, it makes the holiday magical for him to have all of us together - they don't realize this at all.

The second part of my acceptance - beyond the loneliness and isolation I feel with my brothers, is the fact that I really have to accept that I am simply not going to get married again, much less have a boyfriend. I met someone recently, and I know in my heart we have so much in common it's not even funny, but there is no attraction of him to me. As such, it's pretty much a done deal. I date - and no man I know is really that attracted to me.

I think that's pretty much it for the moment. Not really sure how I feel right now, but maybe things will improve after I hit "publish post."

Bridezilla - OMG!

2009-09-06T18:08:00.002-05:00

Okay - so I was surfing for background noise to work to (I do this often and MUST have something on in the background while I'm doing work - it's weird....) and watched a re-run (even tho new to me) of Bridezillas on WE. OMG!!! These women are just HORRIBLE!! Further, I think WE is killing the rest of us women that are normal and would not become psycho-hose-beasts when planning a wedding.
I can't figure this out. I'm pretty normal (a few flaws that are not earth-shattering I'm sure.... okay -maybe more than a few - but who doesn't??) and I have absolutely horrible luck dating or getting/staying in a "serious" relationship. Then, you have women like this who are treating, presumably, the "love of their life" with absolute contempt, belittle them, force them to decide between them or their own mothers/family - and yet these women are getting married. And they are not all ugly or out of shape - one was pretty hot by today's standards (thin, nice facial features - she smokes and drinks, but otherwise takes good care of herself) - the others are just crazy. I absolutely don't get this.....

Men are completely exasperating....

2009-08-01T20:05:00.002-05:00

I don't understand guys - at all. And what's irritating is they say that WE are complex. Yeah - whatever....
I think I'm more irritated that I lost a bet - a ridiculous bet for a ridiculous amount of money, it was more for bragging rights - that this guy I met up with was NOT going to call. It's not that I didn't want him to NOT call - I do want to see him again. However, I could NOT read him all night. Plus - most guys have a "3 day rule" about calling/contacting - apparently his is 5. And he sent me a bloody EMAIL - he's GOT my number! ARGH! I COULD have been out tonight if I had gotten the email sooner - hell, I could have gone out Friday night.
So - waiting for a response now from him - VIA EMAIL (I'm too proud to call...) to see if he wants to get together Sunday or not.
I really think I'm not his "physical" type - and I'm almost 99% sure his friends told him to go out with me again. I made a good impression on them - and they seemed to like me. I really, really couldn't tell if he did or not. Signals were VERY mixed....
So - this sux. If you're a guy and reading this - quit with all the "rules" - be clear. I promise, as a woman, I will be as well.
AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

Realization - a big step

2009-05-17T06:56:00.001-05:00

I just realized something this morning - I've gotten better at "mingling."
I had a meeting/presentation to attend this past week. Normally, I'm very shy and a "wallflower" when I'm in situations with large groups - even in areas I'm comfortable in (like national/state conferences that I attend regularly). I normally find someone I'm comfortable around and stay near them the entire time. I don't know where this "fear" came about as I was once very outgoing in high school. Anyways, I realized this morning that at this meeting - I didn't stay near my friend that was with me - I branched out on my own and did what I wanted to do :) Now, it could very well be that I knew many of the "helpers" (not presenters) so I had a higher comfort level - but either way - it's a big step forward for me :)

Disquiet

2009-05-15T20:04:00.002-05:00

Jedi knows I'm upset. I hate that, as it just feeds back into me that I'm causing my dog unnecessary anxiety.
Apparently, I have a stalker. I won't go into details (although he's not smart enuf to even find this blog....) - but I've notified the police and filed an information report. I didn't want to do a full out report yet as it's been 6 months, BUT I got some disturbing news via email from his current fiancee (who, apparently is now his ex-fiancee).
The question comes to mind - "Why me?" I hate this. I think this is why I just don't date. There are aspects of it - like this - that are so not worth it.
So, I sit here, in my house, wondering if I will hear a knock on the door or the doorbell ring and awake to my dog barking and growling - which he always does when that happens. The officer offered to call him and tell him that if he comes here again, it's trespassing. However, he had a good point - let's not put that idea into his head right now.
So, I think it's NOT going to be a good night. I could be wrong. I hope I am. I mean that in terms of my being able to sleep. I can't even walk in the AM for an unease about him appearing in my neighborhood. The police have said they will increase patrols in the early AM (his eyes went a little wild when I told him what time I get up! LOL - the officer I mean), but I'm still uneasy.
Believe me - it doesn't help that there's a storm moving in. The dog senses the air pressure drop as well, so he's been nervous b/c of that, as well as me all night....sigh.....

Dreams

2009-03-07T20:54:00.002-05:00

I've been having a lot of odd dreams lately - unfortunately most of them revolved around my ex-husband. I haven't had any for a LONG time - very few since moving, in fact. However, a mutual friend down in Florida told me that he got another divorce (he married the woman that he was cheating with while we were married - no big shocker about the divorce really....).
I think the dreams are stemming from a couple of places. First, I'm not really sure if I do, or should, feel anything about him getting divorced again. When I first found out, I really felt vindicated - in that it wasn't my fault. I think a small part of me always felt like I should have done something MORE than what I was already doing to keep my marriage going. I now know that it's impossible - if one person does not want to be in the relationship, there is nothing that can be done by the other to salvage it - it does, indeed, take two to tango. On the flip side, divorce is never easy, and although I don't know the details of who broke up with whom or how or why, I still think it's a sad situation. Again, can't say I'm surprised by any of this, but still. It's ironic that he did the EXACT same thing with her as me: lived together before getting married, got the house first, then got married, then got divorced. He was with her longer than me (in terms of being married - I think around 4 years). However, I was with him much longer - almost 12 years.
So, I'm getting ready to go to bed, and hoping my dreams will be free and clear. I'm hoping by typing this, I may have purged whatever is lurking in my subconscious that likes to come back to me in my dreams.

Small town dating

2009-01-31T20:45:00.002-05:00

Okay, I think I've figured out why I don't always like living in a small town. Dating is EXTREMELY difficult. Everyone talks - and I mean EVERYONE. At least in Florida, there was some small measure of anonymity since O-town is a little bit larger than where I am currently living....sigh....My gf C from school - she dates a LOT, but mostly goes down to the Buckhead area or into downtown Atlanta. She likes the high life and does the expensive restaurant/wine bar thing quite often with her various beaus. The difference - she's not in town, so no one ever knows what she's doing or who she's with. I think she's got the right idea.

Yeah, it was a bust

2009-01-04T17:15:00.002-05:00

Okay, I think I'm just swearing off dating for a while. I'm not really comfortable/confident with myself at the moment anyways, so it seems reasonable that I should just go ahead and shelve the whole idea of dating for a while.
My vacation is also almost over - tonight is really my last night. I've done very little on my "to-do" list - sigh - but I've pretty much given up on really getting all my goals accomplished. It actually felt kind of nice to take some time off. I did get the yard cleaned up and plants trimmed back - we had a couple of nice days where I was able to get stuff done. I also start back with grad school tomorrow - ugh - not really looking forward to that.

Not my best...

2008-12-23T18:39:00.003-05:00

...entrance OR first impression...sigh..... I think last night was a bust. I went with a gf from work to a get together for a close friend of hers, who is my age and single (yes, it was somewhat of a set-up) and in the Army - he's home for a couple of weeks from his training.

Well, I HAD all the alcohol and various accoutrements in a large paper bag in the car. Keep in mind - it is freaking freezing outside, and I am wearing 2 in heels and sinking into the very soft, wet lawn. I went to pull the bag out of the car and yes, it completely ripped. So, the large bottle of pineapple rum actually did break. The mojito mixer and smaller bottle of key lime rum (which was in another, smaller bag) did not - one crisis averted. However, everything else (limes, packages of cheese and mint) are completely covered in rum. So, I pick up the broken glass and place in the demolished paper bag - grab the mixer - my gf grabs the rest of the stuff AND a case of Corona and we head to the house. So, I walk in to a strange house, have NO CLUE who any one is or WHERE anything is located and I freeze. Why? Because I'm worried about dripping rum on the wood flooring - see, I'm not a COMPLETELY in appropriate guest. I was trying to do the right thing!

So, another girl comes to help me. I still don't know where my gf went to, simply because I was paying absolutely no attention when I walked in as I caught sight of J. He's much cuter in person than his pics ....grin.... I should also pause here and mention that I have a serious weakness for military guys in general. Damn my old summer job boss in Florida! I think it's his fault - blog entry for another time. But there is something about a guy in uniform ...wow.... I don't even mind the buzz cut as he DOES have hair normally. Okay - back to the main issue at hand - disaster or did I actually - somehow - salvage the evening....

So, that was my not-so-grand entrance. I SSSSOOOOO pictured that going differently in my mind. Then, I decided it was time for a drink. That went much better ...grin....It did NOT go so good this AM when I was seriously sleep deprived and went to the gym for a spin class w/another gf.

I have no idea what this guy thinks of me. We talked some, but I also recognized that he had just arrived in town and only seen his family and then all of his friends at this get together to catch up with them - and he's just meeting me. He did shake hands when we left, and then pulled me in for a hug. He kept my hand and continued to squeeze it a couple of times while he said something along the lines of yes, he would see me again as he and A are best friends and hang alot. SO, major strike 1. However, I did have some fun with the double entendres throughout the evening - especially the breath-a-lyzer that D had at the house. I told A they needed to put a little sticker on the outside of it that says "Blow Me" - of course that was fun :) The last one I did (just to make sure I was able to drive home - I knew I was just tired, but better safe than sorry) - they said something to the effect of "you blew legally" my response: "that's because I don't charge" - yeah, it was a good night :)

Cookies

2008-12-14T17:35:00.003-05:00

My dad came over today - we made cookies :) I should rephrase that - I baked them, he helped "decorate" with the icing, sprinkles and M&M's. My brother is in Afghanistan - so he is sending them over to him. I'm really hoping my brother is hungry! It made about 4 and 1/2 dozen!

I will say that I absolutely hate that my brother is there. I know what he is doing is important, but it doesn't change the fact that he is away from his family for 6 months and missing every major event (Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays). He is no longer even in the Army - he does military support with a civilian company. My sister-in-law says it's good money. Even so - is it really worth it? It makes me wonder - how important is it really? I know he enjoys what he does, but is it worth risking your life? He's allowed to wear body armor, but because he is technically a civilian (even though he is on a military base) he is not allowed to carry a weapon to defend himself. I think that upsets me more than anything else.

At any rate, cookies are made. I'm sure the guys he works with will get a few - or more than a few. Even with my brother's sweet tooth, I REALLY don't think he can eat 54 cookies (and they are NOT small) by himself!

Hmm....what to blog.....

2008-11-17T20:43:00.002-05:00

I have the urge to type, but not really sure what to type. That, of course, makes absolutely no sense, but I'm used to that in life :) I know I'm killing time until my brother logs in on IM since he's in Afghanistan - ugh. I hate that he's over there - AND he's a civilian. It sux.
Things are going well - can't wait for the break coming up. Also can't wait until I can request a job transfer - apparently I'm going to be able to do that an ENTIRE year sooner than I anticipated - I am a happy camper!
My kids are doing videos this week - LOVING life as I will be facilitating, not direct teaching and with the majority of them - they just GO and need me for very little. It's a lovely feeling.

I'm getting sentimental - must be the time of year or the fact that I was dumb enough to NOT get my birth control refilled and I was off them a month - will NOT do that again - cramps were killer. But anyways....that was probably a TMI!....I've been watching "Love Actually" as my background noise whilst I'm working. One - I miss London - it's such a GREAT town. Wish I could hop a plane over there right this instant. Two - I love this movie. It's just fantastic. I can never decide what my favorite storyline is, and I STILL want to jump through the TV when she answers her "mobile" in the midst of making out with the hot Spaniard. The LAST thing I would do is answer a freaking phone! So, everytime I just HOPE she won't do it...and she does. I KNOW, it's just a movie - but I always hope! Three - It's just a good movie.

I'm going to bed. My dog is curled up on the sofa behind me - snoring - so I think that's my signal to go to bed :)

What a sad commentary for our education system...

2008-10-31T17:12:00.002-05:00

Okay, I GET that it's "Football season" - and I'm all for Saturday games and NFL Sunday and Monday and Thursday. I like football - I can follow pretty well and have even gotten to the point where I can tell what the "call" is going to be on a flag. And yes, I'm a girl.

However, it is such a sad, sad day when Clarke County School District closes school on a Friday due to the Florida v. Georgia game. MSNBC carried the article, and I think it's about the dumbest decision I've ever seen. Yes, I believe community is important in schools and to take that into consideration. Hell, our entire town shut down for the homecoming parade when I was in high school (only ONE high school in that county by the way) and the parade went right through downtown. Our parade was at 2:00 - so we missed the last period. We planned it on a Friday afternoon and the community liked that idea - since most of the people who lived there graduated from the school as well. But, I think it's a little much when teachers call in sick for a football game, so the district cancels school. What kind of message is that sending? That football is more important than education? The game is in JACKSONVILLE - it's not THAT far of a drive that you couldn't do it Friday afternoon.

The basic message kids see is: "Wow. Football IS more important than going to school - the teachers don't even want to show up THE DAY BEFORE THE GAME."

As a friend of mine has said before, and I'm sure she would say it again if she read this - we (and she meant Florida at the time, but you could extend that north to the state of Georgia after reading this incident) will always be labeled "the dumb South" as long as decisions like this are made that adversely affect education.

Agree? I do - just one more example of how education is so low on the totem pole when it comes to sports in the South. Hey, here's a question - how the hell do you think all those players got into college? At SOME point, they actually had to go to school. Most will NOT play in the NFL - so what's really more important? I would love to see blogs/commentaries on this story for other countries such as New Zealand, China, Japan, India and England - they are laughing their asses off at us right now - because, once again, we put Education on the backburner in favor of our high profile sports. And the US wonders why we are so far behind others countries. No reason to wonder at all.

An AMAZING week

2008-10-19T20:39:00.002-05:00

I just got back late last night from the NABT conference in Memphis. Wow. and then, Wow. On Thursday morning, we had a general session where one of the co-authors of the IPAC report on Climate Change (aka Global warming) spoke. Oh, and by the way, the IPAC committee shared the 2007 Nobel Prize with Al Gore for their work climate change/global warming. So, I got to hear a nobel laureate speak. Wow.
Then, it got better - as if that were possible. Friday night, the keynote speaker at the banquet was Jean-Michel Cousteau - son of Jacques Cousteau - the inventor of scuba and who could, quite honestly, possibly be called the "father of marine science" for as much as he did to bring the oceans to everyone in such an amazing way. Wow. again.
So, the nerd in me had an unforgettable week. It was just plain amazing. The conference was fantastic and really geared towards inquiry-based instruction and learning (very constructivist, which I've discovered I AM!), and some really great sessions and ideas that I'm bringing back. I, of course, got no work done whatsoever, and I know tomorrow will be hell, but I really don't care! It was fantastic.

Only one small drawback - taxi drivers in Memphis SUCK and try to rip you off. Just an FYI if you ever fly in there. Rent a car - it will probably be cheaper!

A taste of fall

2008-09-14T19:23:00.002-05:00

We got our first taste of fall today. It was very pleasant :) I got *most* of the fence pressure-washed - just the back section (both sides) to go. I've never been so dirty since I was a kid - it was WONDERFUL!!! Don't you just miss those days - you can just go out, play in the yard/mud/woods and get totally filthy and you just don't care? After the fence, I decided (since it was so beautiful out - breezy, sunny with a few puffy clouds) to stay outside and get the back area cleaned up. I mowed yesterday, but the back area has been infested with weeds and errant grass - so it was time to pull em out. I raked some of the leaves and junk - although all the trees really haven't finished dropping them yet, so I'll have to do it again soon, but that's okay.
Jedi liked being out with me. He almost got a bath - I just didn't have the strength left in me by the time I got done. I'll shoot for Tuesday - since I have to finish the pressure-washing then so I can get the fence sealed next weekend.
We are off for fall break - I LOVE this schedule here :) It's absolutely fabulous!

On a personal note - I need to find someone to kiss on. I miss kissing. It just hit me yesterday for some reason. I'm okay without much else, but to kiss someone who REALLY knows what they're doing is just divine. I know - guys don't really get into that as much as girls do. There's just something about it. Running the hands through the hair, your heart beating a little faster - there's just something intimate about it that just cannot be replaced or replicated ...sigh.... so not in the cards right now :(

Historic visit - yeah, right!

2008-09-03T19:57:00.004-05:00

I had an actual visit from an actual state senator - Senator Chip Rogers - District 21. He was canvassing the neighborhood (I've ALWAYS wanted to use that word - "canvassing") with flyers - up for re-election obviously.

Here's what pissed me off....He introduced himself and I responded "Yes, I know who you are. I met you at the town hall meeting we had back in February." Now, rather than saying "Thanks for coming out." or "I'm glad we've already met." or "Did you have any other questions about the meeting?" He replied, "I'm running for re-election. Here's some information (handing me his pamphlet) and my home number is on there if you have any questions."

I think it's safe to say that if you are THAT arrogant that you think you don't need to spend an extra 10 seconds with someone who says they have met you before and do not even acknowledge them, then you must think you are a shoe-in for re-election and don't need to spend time talking to your constituents. He obviously cares more about getting elected then finding out anything about the people he represents.

Well - there went my vote - to someone else. And hey, Chip, guess what? I AM A TEACHER. Based on the legislation you have sponsored in the Senate this past year designed to take money OUT of public education, you're not real popular with us right now. To top it off, I've already emailed the Ga Association of Educators, and talked with the PAGE rep at my school as well as about 10 other teachers - the word is spreading. You don't care about people - you just want to be re-elected and apparently feel as though you are a sure thing. Well, we'll see. I might only be one vote, but email works wonders for letting others know how you really treat people.

She should get a raise

2008-09-03T19:39:00.003-05:00

I subscribe to a list serve kind of thing for education stories, and a union in LA was trying to get an elementary school principal removed. I don't know the whole story, but I see what the principal states in the article - teachers using cell phones, 6 teachers calling in during a schoolwide testing day in May, etc. Here's my take (on the very limited information that I have - so it's a very small grain of salt...)
I, as a teacher, personally HATE it when I see teachers using cell phones DURING THEIR CLASS TIME. We tell students they are not to have them or use them while on campus, yet we flaunt it in front of them. When I was in the situation with my mom, and literally on-call 24/7 - I spoke with my assistant principal and asked for permission to have my cell phone on my person in case I had to take a call. I stepped OUTSIDE my classroom maybe 3 times in 3 months to take calls that I had to take (from my sister-in-law, doctor). Now, it stays in my purse on silent. We should be setting the example, not the exception.
Another pet peeve - teachers who LIE on the sign in sheet as to what time they get to school. That's stealing, plain and simple. You are stealing time - which is money. You are contracted to be there at a certain time and leave at a specified time - I see more than a few leaving early and I KNOW they didn't ask permission or sign out. This is stealing. I would have no problem going back to an electronic form of sign in during the morning - we have bar codes on our badges - why don't we use them? If you are consistently late, you should be docked for that time unless your assistant principal has been called, notified and approves it.
Not being there to administer a test on a state-wide testing day? You need to be in the hospital or have a legitimate family emergency. That puts an undue amount of stress on your co-workers to cover for you. I hate that. Substitutes cannot administer state tests.
Teachers bitch and moan that they are not treated professionally and they deserve better. Well, wake up to the real world - if you want to be treated professionally - ACT professionally. Don't abuse your time - you were hired to teach children - you should be in the room and your attention should be focused on them. Don't steal. Be respectful of your co-workers and, most importantly, your clients - these are your students.
Correct me if I'm wrong - but if you are in the real world and are consistently late to work and lie about it on your time card, use work time to place personal calls (rather than using your lunch hour), and miss important meetings or work sessions that are essential to the health and overall functioning of the company, my guess is that you would be looking for another job in a short time period.
This principal needs to be given a raise. She said she was visiting classrooms and observing what's going on. That is HER JOB. She should know what's going on in each room. The kids like seeing administrators in their rooms. I've ALWAYS maintained that they could come in at any time and observe. I'm doing what I'm supposed to do. Administrators should always question why a teacher or teachers are opposed to them walking into their classrooms unannounced - what are you hiding?
Be professional. Show that you are professional - a responsible adult. Then maybe, just maybe, teachers will be treated professionally. It's a case of a few "bad apples" ruining this for those of us who take our jobs seriously and got into teaching to help kids - not to get summers off.

Back on track?

2008-08-29T21:59:00.002-05:00

After an incredibly long and very rough week, complete with a total meltdown Wednesday night (which really shouldn't have happened since I went to the gym & worked out & that normally improves my mood tremendously), I think I might be back on track. Maybe.
I've made one of my "infamous" lists - and I'm grateful for the long weekend. Not just to get things done, but to get back on some reasonable schedule. I've been feeling overwhelmed, and I KNOW I've taken on too much (again), but I know I'll get through it, and I know I'm not alone. Prioritizing needs to happen - now. I started some of that tonight. I also realized that I need to be sure I schedule "me" time - whether that be reading, the gym, walking - whatever. Realistic goals with room for hiccups.
This was just a post to more or less remind myself that I need to continually review, renew and refresh myself & my time. This is something I know (both consciously & unconsciously) to do and how to do it, but the oxymoron of it is that I need to schedule TIME to do it - sounds silly - scheduling time to schedule my time. But, it's not really that silly.
On the flip side, for kicks (and just to check it out) I played around with Rosetta Stone tonight. Our school district pays for a subscription - and I've known it's been there for over a year now, so I just decided to check it out to see if I like it. I'm grateful that I took French in high school/college. Although I didn't use the French course (I want to learn Italian), I have a basic understanding of the semantics/grammar - the masculine/feminine forms that I learned in French apparently are present in all the "romance" languages. I went through about 7 or 8 lessons in the first unit. I get the listening, reading & writing pretty well - my biggest problem has been speaking the language. I really like the recording thing that it does - then it rates how well you did. It also has a special "just speaking" kind of lesson/unit area as well. So, after I go through the basics, I'll probably have to do that just to get the speaking down. There's no time frame here - I'm not going to Italy anytime soon, but this is also something "fun" that I want to be sure I schedule for that "me-time" that needs to happen. Even if I just spend 10 minutes a day on it. It took my mind off of everything while I was working on it - which helped a lot tonight :)

Now I Know

2008-08-25T16:41:00.003-05:00

I now know why I am a teacher and not something else. This day was unbelievably packed with things - early morning meeting (on a Monday :-P), more papers to grade with less time, students coming in for help before my meeting, lunch duty, meeting notes to email out, emails that needed an immediate response, and barely time to scarf down lunch. It was a pretty normal day, until lunch duty.
We rotate every three weeks and wander the cafeteria to make sure kids are supervised and putting trash in the bins, etc. I don't mind it too much - it's better than last year where I was outside and bored - at least I get to walk around. About 95% of my kids are in this lunch since it's ALL ninth graders in it - which is good so I can see them in a different setting. One of my boys from 4th period caught my eye and pointed to a boy sitting across from him with his head down. He then mouthed the words "He's crying".
I approached him and introduced myself, then kind of squatted down lower so I could see him better. I asked if he was feeling okay and what was going on. He was upset because he couldn't do his math homework because he didn't understand it and the teacher hadn't given him enough information/examples to work with. So, I sit down (knowing perfectly well if my assistant principal sees me, I'm going to get jumped - and I really don't care - this was infinitely more important) and see what he is working on - I have no clue how to do the work and that is immediately apparent to me. But, we sit and talk about it anyways. I ask my young boy if he can help since I am really at a loss and he agrees. The boy has calmed down at this point, so I go ahead and ask him his name and his teacher's name to see if maybe I can go talk to her (but I did NOT want him to know that - I can't remember the excuse I gave him for getting his teacher's name). We talk and my student begins working with him.
I found another teacher in the cafeteria who IS a math teacher and ask him to please help this young boy - and he does for a few minutes.
I found his math teacher on my way back to my room to eat my lunch and let her know what's going on. She said they were all having problems and the homework was going to now be due on a different day - but this kid has her the following period, so he doesn't know that yet.
This is why I'm a teacher - to help these kids that aren't even mine. Do you have any idea what it took for that boy to break down in tears in the middle of a cafeteria filled with ninth graders - who can be incredibly cruel at this age? My heart was in my throat as I was trying to not cry as I can totally empathize with what this young boy was going through - I was much the same way and to an extent, I still am today.
I'll be checking on him at lunch tomorrow - and the next day, and the next and the next - just to make sure he doesn't slip through the cracks and knows there's at least someone out there who cares.
These are the kids that completely give up - and cause us the most heartache when they leave us unexpectedly.
I won't let that happen to him.

Listening....

2008-08-24T19:45:00.003-05:00

I'm listening to the rain. It's been so long since we've had a good storm - damn drought! Thanks to TS Fay, we are getting a little bit at least. It's a pleasant sound - have you ever just thought about it? It's calming, soothing, melancholy and reflective in nature.
I've been doing a lot of reflecting this weekend. aka - I've dipped into the parts of my life that I normally keep very well hidden and locked away - even from myself.
Did I mention my mom passed away last year? I think I did somewhere. I'm still dealing with those issues as well - not sure why I was thinking about her tonight - it comes and goes. But that's not where my thoughts were this weekend.

I met up with an old "friend" Friday night. I put that in quotes b/c we really weren't friends much in high school - she was close with my boyfriend, who eventually became the ex-asshole named Lee. She didn't like me much in high school - and I didn't really like her. However, things change, we grow up and out of those phases, don't we? Anyways - she lives up in this area so we met for drinks/dinner. Our lives have a lot of parallels - she's divorced for the same reason (cheating spouse), he married his mistress, she has her master's and is doing her specialist, she's a teacher (although middle school and in a different field than I am), she bought her own house up here as well, and I could go on and on....but I'll stop.
Here's the deep thoughts that I hate when they surface....she remarried about 3 years ago. She met her husband about 8-9 months after she moved to this area and dated about 2 years before getting married (I didn't ask how long the divorce took to complete - there are some questions you just don't ask). I've seen pics of her and her hubby - nice guy, good job that pays really well - she sounds happy and content.
Then, there's me. And I start those deep thoughts - what's wrong with me? We've been divorced for the same number of years, were first married for about the same amount of time. This is going to sound catty, but I don't really give a shit - she's really not aged well. If I saw her on the street and didn't know her, I would have put her in her early to mid-40s - she's only 36. Her ass is twice the size of mine and she's much shorter and "plumper" than I am. I know that's the physical crap that girls generally don't give a rat's ass about when we are looking for guys, but I do know guys focus in on that aspect first, then the rest develops IF AND ONLY IF there is initial attraction. To any guy that might happen to read this - it's true so don't try to BS some comment about how different YOU are - you're not. All females know this.
So - what's wrong with me? Any guy I've dated (especially recently - and I AM 35) has not believed my age - last one put me in my late 20s BIG GRIN. I try to stay reasonably fit and take care of myself as best I can with the time I have - I'm at the gym at least twice a week and walk 2 miles up hills (my ass is kickin' right now! and believe me I'm not bragging - I've been told this several times) in the morning, and usually another mile at night. I can carry on a conversation that doesn't center around hair products, makeup or clothes. I don't smoke. I rarely drink unless I am out on a social occasion and usually just one (I'm such a cheap date....). I don't do drugs - nor have I ever done them (not even one cigarette). I'm reasonably intelligent and highly motivated.
Is there an invisible sign on my head that says "Stay Away"?? Do I smell? I do bathe regularly - every day and sometimes twice a day (on gym days - can't stand to go to bed smelly/sweaty). My only vice is caffeine in the form of regular coke (B - NO comments if you're reading this) or mountain dew.
So, I'm just about ready to give up. I know I won't have children - I reconciled myself with that particular aspect of my life several years ago.
So I think the connection between these thoughts and why I was thinking about my mom - I have a deep and unreasonable fear of ending up like her. Unmarried and alone. She did have kids - 3 of us - but I wasn't there when she passed, nor were my brothers - just my sister-in-law. I've beaten myself up about that enough times in the past year to give myself permanent internal bruising. There's no way I would have made it there - I've done the math for the times & drive times - it wasn't possible, and there was no way to predict when she would pass. There's no way anyone can predict that. So - there it is. Out in the open - my single worst fear of my life. This by no means implies that I will simply go out and marry the next guy I find. Hell, if I were deathly afraid of this, then one of two things would have happened - 1) I would have found some way to stay with my ex-asshole husband, or 2) I would have stayed with one of the guys that I've already dumped, even though I wasn't happy with them. So, I'm not desperate, but I feel as though I am approaching the edge of desperation and I may end up jumping off it - without a parachute. No - not a metaphor for suicide either. There's no way I could leave my dog. Or my cat. Or my dad and family in that way.
So I sit. Listening to the rain. Seriously considering just going outside and reveling in it. Letting it wash over me, and maybe wash away this completely irrational and insane fear that I have inside me that is slowly receding to the deepest part of me, hopefully not to resurface any time soon.

Change of plans

2007-10-29T20:38:00.000-05:00

I had a very good day today. I attended a workshop on Saturday (with a continuation in 2 weeks) and got a really great idea for a project in my classes -honors to start, then I'll take it from there. I spent most of the day today playing with the idea and figuring out possible pitfalls and how to get around them. I think it will work well. As usual, the people I work with are "less than helpful" when I ask about things. I'm not even asking FOR something, just questions pertaining to logistics. ....sigh..... and the battle at work continues. However, if it's good for my kids, I'm going to continue to go after it. At this point, it's obvious that I won't be making many/any friends here, so screw it. I've always marched to my own drummer, why should now be any different? I think I really had my 3 best years in Florida working with my mentor and 2nd mom. She was always so supportive and appreciative - it's hard not to have that here and to be treated as I am being and not feel discouraged. But, I can always shut my door to the rest of the world and get it done, and I think that's what keeps me going.
I think I am going to *attempt* to go back to school. I have my GRE at the end of the month (again - ugh). There is an actual program at the state university for a Ph.D. in my subject area - I've never seen that before. I think I'm going to try to do as much in the summers as I can, then only 1 class in the actual semester if I'm allowed to do that. Once I hit my dissertation, then I can double up, but I don't think I'll have to be on campus for that. I'm setting a 3 year to completion goal, but that depends on my course sequence and what/when they offer. Can't plan it all!
I think this will, by necessity, need to be short. I didn't sleep great last night, and I think I slept wrong - I was in a lot of pain today. However, when I talked to a friend, her husband had a fusion in his back about 15-20 years ago, and the recovery time on that was only a week or so. I'm hoping things have improved (at least surgical procedures) in that time period and the recovery will be the same amount of time or less. I'm pretty sure that's what they will probably tell me needs to be done - I will find out in 4 short days.

Life happens

2007-10-27T20:24:00.000-05:00

Life has been happening at a faster than normal rate, hence the llllllllooooooooonnnnnnnnnnggggggg break in blogging. Thanks to B for reminding me that I have an outlet that makes me feel better, even if the rest of the world doesn't care to read it.

My mom is dying. She is terminally ill with ALS. This is, by far, the worst disease I've ever seen. I'm not going to go into details. My mom and I have not had the best relationship, and it did not improve with the onset of this illness even tho she knew what it was and what would happen. When she could communicate with an assistive device, she constantly complained to me and had me jumping through hoops to do things for her. It's not that I mind doing these things, however, just once it would have been nice to have her type "Thank you" or "I love you". Yeah, that didn't happen. And now, she can't communicate at all - she has no voluntary muscle movement whatsoever. I spent most of the summer in NC helping out - my brother was in Afghanistan & my sister-in-law just couldn't do it all on her own. So, Jedi & I moved in for about 8 weeks. My mom was all smiles for my brother whenever he came back. When he called a few weeks ago to tell me that things were getting worse and I should come up, I did. She started wailing and crying the second I walked in - but she's all smiles for my brother everytime he is there. It hurts. Even now, she continues to try to manipulate me and can't even pretend to be happy to see me.
On to another topic, I just found out I have a herniated disk in my neck. I will find out next week if I need to have surgery or not, and the extent of the damage. The original ortho is sending me to a doctor in their practice that specializes in spinal injuries. Can't really worry too much about it - what's done is done and I'll do what needs to be done at this point in time.
Finally, for my 35th birthday - I'm going to go get my bellybutton pierced. This is, ironically, the same day I will find out about my neck. Should be an interesting night. As usual, my father has totally forgotten about my birthday. He called to say that my brother from NC will be driving through town either next weekend or the weekend after - but no mention of my birthday. I guess I should be used to this by now, but it still gets under my skin and bothers me a bit.
That's the sum total of my life the past 6 months. Oh - I started a new job. More on the hell that has been later. However, the situation has prompted me to apply for grad school (again! ....sigh....) to get my doctorate. I have no idea if I will get in - I have to retake my GREs b/c my scores are too old - ugh. Oh well, just another hoop that I have to jump thru in life. I really wish someone would quit lighting the damn hoops on fire tho - it makes it harder and harder to deal with them. However, I think I am getting better at jumping thru them - it just sometimes takes a little longer and I feel a little singed. But hey, life happens....

Trust

2006-10-28T19:03:00.000-05:00

I've talked with several gf's today, and all agree that I am probably over-reacting - as usual. I think I'm actually just afraid to let myself be happy, and I don't think I deserve to be treated well by someone. I'm not trying to excuse what happened, but I have decided to take a "wait and see" approach rather than flipping out about it. I discussed (in a roundabout way) the "incident" today without really stating it outright, and I'm choosing to believe what he said. As one friend advised, I don't want to be naive about this, but I don't want to be paranoid and flip out either. I should be smart, and be patient, and see if the situation resolves itself within the next week. If not, then I will approach it from a standpoint of my feelings and see what happens then.
So, bottom line - I'm paranoid and probably should not be allowed to date, but here I am, and I'm dating and I want this.

To trust or not to trust? That is the real question

2006-10-27T22:27:00.000-05:00

Things have been progressing well between D and I. Which makes me scared. And happy. But now, mostly scared.

Why is it that everytime something seems to "fall into place" for me, I find out something that fucks it up? Pardon the language - little tired and just about ready to have a complete breakdown.

How do you really know you can trust someone? How do you find out if they lied to you about something? If you do find out, what do you do about it? Do you confront it? Sit back and see if the situation resolves itself? Lie to yourself and tell yourself, "it wasn't that big of a deal, he's worth it"? How do you make the pain you feel in your heart go away when you discover the lie?

Do all men lie? I'm just curious. I've blogged about this before. I think men, in general, are incapable of telling the truth. Maybe they think they won't get caught? Or, maybe they are just really good at lying even more about it when they do get caught and we (women) are desperate to believe them. Or do they think lying isn't that big a deal?

I just drove (last weekend) 9 hours (18 round trip) to see D. He said everything went well - we talk everyday - several times a day. He says he can't wait to see me. He calls me, I'm not just calling him every time. He says he's in it "for the long haul". I've met his parents. He's coming up over Thanksgiving to meet mine. Then, tonight, I think he lied to me - about something pretty important. How do I deal with this? I've fallen for this guy. Very fast, and very hard. I want to be with him more than anything, and my heart actually hurts. What do I do?

Stupid people - ugh!

2006-10-12T09:30:00.000-05:00

Stupid people are really annoying. Maybe people just don't think for some reason, and really aren't stupid. Here are two similar examples:

Example 1: During the hurricanes in Florida - we listen to the radio once the TV and power go out. They broadcast the news (audio only of course) on the radio. The announcers will say "If you need assistance, please call the number that is scrolling on the screen." Hmmm - we can't see the frigging screen!!!

Example 2: I had a meeting today where we are using a program that allows both visual AND auditory capabilities. We have IM on this system. One person was IMing and saying they could not hear the microphone. So, what does the main person do to help? You would think use the IM if the person can't hear them. Nnnnnooooo - that would make sense. She gave the directions over the speaker. Okay, if I IM I can't hear you, then I still CAN'T hear you to fix the problem. DUH!!

Southern Hospitality

2006-10-11T18:41:00.000-05:00

I just got my first *true* taste (quite literally!) of southern hospitality last Saturday night. My neighbors invited me for dinner with their family. Little did I know that they meant ALL of her family! There must have been close to 30 people that showed up! Her grandfather cooked - and he is from New Orleans - WOW!!!! We had gumbo, and for dessert - bananas foster. The bananas wouldn't light - so they just kept dumping more rum in to speed up the process! It's a very good thing that I only live about 50 feet away - I was in no shape to drive any where after that!!

On a different note - I'm "dating" someone. I say that loosely - we haven't met. He lives 550 miles away. I must be crazy. He is coming up (I think) for my birthday weekend, and we've already got the plane for Thanksgiving - and yes, he will meet my dad. This is kind of a big decision for me. I've never let any guy that I've dated meet my dad - not even Jim. I guess in my heart I knew he wasn't going to be "the one", but really just didn't want to admit it because I loved him (note the past tense there). This one is different. I miss him and we haven't seen each other in 14 years. He dated one of my best friends in high school, which made him off limits back then. No such problem now! He still talks to her (they live in my hometown), but there's nothing there. What he doesn't know is that I'm actually coming down next week to visit early - he has no clue. I'm really hoping he has not found this blog, but I don't think he has or he would have given me shit about some of the stuff on here already. This is weird - we've already had all of the "important" conversations - we just haven't seen each other. I've begged, and I mean literally begged, my stepsisters (2 in particular) to behave themselves at Thanksgiving. We are also going to a Thrashers game Sat. night of Thanksgiving. I am going to an NHL game - WOOHOO!!!! I'm glad he's going too, but I'm REALLY excited to finally get to a hockey game - it's been wwwwaaaaayyyyyy too long!

Genetic disorder

2006-09-23T16:13:00.000-05:00

I am convinced that I have a genetic disorder. It is not a lethal disease (thank goodness!) unless lethality is defined by how much money my checking account loses over the course of the disorder. My disorder involves my inability to just allow a house to be a house. Oh no! It can be a better house if I just put a *little* time and money into it.

The inside of my house is about 2 short hours away from being complete. Well, almost (see how the disorder rapidly sneaks up on you???). The tile guy is here trying to finish, knowing that I am leaving on Monday for a conference. I've been tiling for 3 weeks. Well, not me personally, but the tile dudes. It wasn't his fault it took so long - he had surgery and it got infected, so he needed to take time off and really couldn't work. It happens. However, it always seems to happen to me. *sigh*

So, he has to do some clean up, reset the toilets (or *loos* as he would call them - he's British and I probably spelled that wrong anyways) - which are kind of important. Everything looks fantastic tho - I really can't complain about the quality of his work - his guys done good.

I'm itching to take a shower - I didn't have time before they got here this AM. I hate that.

I'm also lonely. Didn't want that in the title of the post. I probably did something idiotic last night, but it's too late to take it back now. And, no, I didn't call Jim the ex-asshole. Or Lee the ex-husband asshole. Maybe I'll blog it later.

I did do something *nice* for my ex-husband. I talked with several friends first before I did it though - I'm not completely stupid. I was going thru pictures when I started unpacking my office and found a few pictures of him from high school and college - not totally unsurprising, but there was no need for me to hang on to them. And, I didn't feel right throwing them out - some were of Christmas and graduation - and I was usually the one who took those pictures - his mom never did take pics at Christmas. I don't know why. So, I mailed them to him. I did not put my return address on it. Obviously, they will be stamped from a Post Office here in GA, but he would still have no idea where I am. No, not trying to reconnect or anything incredibly stupid like that, just trying to do the right thing. Also, it felt good to "purge" and not be a bitch about it. Of course, he wouldn't know I was being a bitch, but I would know and it would bug me and I'd feel guilty. So, to avoid those totally pointless feelings, I mailed them. I felt better the minute they were gone :)

I cannot wait until this is done. Again, the *inside* will be complete. The landscaping is a whole new monster all it's own that I will be starting in on as soon as I get back from the conference.

I also need to find the hiking trails - mental note here for me to do that.

I still haven't found a good nursery for plants.

I'm loving the weather up here. Pretty much all this week I had my windows open and the temps were in the 70s, no humidity and a breeze. It actually dipped into the upper 40s one night! Of course, I had my windows open all night for that - felt INCREDIBLE to have the house so cold in the AM - we might have gotten that cold in Dec. in Florida - and it's only Sept up here!!!! LOVING IT!!!

Stick a fork in me!

2006-08-05T21:48:00.000-05:00

Grad school is OFFICIALLY complete. I turned in my last assignments this week, and I should get my final grade on the 9th. No. more. school. for. me.

I'm still getting settled in my new house :) I did FINALLY get the carpet down, and *most* of my furniture has arrived. I'm still waiting on a few things, but I do finally have a couch and love seat (full sized couch - haven't had one of those in MANY years) to lay on/sit on to watch movies - yea me!

This week was not so great - it was an up and down week. I got sick on Tuesday AM, threw my back out on Wednesday, then broke my little toe on Friday evening. I still mowed the grass today though - it was looking pretty rough!

I also chopped my hair and got rid of the blonde - I'm almost my *natural* hair color. It's close enough for the moment. It's pretty dark, but once I wash it (have to wait until tomorrow night) the color should lessen in intensity for the most part.

This was the brief update on my life this week ;)

Crossroads

2006-07-23T19:27:00.000-05:00

I did a lot of thinking about things today. Which is to say, I procrastinated doing some things that needed to be done, but I still did a lot of thinking.

I have a job. It's really just a job. I'm not really happy, but it is flexible and it did get me closer to my family, which was one of my goals. I'm on the verge of having two Master's degrees, which I thought a lot about today. I'm scared that they may be of no use to me whatsoever - especially the second one. My friend in Maryland sent me a link today for job searches for Instructional Design (my second degree), but I'm not optimistic right now.

I did a lot of thinking about what I really want to do with my life. Sure, teaching is important. But, I never really thought about it when I was in college and how much I might want to do something different. I've enjoyed teaching for a number of years, but it has it's downside. I'm not unrealistic or naiive enough to think that another job would be perfect without problems - all jobs have problems. The difference is: are they problems that you can live with, or things that drive you nuts? Right now, some aspects of teaching drive me nuts.

So, back to what I want to do with my life. I have something I want to try, which I'm too scared to put down here. Why? Probably in case I fail. The good news is: I won't have to leave my current job to do it, and my current job will give me flexibility to do it. I will have to wait a few weeks until I can really pursue it - I have one more class to finish and it will be done in two weeks, and I also need my real computer (not the laptop - which belongs to my company) to start this little "project".

Surprisingly, this was something that I thought about doing a very long time ago, when I was maybe 10 or 11 years old - possibly even younger. Now that I think about it, I was younger. I didn't really think about teaching as a career until I was in 8th grade - so I would have been 13 when I thought about that. So, maybe what I wanted to do at a younger age is really what I was meant to do? I'm not sure. How do you know? What determines what you will do in life? Is it predetermined? Or do you just keep jumping from career to career and hope you land in one that you like? It's scary. I think my fear stems more from the possibility of failure. However, I know that I will experience many a rejection if I really try to do this - so, maybe being prepared with that in mind will actually help me somehow? If I know rejection may be imminent, then that old "if at first you don't succeed, try, try again" thing will be true for me. We'll see.....

The Transformation & Another reason to love Jedi

2006-07-21T14:53:00.000-05:00

My house that I bought is undergoing a slow, but steady transformation. I'm starting to wonder if I have some weird genetic disorder that doesn't allow me to be happy with a house. I did the same thing in Florida. The entire house (which was 500 square feet smaller and NOT a two-story house) was painted in 4 days except for the two bathrooms and master (and that's only because I wasn't sure of the colors I wanted), then we did chair rail on day 5, and hung pictures that night. Then, I did tile later and added to the patio and tiled that as well. Let's not even discuss any changes in the landscaping!

Now, my new house is almost completely painted inside - I only have 2 bathrooms left, some cutting in in the foyer, and I may paint the laundry room and my master closet - I haven't decided yet if it's worth it. Today is officially ONE month since I moved in. Not only have we been painting, but cleaning as we go, and, of course, my house would not be complete without chair rail somewhere - so it's in the living room this time and a small part of the kitchen. The glitch with this house - it's bigger AND the living room is a two-story ceiling. Good LORD was that nerve-wracking - I had to watch my dad (who is almost 70) climb up and down this monster ladder to get it all. Where's my atenolol when I need it?????? (those are my heart meds that I take for irregular heartbeat sometimes).

So, now that the inside is done - I just keep going! The entire outside of my house is being painted today. I was smart enough to take before pics this time. So, as soon as I can get my regular computer up and running so I can download all the pics I've done, I will post both interior and exterior before/afters.

I thought I had strong color tastes - I was NOTHING compared to the people that lived here! Summary of what they did:
Living room/master bed and bath and foyer: the "builder beige" special - which is flat (what were they thinking in the bathroom???) and I swear flat paint just sucks in light and makes it darker. Plus, it was a gray/beige - so the walls looked dirty.
Bedroom 1: GREEN - meadow GREEN and DARK - this was their daughter's room.
Bedroom 2: BLUE - BOY blue - with a large oak tree mural in the corner with two little bears AND wall paper border. Which, we thought there was only one - OH NO.... that would have been too easy. They wallpapered OVER the one they originally put up. Ugh.
Guest bath upstairs: GREEN - see note about bedroom 1 above. Plus a wallpaper border that I finished removing today so I can paint it tomorrow.
Half bath downstairs: BRIGHT yellow - which I know it's a small room - but it's NOT a soft yellow. Soft would have been fine - it's too small of a room for the bright of this color. Plus a wallpaper border AND another "textured" wallpaper that takes up the bottom half. It's just weird. I still have to pull that crap down and I need a scoring tool to do it.
Laundry: "builder beige" - need I say more?
Formal Dining room: Marine blue - okay, so I could have dealt with that (blue is my fav color), but it made the room feel very small - so we changed it - THREE COATS to cover it - ugh.
Kitchen: this was, by far, the worst room in terms of color. They first painted it RED - we found it in some places and it was blood red. The final color was the puke brownish-red - NOT joking. It literally looked like someone threw up on the walls (E would be proud - I used her fav phrase: "It looks like someone threw up in here" - usually used in the context of describing a very messy area).

So, my house is almost done. The flooring is next. Supposedly they are coming in on Monday to start ripping up the baths and kitchen and laundry to start the tile. Once the tile is in, I'm having all the carpet ripped out and putting down BERBER - which is my fav. It wears better and looks cleaner to me. Plus, with two animals, it doesn't hold stains as much as the contractor special carpet.

Now, the "why I love Jedi" part of this post. I have 3 guys and a girl outside painting. My house was "coccooned" with all the windows covered in plastic so they could spray the outside. I had to take Jedi out the front since I can't get to the backyard and he was on leash. They are SCARED to death of him!! So, I am completely comfortable being alone now (my dad was here earlier painting the baseboards in the living room). This is yet another reason why I love having a large black dog that has a fantastic bark :)

Oh, forgot to mention the outside house color. The ENTIRE house was white - siding and trim - with 6 green shutters and a green door. How boring can you get???? There's molding over the two garage doors that you couldn't even see because it was white on white. So, I did the entire exterior walls in a medium brown color - Porter Paints "taupe beige", the trim and downspouts will stay white. But (again, refer to that fact that blue is my fav color) a deep blue (Porter Paint "Independence Blue") for the door, shutters, the attic vent decoration, and the small metal above my bedroom windows and garage that kind of slopes down. So far, it looks FANTASTIC!! They did the door so I could see the blue with the brown - wow! It just pops! Plus, with the white trim on the windows and downspouts, etc - the contrast is going to really stand out! I think they may actually finish today :) My friend E has seen the house too - she's not even going to recognize the outside! It was so plain before. The tree and bushes in the front with the trim and new color really stand out nice now as well. My dad said it looks TONS better from the corner when he left today. No more plain Jane house for me!!

I must be crazy!!!

2006-06-28T20:21:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I made the BIG 450 mile move up the road to Georgia - this is my first official post from my new living room :) I really do like my new house - it is a MUCH better neighborhood than where I just left. No cars in the street, no renters, no college kids. It's ssssssssooooooooo quiet - I back up to a farm that has TONS of mature trees with bunnies, squirrels, horses and birds. They have found my feeder. Jedi is having a BLAST chasing the squirrels away from the feeder. It's quite fun so far.

I transferred my gym membership today and bit the bullet and hired a personal trainer. I need to get down in the pounds. Grad school has not been kind, and I've not been very kind to my body lately. I have started walking again in the AM in my new neighborhood - I'm loving the hills that I get to walk too - very fun and just something different. The neighborhood does have sidewalks on one side of the street and streetlights. A lot of neighborhoods up here don't have sidewalks, so I'm glad this one does.

It doesn't quite feel like home yet. My dad and I are painting this weekend, and I'm having new carpets installed (these are horrible), tile in the wet areas (can you believe they put down carpet in the master bath - hello! welcome mold!), and then I can get furniture. I didn't bring much with me - I got rid of the furniture my ex and I got from his mom - just didn't want it here. Plus, with the money I've made off the house sale, I won't have to kill myself or go into debt to redo this stuff and buy new furniture, which is a first.

I think I'm going to have a housewarming in a few weeks when everything is done. Call me crazy - my realtor suggested it and asked if he could come. It was kind of hard to say no. I must admit, my realtor is pretty hot, and I've got a thing for him. Haven't felt that way about a guy in a while. Oddly enough, he's really not my type - very slender (like a swimmer's or diver's build - that's R's kind of build that she likes), but he is incredible looking, and just plain polite and nice. He bent over backwards to help me with everything - which I know is his job, but I wasn't paying him (the commission from the seller's did) and my realtor in Florida, whom I WAS paying a flat fee and she didn't have to split with anyone, was in contact with me less than he was. He was always in contact and really took care of a lot of details that I just didn't think about. He called today to see if I needed anything and if he could help me with anything. Who does that? No realtor that I know of! And, he's hot (have I said that enough yet??)

So, summary of the first week in my house. Jedi is really loving my big ass yard - so am I, but, I haven't mowed it yet, so we'll so how it goes. Plus, I need to go buy a mower - dad said mine wouldn't work up here, so I sold it to my neighbor. We have LOTS to do this weekend, and I think I'm going to pick up everything on Friday night.

Evolution of Dance

2006-06-09T11:14:00.000-05:00

I had to post this - things have been busy, but I need to remember this link:

http://www.break.com/index/evolutiondance.html

Not that into you

2006-03-23T19:39:00.000-05:00

I finished reading a very interesting book whilst in England. I did make it to England - it was phenomenal and I will have to blog about it once I can get my 300+ pictures downloaded and remember everything we did!
But, back to the book. I strongly recommend that every female in her right mind needs to read it: "He's just not that into you". What an eyeopener.
The premise of this book is that a man would rather cut off his arm than tell a girl he's not into her. And, that various "signals" are sent out by guys that tells us women that he is not into us. Hmmm....makes you wonder why men continue to complain that they can't read our minds and we should just TELL them what we mean and not send signals. Yeah, okay, tell me another one guys....

So, this book basically is telling us females that we should NOT waste time on men who are not into us. And it serves as a basic guide on what guys do to send signals that tell us he is "just not into you". It also reminds us females that we are worthy individuals, and attempting to make a relationship "work" and work at a relationship is silly. We should not waste our time on someone who is not into us - save time and move on sista! Yes, that's what I got out of it. I also found a few signals that I have been exposed to in the past that if I had read this book sooner, I would have dumped these guys (including, not surprisingly, my ex-husband) and moved onto someone else and not wasted time. Now, I really don't mean that every relationship has been a total wash - I've learned some valuable things from each one. But, I'm a bit of a slow learner sometimes. The signals make it easy.

Here are a few choice "reminders" from the book that I will need to keep on hand for future reference b/c I have seen these signals before:

You deserve a fucking phone call. - Meaning: If he says he's going to call and doesn't - this does NOT mean I should pick up the phone and call him. Move on. If he says he's going to call soon and a week goes by before he does - I'll dump him. Keep your word. If you're interested, you should not be able to WAIT a week to pick up the phone to talk again.
You are good enough to be asked out. - Meaning: don't ask him. If he's into me, he'll ask. I will no longer waste time agonizing about should I or shouldn't I.
Don't be with someone who doesn't do what they say they are going to do. Meaning: I think that one is self-explanatory.
The "I don't want to be in a serious relationship right now" = "I don't want to be in a serious relationship with you". - Meaning: Again, kind of self-explanatory. This is a polite rejection by men.
When a man says he can't be monogamous, you should believe him. - Meaning: If a man demonstrates he cannot be monogamous (ex/ex-husband or Jim the asshole) and I CATCH him at it - dump and don't look back. In my mind right now I am honestly questioning what the HELL I was thinking when I took these two assholes back into my life time and time again. NO MORE FOR THIS CHICA!!
There's no excuse for cheating. - Meaning: See the previous bullet.
You can't talk your way out of a break-up. It is not up for discussion - it is a definitive action. Cut him off and let him miss you. - Meaning: I have been stupid enough in the past to pick up the phone and talk to these assholes who have broken up with me. Again, what was I thinking??!!?? Hmmm - I have caller ID now - makes life a little easier - no longer will I pick up the phone if an ex-asshole is calling me. ESPECIALLY if he broke up with me. He didn't want to be with me to begin with if he did the breaking up, why should I give him the time of day OR another opportunity to hurt me? He knows he screwed up and missed out on something good - no longer my problem. Time to find someone who knows he's got a good thing and won't screw it up.
Don't give him the chance to reject you again. - Meaning: See previous bullet.
You already have one asshole. You don't need another. - Meaning: Hmmm...kind of self-explantory.

So, that's my new list of guidelines for dating and the interpretation guide to signals that guys apparently send out to us to let us know they are not interested. So, no more wasting time. ...grin.... Man, I LOVED this book. Females - go buy it!!!!

England baby - yeah!

2006-02-09T17:36:00.000-05:00

Looks like I'm taking an impromptu and unplanned trip to the UK - VERY excited. Put in for my passport this AM - expedited shipping and fees SUCK!! But, that's the only way I'm going to get it in time.
R is over there working for two weeks each month, and scheduled her next visit for UCF spring break - where I already have vaca time planned. I was just going to go see my brother & sister-in-law, BUT this is too good to pass up. The room is paid for. I just have to buy a plane ticket and pay for food - GOOD deal. We even have the rental car that her company pays for.

Current itinerary/plans include:
First weekend in London at a hotel that she has a gift certificate thing for.
We will be staying in Bath - so we can drive to the cool places, for example: Stonehenge (this would be killer to see!!)
Her mom is going, and since France is nearby, we thought - what the hell- let's go to Paris and see the Louvre. Her mom is a big art person, and when the hell am I ever going to get to Paris?? We can go under the channel on the train, I think....

Tomorrow I will be off to the local bookstore to find a destinations type book of the UK that we can use to find all the major stuff that we want to do. I was hoping to go to Italy first, but hell, if I can do 8 days in the UK for $1200-1300, including my airfare, I figure that's a little too tempting to pass up.

I've got to wait one more week to see if R is really going back - and once she books her ticket and hotel, then I can book my plane ticket :)

Black Sheep

2006-02-04T13:26:00.000-05:00

That old expression "Black sheep of the family" - yeah, I think I know what that feels like. It's the last person to know anything and is generally treated like shit by at least one (or more) family members. Why do I understand the definition? Oh, apparently, I'm the "black sheep" in my family.

How exactly did this come about? Well, it started with my divorce. Then, the fact that I don't have kids. Now, my dad doesn't care one whit about any of that. He loves me and supports me no matter what I do. My mother is the exact opposite. I felt this keenly this week.

My uncle died on Thursday. As bad as this sounds, this was not a side of the family that I was close to - it's my mother's brother-in-law (her sister's husband). I get an EMAIL on Wednesday morning saying he is in renal failure. So, on Wednesday, I attempt to the be the "good daughter" and call my mother to see where things stand on Wednesday night, since he wasn't expected to live very long. I get the usual 45 minute synopsis of my mother's life, with her taking no interest in mine whatsoever - I mean, I don't even have any children to take about, much less a boyfriend or husband, why on EARTH would she ask me questions about my life? So, at the end of the conversation, I ask if she's heard from my brother (who IS married and who HAS kids). She says no, not even an email. I ask her to please let me know when he passes - I don't think I will be able to come down for services, but again, I'm attempting to be the "dutiful daughter".

I get a call on Thursday - from my dad. Here's the conversation:
Dad: So, I guess you heard that Howard died.
Me: Um, no, I didn't know that. (Note: I called my dad on Wed. to let him know the situation in case my mother, for some bizarre reason, decided to call him - you never know with her)
Dad: You didn't get an email or phone call?
Me: No. How did you find out?
Dad: Well, your mother called your brother and he just called me.
Me: Oh, well, I'm sorry to hear that he died, but I think he's better off.
Dad: I'm really sorry, I thought your mom would have called.

I could go on with the rest of it, but it gets pretty bad from there. I did, finally receive an email today from her. Here's what it said:
Subject line: Howard died
There's going to be a small service with friends and family at the house. I'll have my cell with me if you need me, ok? Love you, J. Mom

Why would I need her? When I even ask her to call me, she doesn't. Here was my reply:
I already knew. M (my brother) called Dad and Dad called me on Thursday. But thanks for the email. I don't think I'll be able to make it down on such short notice.

Notice that I attempted to be civilized by thanking her for her "timely" email. I can't really type what I'm actually thinking at the moment. I will say this, I can't wait to move. And if I can't go and take my job with me, I think I've just made up my mind that I will find another one no matter what just so I can get further away from this woman who claims to be my mother and supposedly cares about me. Oh, wait, I'm confusing myself with my perfect sister-in-law that HAS children. Yes, the sarcasm is certainly flowing out of me today.

Mini-vaca day

2006-01-21T17:04:00.000-05:00

I had an amazing day today. No cell phone, no computer, no phone. And, I didn't have to drive.

I went with a UCF group to Crystal River to snorkel with the manatees. I think I got some pretty good pictures of two that were sleeping. R and I also found two across the main channel and swam over. They were playing and scratching on the rocks and we were able to scratch them when they approached us. Then, they stirred up the sand and mud so much that we couldn't see them coming up from underneath us. It's a little disconcerting to know that there is a 1500+ pound animal under you somewhere and you can't see it and have no idea where it's going to surface.

It was relaxing, the weather was phenomenal, and the day was just perfect. I will try and post some pics once I get them developed if they turn out decent.

Resolutions

2006-01-18T12:31:00.000-05:00

Several of my friends have asked me what "Resolutions" I am making for the New Year. Well, I don't make resolutions. I set Goals. I think there's a difference. When you set a goal, you are planning for a specific achievement for the future and you plan out your steps (usually small) to get there. For instance, if I have a Goal to finish grad school, then I know each week what I need to do with my classes and time to accomplish one class at a time. If I resolve to finish grad school - what does that mean? Resolve just means you have willpower to do something. Willpower gets you no where in school in my book. Time management and organization and planning get you through. Any comments on this? Anyone disagree?

My goals are also kept somewhat private. Some I tell other people about, but others are for me and me alone. Isn't that how things should be?

Manipulation

2006-01-17T20:18:00.000-05:00

Have you ever felt as though you have been manipulated into something? Then, you feel like you're in too deep and can't get out of the situation?

These are not good feelings. I've been manipulated numerous times by my ex-husband - sometimes openly and sometimes not-so-openly. It's really not pleasant.

I'm feeling manipulated right now. The guy that my mother gave my number and email address to - that's where it's coming from. We've talked almost every day since he got my number from my mom. At first, it was just looking at his resume and discussing grad school. I also really enjoyed our conversations the first few days. I made some comments about his resume again recently that I had emailed back - that was almost 2 weeks ago. I ask him each time if he's going to send it back to me. Honestly, I think he has no intention of trying to change jobs to work where I work (since I work from home and it gives me flexibility for grad school, which he says he wants to go back to school). I think it was a sham to do I-don't-know-what.

He knows I'm planning on leaving, and that I'm not going to change my mind. He wants to come up and visit me (he lives in my home town about 1 and 1/2 hours away). That's fine - but I'm just feeling a little odd about the whole situation now.

Also, I feel sometimes as though I'm having a conversation with my mother. Normally, when you're getting to know someone OR you have known them, you take an interest in what the other person has done or is doing and you ask questions about them. That's not really happening in our conversations. I tend to respond with one syllable sounds - occasionally two syllables ex/"okay". He says he's got me all figured out, but he doesn't really know anything about me because he hasn't asked. I can tell you what medication he's taking, everything about his ex-wife and marriage and the kids, his brother's bathroom, his dad and family and his sister and his niece, his trips overseas and I could probably tell you some of the names of students in his classroom. I almost feel he is, at times, condescending. Not overtly - just that "I'm a guy and I know more than a woman" attitude. Let me think - I'm single, I'm independent, I'm putting myself through grad school, I've done my national certification (he's also a teacher), I own my own home and am making improvements on it (putting tile down this month ...grin...) - but apparently I'm still a helpless female. And oh, if he had bothered to ask me I would have told him that I now know how to put in a new light fixture by myself. I mentioned it, but he didn't ask for any details - the conversation went to his home improvements on his house that he did when he was married. It's not that I need to talk all the time, but I don't want to feel as though I could make a recording of a few choice words and just play them back into the phone.

I'm starting to give up all hope of finding a man who sees a woman as an equal and treats her with respect, not a condescending attitude. This is really frustrating. I may not have traveled to Europe extensively, but I've got my shit together. I'm not sure a lot of single 33 year old women can say that either. Maybe I'm wrong - we are, after all, fairly strong and capable of handling a lot more than we are ever given credit for.

The Matchmaker aka - my mother

2006-01-03T21:24:00.000-05:00

So, my mom calls last week and tells me that a guy I graduated with in high school is thinking about his Master's degree and asks if she can give him my phone number and email to help him out.

That really doesn't sound too bad - pretty innocent - unless you know my mom.

Then, the story begins from that oh-so-innocent statement:

Mom: D always asks about you everytime he's in my office (background: my mom works at the high school where D teaches in my home town).
Me: I thought you told me D was married?
Mom: Oh, they got divorced.... it didn't work out.
Me: Okay, I'm sorry to hear that.
Mom: Well, he told me he wanted to ask you out in high school but you were always with Lee (my ex-husband - yes, I dated him in high school, we were doomed from the start)
Me: Well, he was dating my best friend in high school. (In my mind: where the hell is this going?)
Mom: Well, he and some friends are going to Europe next summer and he thought you might like to go.
Me: I can't - no vacation time. Mom, I haven't spoken to D in like 14 years!
Mom: Well, he asks about you all the time. Do you think you can help him with his Master's program? He's thinking about moving to Orlando.
Me (with red flags going off in the brain): Well, it's an interesting town (attempting to be vague). What does he teach?
Mom: I'm not sure - I'll have him call and talk to you.
(Me in brain: of COURSE you know what he teaches, you work in the same flipping school!!)

Underlying messages in this conversation:

Mom would like more grandchildren.
Mom thinks if I find someone in Florida that I will not move to Georgia.
Mom thinks I cannot possibly be happy living by myself without a man.
Mom thinks D is "perfect" for me and can make me happy, since I am obviously so unhappy on my own.

She called again today - she wasn't able to reach him but will see him at work tomorrow and will give him my number and email address.

To be honest - I don't mind helping D if that's really what he's doing. I am assuming (man, I HATE that word) that being a man, there are no ulterior motives. Men, generally speaking, are not manipulating like woman are. Of course, my ex-husband is excluded in that statement - he is quite the manipulating bastard, as was Jim. (Note how I have no problem using full names for ex-assholes, but protect the innocent, or the presumed-to-be-innocents, in my posts ...evil grin....)

So, I'm guessing I will be talking to D at some point and, wow, pointing him to the UCF website for information. Which I also mentioned to my mom, but she said he really wanted to talk to someone who's in the Master's program at UCF. Yeah, okay mom......

Lying

2005-12-29T22:02:00.000-05:00

Do all men lie? Seriously. I'd like to know.

I won't post background for this one - but I really don't think single men are capable of telling the truth. I'm not even convinced a married man can tell the truth. No offense to any guys that happen to be reading this - but I have yet to be proven wrong on this I think.

The only "man" I know who can't lie is my dog - of course, he will lay down on my bed with me - but that's not the same as lying. My English teacher would be proud.

Phone

2005-12-20T19:05:00.000-05:00

Just once, I would like to be able to answer the phone like Bridget Jones:

"Bridget Jones, wanton sex goddess. Very bad man between her thighs"

Of course, I would use my name and hope that it was not my mother (or father) on the line. Of course, that's what caller ID is for.....

In case you haven't guessed - watching the movie and, by far, that is the BEST line of the whole damn thing.

Boredom

2005-12-19T19:49:00.000-05:00

I think I may have to stay in school forever. I'm bored. I have no homework and no reading to do. I just can't seem to focus.

I thought about going out to finish shopping for Christmas, but I really just couldn't stomach the crowds tonight.

I called my friend R to go to a movie - she's doing stuff with her mom.

That's actually a funny statement. We normally do quite a bit together - and she's been bitching and complaining about my wanting to leave for family and blah, blah, blah.....Yet, since her mom has moved here, we haven't done a thing together. I understand that up until this past weekend her mom didn't have a car, but still - she's welcome to go to a movie with us. What has really pissed me off is nights that I've asked her if she wants to go to a movie - she says she'll call back - then I find out later she went with her mom. Hmm.....

So, I find myself thinking about moving again today. I checked out some more houses/neighborhoods that my dad, stepmom and I can go look at while I am visiting in Georgia this week. I want to get an idea of the areas and make sure the subdivisions I am looking at are well-maintained - that way I can narrow down my search later. I'm really thinking about just dropping the second degree again and moving now. UGA has the same program up there, and I might be able to transfer my classes/credits. Although, I really need to sit on my house until the market picks back up again so I can get maximum buck-age out of this place. Can you tell I'm bored?? I wish it were Wednesday and I were gone. The only good thing is I have a massage appointment tomorrow and it's free - I got a gift certificate for my b-day from some girls in my group that I worked with this semester - so that is something to look forward to tomorrow.

I need to make one of my infamous lists of things I would like to get done over the holidays while I'm not in school. I also need to put some stuff on my jumpdrive to take with me to Georgia - I'm not really supposed to work, but I know that there will be times when I'll be bored up there with some time on my hands, and I do have stuff that I need to have done by the end of this month.

So, Ph.D. or not? School for the rest of my life?? Hmmm.... I need to think about that one. Ugh. I'm bored.

Today and the last four years

2005-12-12T23:06:00.000-05:00

On this day, four years ago, I was officially divorced. It was a morning appointment with the judge, and as soon as it was done, I left the courthouse, went and got my school ID for my adjunct job online, then went back to the courthouse to get the official paperwork for my name change.

Here's what I've accomplished since then:
I did my National Board teaching certification - it took 2 years, but I started it that January after my divorce.
I bought my house - which is decorated and painted the way I want it.
I bought real furniture for my master bedroom - I have not had real, matching furniture (even while married) since I left my parents house at 17 for college at UCF.
I finally began to feel (and still am) financially stable for the first time since I've been an adult. The house and buying a car a few months prior and the furniture helped quite a bit.
I have gone back to school for my Master's degree and started a second one.
I will graduate with one Master's degree tomorrow - December 13th - in 4 semesters = 17 months.
I will graduate with a second Master's degress in August of next year. 2 Master's degrees in 2 years - even I have a hard time believing it.
I fenced in my back yard for my dog.
I've had two semi-serious relationships and have learned quite a bit from both of them. More importantly, I've learned how I should NOT be treated by a man and the warning signs when these things happen. I feel like I am becoming more aware of what I need and desire and am not concerned anymore about what others think of me. I've become more mature.
I added on a patio to my house. Again, along with the fence, that whole financial independence thing - it rocks.
I've worked two summers in a row for Johns Hopkins University in Pennsylvania - not a bad thing to have on the resume.
I've attended a couple of national conferences - haven't presented at any recently, but I'll get back into it when I have more time.
I went on my first vacation in I don't even know how long - it felt good.
I'm planning my next vacation already. It's a toss up between: Italy, Costa Rica, Grand Cayman or Barbados. It will depend on the time of year and where I am this time next year - but I WILL go to one of the above.
I bought my first piece of "real" jewelry for myself - a sapphire and diamond ring. I LOVE it. Again - that financial independence thing is good :)

I guess what this all leads to is I've realized that I am where I need to be at this moment in time. Things seem to be falling into place and I'm happy with my decisions and what I've been able to accomplish. I should be ecstatic about graduation tomorrow - but it's kind of hard to be excited when I know I have to go back to school in January! ...sigh.... I know it's a big deal, but right now it just doesn't feel like it. At any rate - life is good, I'm happy, and things are starting to look up again for me.

What goes around....

2005-12-07T22:11:00.000-05:00

...comes around. Okay - B - don't freak or yell at me when you read this - but you're really going to get a kick out of it!!

Background on this one: I fell in love with someone - after my divorce. Suffice it to say he lied and cheated on me and I gave him wwwwwaaaayyyy too many opportunities to come back. The third time was it. He called me LAST January to "talk" and catch up - just out of the blue. Said "I'll give you a call next week sometime". Okay, so that was the longest week I've ever experienced. He called tonight - my house twice and my cell and left a messages on both (guess he doesn't realize I have caller ID and I can figure out how many times he's called....).

So what's coming around? I did leave him, even though I was in love with him and would have done anything for him. So, he tells me about this girl he met last April - he pretty much moved in with her and then, out of the blue at the end of September (as he was getting his house ready to sell - that's how serious he said it was getting) - she kicks him out and won't tell him why.

Can I just say how big of a grin I have on my face right now? Wow. And here's the going 'round coming 'round part: I could tell by the tone of his voice he's in love with her - still. And he is perplexed and hurt and confused - all the same things he put me through when I was dating him and practically living at his house. I'm not grinning because I'm happy he's hurt. I don't think hurting someone is a cause to be happy. I'm actually not sure why I'm grinning - maybe because I was right about him all along? (and I really, really love it when I'm right - B: ABSOLUTELY no comments on that one! ...wink....) Someone please explain why I'm happy about this?

The other thing - he can't answer me why he called me tonight OR why he didn't call me back "last week" last year - no reason at all. Why now? No reason given. Am I going to get sucked back in to this? Hmmmmm....lemme think - not just "no" but "HELL NO". I think I've gotten stronger about that than my divorce. Also, I don't love him anymore. Love = trust. He's not someone I can trust. I have no desire to see him. I called simply because I really was curious of why he called me after all this time. Also, a part of me (and this is my twisted, evil part that just has to prove herself - and I know, I really need to get over this) had to gloat about everything I've done in the past year - and I've done quite a bit. Without him or his support or his help. I can do things on my own. I've shown that - but a part of me just had to rub it in. And rub I did! ;) I couldn't help it - and thanks to my second-mom, I've learned how to be very "tactful" and nonchalant in how I do it - and very sarcastic (which is really second nature to me). So, it was an interesting night. Will he call again? Who knows. Do I really care? No, not really. I'm over it. I've learned how to be stronger after my divorce. I've learned how to distance myself from situations and emotions that might be detrimental to me. Besides, I'm pretty much gone soon anyways. Seven. More. Months. = ONE MORE DEGREE!! I'm going to stick it out.

So, B - I know you will have thoughts on this gf. Or, the big "W" for me ;) But, I must say, I really think I handled the conversation well.

It came around.

One. More. Day.

2005-12-06T19:30:00.000-05:00

So, I had my only two "real" final exams today. They started at 7 AM - I started (woke up) around 4:30 to get to campus early and have some quiet time to study without the distractions at the house. I'm hoping it paid off. I'm pretty sure I have an A in my molecular biotech class - I'm unsure about my bacteria class - ugh. His questions are just bizarre and way too specific.

So, tomorrow, our group is meeting for the last time to deal with the project for my last class. I will do some work on it tomorrow here, but we still have to do some clean up on it - ugh.

At this point I'm really questioning - is this second degree really worth it? I'm halfway through it right now - if I drop it and just leave now, will it matter? I guess I'm just really tired of school. I realized the other day (and I may have written this already) that I will have done TWO master's degrees in TWO years - that's one a year - what the hell was I thinking?

I know now that I will NOT be doing a Ph.D. - I just can't. These have almost killed me - or at least worn me out to the point that I'm just done. Ironically, I don't remember feeling like this after two years in my undergrad program. Oh, wait - but I wasn't working full-time AND taking 16 hours of graduate course work. Yes, that was SIXTEEN hours - 5 classes and my research report. Technically (and I'm still waiting for UCF to catch this) I needed permission to take anything over 12 hours (4 classes). Hmmm.....I'm thinking it's because I'm in two different programs that UCF never caught it. Or, they just don't care because they get paid regardless and tuition $$ is more important than sanity.

So, I will work on my part of our project tomorrow - after the gym and walking the dog and working. Then, I think I'm going to put up some Christmas decorations inside and maybe do lights outside this year. Oh, I STILL need to go tile shopping to look for tile for my back patio - argh!!!!

Oh, but on the flip side of things - I LOVE my new TV :-D It arrived on Sunday. Focusing on my studying for finals was VERY difficult with my new TV tempting me to watch it. It rocks. My last one lasted for about 12 years or so - I'm expecting that I won't need to buy another one for a while. I'm not one of those that needs to have a new, bigger, better TV every two years (that would be my ex-husband, yet another reason why I'm glad we are divorced). I'm happy with what I have :)

My evil plan is working......

2005-12-01T21:05:00.000-05:00

The background of how the idea for the evil plan came about:
My step-nephew does not like to read. For someone like me, who devours books, this is anathema!!! (I think I used that one right!). So, I came up with "The Plan" - aka my evil plan to get my step-nephew to read and hopefully begin enjoying it more.....

Chronicles of Narnia comes out soon, and I will be going to visit my dad in Georgia over the holidays. So, I bribed my step-nephew: if he read "The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe" BEFORE I got there AND he called or emailed me each week with what he thinks about what he's read, how he likes it, his favorite part of the chapter, etc. AND I keep up with him reading it (not really difficult, but he doesn't know that! hence the evil plan in action), then I will take him to see the movie and buy him as much junk food as he can eat in during the movie. His mom can go with us if he wants, or it can just be the two of us.

IT'S WORKING!!! He called me tonight and told me he's already done with Chapter 1 AND he is trying to visualize what he is reading while he's reading it AND he gave me an example.

Damn! but I am a good Aunt!! LOL!!!!!!!!! I love him, really.....

The kicker - he is also not doing well in science - again, NOT good to hear as a science teacher. So, next year if I am up there, as I hope to be, I WILL be volunteering at his school in his science teacher's classroom during his class time so I can see what is being taught and help him with it as much as I can. He's starting to not like science and it used to be his favorite. In all honesty - from what his mom has told me about his class this year - his teacher is really terrible. I'll elaborate later on that as I learn more when I go up to visit.

Evil me!!! I LOVE IT!!!!!

Ying and Yang day

2005-11-30T17:44:00.000-05:00

What a day I've had. This has to be the craziest balanced day I've had. Here's the sequential:

Wake up at 5:30 - allergies bugging me - I reset alarm to 6:30 to walk instead - got up and took my walk with Jedi.

Came back - dropped Jedi off - went to the grocery store.

Came home - started breakfast - fed Jedi - Jedi threw up (large chunks - yuck!) - cleaned it up -finished making my breakfast - used Nature's Miracle stuff on carpet to get rid of stains.

Realized I had 10 minutes to my conference call - still no shower.

During conference call - was walking out of my bedroom to the living room - ran into the couch - broke my middle toe (NOT kidding) - hit the mute option on conference call - had a brief bout of Turret's syndrome.

Conference call ran late - had two students call for quizzes - did those - hobbled into shower (FINALLY!) - 2 minute shower - hobbled back into living room for phone interviews.

First phone interview - talked to my Instructional Leader about incorporating the Adopt-an-Author into Marine Science - she gives go ahead to explore the idea - break for lunch.

During lunch - found the Adopt-An-Author site for Steve Alten - LOVE his books - are Marine Science based - I try to register and cannot for some reason - I email Steve Alten and explain we would like to try this with our course.

Second phone interview - call waiting/caller ID chimes in - IT'S STEVE ALTEN -WOW!!! This was TOO cool and I couldn't take the call - ARGH!!!!

I get an email from Steve Alten during second phone interview - I respond back to register through him. Ask about some ideas to hopefully have him work with our kids - very excited by this prospect.

10 minute break between phone interviews - back on phone - discuss book/reading idea with other Marine science teachers before candidate comes in - they ask for email - send email and do a student grade - do second phone interview.

Phone call comes in after interview - grade I just did is showing up N/A - WHAT!?!?! - IM my IL to fix it - it was my mistake ....sigh....

Fix grade - go in to peel potatoes for dinner - cut my finger on potato peeler - ouch.

Eat dinner - C calls - he's coming to get rest of his stuff - he leaves garage open and doesn't bother to tell me when he leaves. Sink is backed up in kitchen - I call my dad for help.

Drano is prescribed - then when that doesn't work - a plunger. I call R for localized help. Dad calls again - I use the plunger on the sink - it appears to work.

I re-start dishwasher - I'm outside talking to dad - I come back in - dishwasher is spewing out suds all over kitchen floor - I began laughing hysterically at my day.

Dad calms me down - advises I clean it up and try again. He will call back. I clean it up - same problem - suds on floor ....sigh..... I call R again for reinforcement - her mom knows how to fix this stuff.

I sit down to blog - I cannot BELIEVE the day I've had - good tempered with the bad - but my toe really, really, really hurts!!!

Woman with a drill - watch out!

2005-11-25T18:18:00.000-05:00

So, I had to charge my drill today :) I used it extensively to install some stuff.

Having a drill is very empowering. It gives you the feeling of control - as if you can do anything. If I had known using a drill was so much fun, I would have done it a long time ago!

So, what did I use it for?? I installed hardware on my cabinets in the kitchen - it looks really good - there is one set of doors where they are off by a hair from being even, but only I will ever know :) I did run into one small snag. The drawers in the kitchen are double thick. The screws are not quite long enough to go through and removing the piece from inside is also not an option. So, another trip to Home Depot (yes, it's rough ....sigh.....) to get longer screws of the same size so I can use the same drill bit and also, more importantly, so they will actually fit the handles. The handles come with screws, but just not quite long enough. My first drill bit that I am using for the pilot hole is not long enough to go all the way through, so I may look to see if they have a longer one of those too. The regular bit that I need if fine.

My brother, who is a carpenter, is the one who gave me the idea. I don't know why I didn't think of it - we had them on all of our cabinets growing up. He was standing in my kitchen one day counting silently. So, I asked my sister-in-law what he was doing. She said he was counting to see how many pulls I would need on my cabinets. So, I asked him how hard it was and if it was something I could do, and he explained it to me. It's not rocket science. My dad gave me a good suggestion though - practicing on an old piece of plywood. That's when I found out that my drill bit my brother told me to use was not big enough and the screw wouldn't go through. So, a trip to Home Depot today - yes, I was very upset (NOT!). I swear I need to buy stock in them - I'm there almost every weekend.

On another note (I guess this is home improvement weekend :), I went to the nursery this AM and got my winter flowers (violas and pansies). I prefer violas, but they only had yellow. So, I broke down and got the pansies. I'm still short by about 3 plants - so ....sigh.... another trip to the nursery tomorrow. I love working in my yard. Especially this time of year when it's cooler and you can go out for 4-5 hours and not be dead. I also remulched some areas, put a border around one of my hisbicus in the back, mulched it (I have 3 more back there that need to be done - but the back was not cooperating today), raked up old mulch so I could plant more next to my tree (it's a little bare and depressing), remulched my gardenias and azaleas and laid more rock down by the patio. Yesterday was almost as fun - trimmed all the hedges, pulled all the weeds in the back bed and in the front where my new pansies and violas (oh, and dianthus) are now residing, mowed and figured out what I needed to work with today to get more done. Have I mentioned that I love working in my yard? It's been so neglected these past few months. In part due to school, but mostly due to C's shit in the garage blocking all of my yard tools. That's why I took my time to rearrange the garage - so I could get to the A/C unit and to my tools so I could FINALLY work in the yard. Tomorrow I need to spray the entire yard for weeds and finish up the bed in the front with the shrubs and roses so the front really looks good. I may do some more on Sunday. I will also have to get those last 3 violas that I need to finish out the front, and I have a little more room where I can throw in some more dianthus to round it out and make it look fuller. This is the one thing I will miss about Florida - year-round gardening.

On a completely different note - my fav Christmas song is on the radio right now - Christmas Canon - I can't remember the artist. I LOVE this song. Also, the station - Magic 107.7 - plays holiday music 24/7 from Thanksgiving day until midnight on Christmas. Christmas music is my absolute favorite part of the holiday. I could care less about the presents, decorating, stringing up lights - just give me my family and Christmas music and I am ALL SET.

I should be working on a paper tonight. I'm debating. I may just go ahead and fill out my graduation announcements. Or, I could actually do some more studying for my final exams - which I probably will end up doing. That and the final paper so it's done!!!!

Top 10 Hurricane Stupidity

2005-11-25T12:30:00.000-05:00

So, the lady at the plant store mentioned hurricanes this morning and how next season is supposed to be worse, etc. So, I came up with a stupid top 10 list.

The Top 10 Things People FORGET to do BEFORE a Hurricane:
10. Buy paper plates, cups and plastiware - ummm...you're not going to have electricity OR water that is clean to run your dishwasher.
9. Laundry - see note about about electricity and water. Clothes get pretty nasty after being worn for two week with no way to do laundry. Let's not even discuss underwear.....
8. Radio - oh sure, we all get BATTERIES, but most people are too stupid to realize that they do not have an actual radio that will take batteries.
7. Vacuum - again, see note on electricity. I have to vacuum 3-4 times per week. A week without power and a dirty floor really sucks.
6. Pet food - yes, people are actually dumb enough to forget that their pets need food as well as them.
5. Cook meat in the fridge/freezer - this goes bad VERY quickly. Cook it, store it, then heat it back up on the grill.
4. Eat meltables - this includes ice cream.
3. Mow - it's going to be wet for several days, if you don't mow before the storm, you'll kill yourself doing it a week later.
2. Phone access - most people don't have a land line phone that has an actual cord attached to it - again, the lack of electricity means your portable phone will no longer function.
And the #1 think people forget to do BEFORE a hurricane hits.....
Charge their cell phone. It's a stupid, silly little thing. But, most likely, everything will be out, including land based phones. Having a cell phone for emergencies (and we are encouraged NOT to use them to keep the towers open for emergency personnel) is crucial - again, you may not have power for a while. Turning it OFF when you don't need it to conserve the battery is also a really, really good idea.

2 more days....

2005-11-23T16:10:00.000-05:00

Two more days until C leaves - I'm just about counting the hours at this point. On the flip side - he decided to move out on Friday, which means I had to cancel my plans to drive down to see my brother and sister-in-law for Thanksgiving. I probably could have gone down today and left tomorrow evening (I don't trust him to move stuff if I'm not here), HOWEVER - he is getting his kids tomorrow morning or tonight - and I really didn't want them using my bedroom again. Yes, I said "again" - this has happened once before and it thoroughly pissed me off. But, only two more days. I think I'm going to go to Home Depot tonight and either look for a lock re-keying kit or just buy new locks to install on the house. That will be done the INSTANT he is gone on Friday. The garage remotes will also be re-programmed as will the outside keypad. The security system code will also be changed and so will the password with my security company - talk about covering all the based - whew!! And finally, as soon as all that is done on Friday - on Saturday morning I will FINALLY get to steamvac my carpet - I can't wait!!! I'm scrubbing my house down from top to bottom this weekend - I just can't stand it. Do all men live like complete slobs??? I jumped the gun and cleaned out the fridge today - I just couldn't take it anymore. It was disgusting with a capital D.

I'm also ssssssoooooooo over grad school. I think I've mentioned this before. The good news - only two more actual class meetings for my bacterial class, and just one more for my molecular biotech class - and that one is just a review for the final exam - he cancelled the Dec. 1 class :) I have only one more paper to type up, which I think I'm just going to knock out tonight and get it over with. We are finishing up our final project on Sat. for my ISD class (ugh) and my current trends class with the professor I HATED is done - I already submitted my final paper in there and all of my other assignments are done. I really wish he would get off his butt and grade everything so I would know what I had in there - ugh.

So, for those of you that read this and haven't heard from me in a while, school and C are the two reasons why. Altho, ever since I told him to leave, I've been in a pretty chipper mood (did I actually use the word "chipper" - I'm tired - please forgive me....). My dad has been happier that I'm in a better mood as well. I can't wait to see him in Dec - he and my stepmom are coming for graduation. Oh yeah, I need to get my announcements done. That will at least be an enjoyable task!!

November 30th

2005-11-14T18:40:00.000-05:00

That's the date I have given C to have his stuff moved out. He obviously wasn't happy about what I had to say last night - he tried to turn it around and give me a guilt trip. News flash - my mom has been attempting those for years and you know, when you no longer care about someone or think of them as a friend, the guilt trips don't work. Why the 30th? He said - I'll be out as soon as possible. My reply I need a date. His response - as soon as possible. Mine was then: November 30th. He said "You can't do that. The lease says 30 days." My response: No, it doesn't. There is nothing in the lease that says 30 days is required. However, altho I didn't mention this to him- there is a statement in the lease that says if the terms of the lease are not met, then he can be removed immediately from the premises. Guess what - he hasn't paid the power or water bill this month and his rent must be paid in advance according to our agreement. So, if no money arrives by the 30th and he makes no move to get out, locks will be changed.

Hell - he only gave me FOUR days notice before he moved in a month early - WTF?? 2 and a half weeks is MORE than enough time to find a place in the area that I live in. There are tons of condos/townhomes that lease out for $500 a month for a 2/2 - I know b/c my friends that moved to GA lived in a place like that for 2 years. And it was nice - they painted it and fixed it up and it worked. They saved a buttload of money and were able to move to GA and buy a house up there.

If I don't give him a definite date, it will turn into the storage thing - I don't have time to look, or I can't find anything and then he will just keep living here. Um, sorry - you've got a date now. I'm probably going to hell for this, but I've been in hell for the last 3 months and I just cannot take it anymore. My stomach has been in knots for over 2 weeks and my friends have said that I'm just not the same person I was before he moved in.

Unfortunately, this will probably change my Thanksgiving plans - I've already told my sister-in-law and she's going to talk to my brother about it. I'm not comfortable leaving the house until he moves out. I'm hoping he'll get off his ass and move this weekend. I may just drive around and get some phone #s and call people tomorrow and get rates for him - just like I did with the storage unit.

Everything must go!

2005-11-12T20:29:00.000-05:00

Do you ever see those sale signs up in the store? And then they close and go into bankruptcy and then reopen under another name? Yeah, those guys suck....

So, I would like to get one of those and hang it on C's door. I've pretty much been convinced by numerous friends that he needs to go and he needs to go now. Or at least by the end of the month. I really can't do this anymore. My stomach was in knots all day today so that I haven't even eaten anything other than breakfast - why? B/C I never know what kind of shape my house will be in when I return to it on the weekends that he has the kids AND I left this AM and C wasn't here - which meant unsupervised kids in my home - I always have this nightmare that they will torch it while playing with matches (which I know one of his kids actually has a thing for fire and C caught him playing with his cigar flame thing and he burned his sister's toy dog about 6 months ago - can you see why leaving them alone in my house makes me nervous - which I've asked him repeatedly NOT to allow that to happen). So, yeah, I'm done. I really hate to do this, but I'm just under too much stress at the moment. I may have to leave my own house in order to get my research report done tomorrow - which sucks. But if they are here, they CONSTANTLY interupt me with questions and going in/out of my office while I am working (I'm typing this from the bedroom - AGAIN - on the laptop). So, the wine guy from Phoenix, if you're reading this - I will in all probability have a guest room available when you visit O-town - I will still have 2 animals - but I'm losing 6, so it will be easier :)

On the flip side, I almost killed my dog today. I wore him OUT. I took him swimming :) Unfortunately, his shoulder is acting up again. And I am all out of Rimadyl - the drug of choice for injured puppy dogs. So, I gave him TWO shoulder massages on his left side - yeah, vacuuming was a good idea today - NOT!! - and 1/2 an aspirin. Last time I gave him a full one and he threw it up immediately. This one is staying down (so far). I love my dog. The weird thing was is he wasn't limping when we left the park and he jumped up into the truck fine - he jumped out at home fine as well. So, I know it's not that serious and I did the manipulation like the vet showed me and he didn't wimper and he has full range of movement. I keep thinking about the day and there's really nothing he did that would have caused this - we mostly stayed in the water. I threw the frisbee a few times on the grass to take a break, but I don't remember him doing any quick turns - but I could be wrong. At any rate, I will be getting Rimadyl from the vet on Monday - I pretty much have a standing prescription now. I won't be able to walk tomorrow- which sux - but I can't take him - it will just aggravate the injury.

Speaking of walking - have I mentioned how much I love the trail? This morning was amazing. Not only did I see my red-tailed hawk in the tree :) I actually saw a FULL SIZE DEER- a doe. It was so cool. Jedi, of course, flipped out - which freaked it out even more (poor thing!). It was late and it was trying to find the hole in the chain link fence that some idiot at the county office decided would be good to put up - not realizing that there are actual animals that live in those woods that need to move around! A**hole. So, this poor deer was frantically running back and forth along the fence pushing it's head at it periodically trying to find the loose spot, and me with my barking dog making it even more frantic. The really cool thing? - it made absolutely no sound while it did this. It did make it through - we didn't see it on the walk back, so I'm assuming - but it was just so neat. I've never really been that close to a deer, so I was amazed and it was HUGE - much larger than I realized.

I haven't really mentioned school too much lately - but I'm getting burned out. For example - I should be working on a project right now and what am I doing - blogging :) Blogging is infinitely more interesting than creating a template for a storyboard (actually just redesigning one). I did survive my two presentations and two of my papers. Ugh. Tomorrow is designated as: "I will finish the rough draft of my research report and I will not leave the house until I do" day. ...sigh.... I really, really do not think there is any way on God's green earth that I can do a Ph. D. The horror stories that J & D tell me (two people in my group) are just terrible. I would go insane. There's really no point to me getting it either. So, I will be happy with two Master's degrees and my dog :) Who is snoring as I type - it's so cute. He also still has nursing dreams - which are even cuter! He is a Lab - food is in the top 3 list of priorities. The others would be tummy rubs and going outside to play or walk. Oh - I also let him chase another cat out of the yard this AM before we left - what fun!

Okay - you must be thinking - evil person - cat hater! Au contraire - I have a very large, fluffy fat cat named Jasmine who gets along just fine with Jedi and he with her. However, I have no sympathy for cats who are allowed to run loose and will probably end up dead. I think I have blogged about this before, so I will stop my ranting now - altho a good rant would also help me procrastinate from working on my project.

So, this project is my last one - thank GOD!!!! I am in hell next semester tho - 2 classes with my advisor who is tough as nails, my internship and then one class that should be pretty easy - it's all project based and there are no due dates ...grin... But the other two are guaranteed to kick my a** - the Saturdays that I spend working are usually for his class and his class only. Usually between 3-6 hours on Sat., and then almost always another night (usually Wed.) during the week. It's crazy.

I don't really think anything else interesting happened today. We had a very interesting conversation about waxing - but I won't share that here. I did run a few guys out of the ISD lab tho - wimps! I wish R would have been there - she would have been able to explain what I was not and it would have been fun to see J and H blush! ;)

So, it's early, but I'm off to bed. I haven't been sleeping well either. My friend from Colorado is visiting and she's sleeping on my side of the bed, and I really don't sleep well on the other for some reason - and I have absolutely no explanation for that at all. Altho I just drank a can of Mt. Dew - we'll see how well I sleep - but I honestly don't think caffeine even affects me anymore - I think I've had enuf of it this semester that I am officially immune!

Random thoughts for my neglected blog

2005-11-07T22:27:00.000-05:00

I've had a helluva month (I've always wanted to type that word ;). October could just be chalked up to the busiest month I've had in my entire life that I would like to NEVER go through again.

I survived my first round of comprehensive exams for my first degree. My interim prof (since mine was in England) was like "Well, if you're taking these at home, then you should answer all 6 questions, not just 4" - so, he got 20 pages of types, single-spaced responses - he wasn't happy. Well, next time give me a freaking page limit!!! I have (unfortunately) another set to go through in March for my second degree.....sigh.....

My dad and stepmom are coming for graduation AND will help me with house stuff while they are here - :-D!!!! We are going to tile my back porch, put up curtains and change out some of the lights. I should (hopefully) have all the cabinet hardware up by the time he gets here. I'm excited - my dad doesn't visit often due to the driving distance and my stepmom is allergice to my pets. It will be fun to have them here for a few days and do some running around (since I am DONE as of December 6th with classes for ONE FULL MONTH!!!!!!!!!!! can you tell I'm excited??)

I joined a singles activity group - not sure if I previously blogged that or not. It's fun to get out and meet people AND they post events a month in advance. For the "I live for my planner" gal that I am, this is a perfect social group for me :) R joined as well - it's been good so far. I'm going bowling tomorrow with my friend L who is in town from Colorado, taking Jedi swimming with the group on Saturday, and going to a Christmas Tree festival Sunday - no, I have no idea what that means, but I'm going to find out.....grin.....

So, how do you kick someone out of your house? Any ideas from anyone would be appreciated here. C needs to go. I'm sick of it. Case in point - I put his dirty dishes on his bed today - all day - b/c I'm tired of him leaving them in the frigging sink. It takes all of 30 seconds to put the damn things in the dishwater, which is less than a foot away from the sink. What probably, truly prompted this, is the complete and total continual lack of respect that he shows. Exhibit A: I went for my walk this AM with Jedi (nothing unusual). We left around 6 AM - so it's still a little dark out. Got back (when it was light)....C went out to smoke cigars last night. I don't really care as long as he does it outside and far enough away from the house that the smell doesn't come in (I am VERY allergic to cigarette and cigar smoke - I can't even put my contacts in the next day b/c my eyes are so red, bloodshot and puffy). Rather than take an ashtray with him - he throws his butts (with the stupid little plastic things on them) in the driveway - directly where I can run over them with my car. Are you stupid or something? Oh, wait, nope - just completely inconsiderate and rude. I'm over it - actually I have been for a while. So, how do I kick him out? Suggestions?? I figure I would give him until Feb. 1 to find a place - why so long? I am going out of town at the end of Nov. and the end of Dec. - no offense, but I don't trust him that much anymore to not take something of mine when he moves. I'll be here at the end of Jan. to make sure that doesn't happen. Just a small amount of paranoria can actually be a good thing.

I had a funky dream last night. I was with a guy, but I can't remember his face, but he was the best kisser (even topping Victor from high school - that boy KNEW how to kiss - WOW!! and I never found anyone to top him). Everything felt really good - just the kissing and I was thinking - THIS is the guy. Hmmm....could it be I'm starting to miss men? Honestly, I've just been too busy to mess with that aspect of my life. Besides the fact that I am almost 100% sure I'm moving in a short 8 months :), so what's the point?

I cannot wait until Dec. 6th - I'm so over school right now. I'm wondering what the hell I was thinking. In the past month, and also within this month I've had: 2 major projects (fortunately in groups - but requiring about 5 hours a week outside of class with the group, and numerous hours without to finish), SIX PAPERS - with references, including my comps exam that took me 8 hours over 2 days- my brain actually hurt!, 2 presentations - both of them are this week - YIKES!, a midterm, 2 regular tests in 2 different classes, and finals are rapidly approaching. After tomorrow, I can actually start scheduling time during the day to study for finals so I am not cramming. I might actually have a chance of getting an A in my molecular biotechnology class right now - as long as I didn't blow the last test, and I need to go ask my prof a question about these 8 mystery points that I don't understand. That's the only class I'm really worried about. If I actually make an A in there, I will have a 4.0 for my first master's - WOOHOO!!! I've NEVER maintained a 4.0 average in school before. I realize that in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter. And as my friend B points out- a 4.0 is really insignificant when you're dead (I really do love her for saying that and putting things in perspective for me), but it also means I will graduate with top honors - which I missed in my undergrad program by one B that my prof made a mistake and would not adjust my grade, even when I showed him my test. So, a 4.0 would be FABULOUS!!!! My dad would be really proud too - which is part of the reason I want to do it - I really want him to be proud of me :)

So, I probably should have broken this up into several different posts, but I had just a few minutes to try and wear myself out before bed tonight (little anxious about my presentation tomorrow - ugh). Now, all I have to do is move my 85 pound dog to HIS side of the bed and I'm all set! lol

FINALLY!!!

2005-10-17T19:55:00.000-05:00

I can FINALLY shout from the rooftops that I got the new position at my work that I interviewed for two weeks ago. Now, for anyone that knows me - they will know that this was quite a feat:
I was offered the position the DAY AFTER I interviewed - I was told 7-10 days during the original interview until they made a decision. Right after I am jumping for joy (as much as I can in my car! lol I was driving when I got the call), I am told that I cannot tell ANYONE until a formal announcement is made ...sigh... instant damper on excitement. My dad has been asking everytime he calls about it - ARGH!! Then, we had our annual staff retreat and several people asked me point blank about it and I STILL couldn't say anything - the retreat occured the DAY AFTER I got the position. So, I kept completely quiet about this for TWO. WHOLE. WEEKS. This is a MIRACLE for me (sorry for all the shouting - I'm just so happy I can finally tell the world!!). I don't really want to say what the job is - but it does tie in to my second master's degree = more experience = automatic internship for spring = one more thing on the resume :)

On a totally different note - I had an incredible walk with Jedi tonight. There is a small retention pond that the trail is next too, and all the birds (mostly grackles and sparrows) were all coming in to roost for the night on the cattails in the twilight. We were walking into them as they were coming in. Some dove right at us and maybe missed me by 5-8 feet or so. It was amazing. To have this mass of birds flying around you and over you swooping in past you was just an incredible site and feeling. I almost wish I would have had a camera, but I also think this is one of those rare moments in life where you really had to BE there to really understand how it felt - it was wonderful!

No particular title today

2005-10-14T17:30:00.000-05:00

I lost my energy that I had from the last post. It's the middle of October and I have no idea where the last two weeks of my life went! I have a shitload of schoolwork to do, work-work to do, and I think I'm going out of my mind.

I talked to a guy that I "met" online this week on the phone. We talked for quite sometime. I felt pretty comfortable talking to him without any of those ackward silences that you sometimes get when you are first talking with someone. He said he would like to talk again this week and asked if he could call. I hesitated - and he took it to mean "no" - it wasn't that, it was (and I explained) that my schedule would be pretty rough the next couple of weeks with school and work. I haven't called him yet.

Here's the thing - I don't know why I am doing this. Yes, I want to get out and meet people - I've even joined a singles events group with R that's not a dating thing - just events for singles that are put together that we meet up with. I like it - it's fun - it's different - it gets me out of the house and gives me some motivation to finish my work so I can go play. So, why am I pursuing online "dating" again - I don't know. Realistically, if I can work from Georgia at my same job (which I think I can) - I'm leaving in 9 months. NINE MONTHS. I don't want to be here anymore - I'm tired, I'm cranky, I have no family here and I'm sick of Florida. If you are reading this from out of state - don't ever live here. It's snowing in Colorado and it's still freaking 90 down here!! WITH 90-100% humidity - it's absolutely ridiculous. We won't get cooler weather until almost the end of December - it's nuts.

So, what do I do here? I'm not looking for a serious relationship. I'm not even looking for a friend with benefits. And I'm really not willing to get involved with someone when I have my heart and mind set on moving out of here in a year. I probably need to tell him this and let him decide if he wants to meet or hang out or whatever. Actually - I WILL tell him this - I hate being indirect with someone - I don't think that's fair to anyone.

On a different note, I ordered my graduation announcements today and got my tassel. I'm pretty sure I already have the hood - and I have my cap/gown from my undergrad degree that I think I'm going to use - from a distance, no one will know and I just can't see spending $55.00 on a new one that I'm going to wear twice - and R will also get use of it as well since we are about the same height - her mom can hem it for her. I'm really tired too - from school. I could go to bed right now and just SLEEP (it's 6:30 PM here - that's pretty sad).

I am procrastinating right now - it's time for me to go and get some things done. I would type a list, but then anyone who reads this would think I was absolutely insane, so it's best that I don't :)

Re-energized

2005-10-02T17:49:00.000-05:00

Okay, I'm getting back in the swing of things. I will know what this means when I read it again. I think the "funk fog" is finally starting to lift. I have tons to do, but I feel better about myself for some reason today. I've not accomplished as much as I wanted this weekend, but I'm okay with it. I shouldn't be, but it will all get done.

Confidence - or lack thereof

2005-10-02T00:38:00.000-05:00

I am hoping that by typing this, it may help me re-think my life and what I am doing later. Or maybe it will just feel good to get this off my chest since it's been bothering me all week.

I have very little confidence in my abilities. It causes me no end of distress to even admit this to myself.

I didn't used to be like this. In high school, I was totally confident in myself and knew what I was doing and what I wanted to do. Yes, life was simpler then, but I made it challenging. I love challenges - I thrive on doing things that are difficult and require thought or work - especially school - I've always been good at that.

So, why has that changed? High school was a short 15 years ago (my GOD I'm getting old!). I think I've narrowed it down this week to two possiblities:
1) My dad and/or
2) My ex-husband

I love my dad. I really do, and this is not to say he did a bad job raising me or anything else. But, he did push me and always taught me that 100% isnt' good enough- you give it 110%. You do it right or don't do it at all. These were the values and principles he instilled in me. I will NOT bore anyone with my C in AP Calculus story and how I was grounded as a senior. But, C's (even on exams) were not acceptable in my house. B's were quasi-acceptable. A's were considered to be the best I could do and should always strive for - it didn't matter the subject or the difficulty - if I wasn't getting an A, I wasn't applying myself. My dad did this for a couple of reasons: 1) he knew I could do it. He had every confidence in my abilities and thought that would be the best way to make me see what I could accomplish. 2) He wanted me, very badly, to go to college and then to med school. I could have - I had the grades for it. Hell - I was making a B in Biochemistry in college and I had pre-med majors around me failing. I tutored some of them. Why not med school? In comes the ex-husband.

My ex really did subject me to about 12 years of psychological abuse. It began in high school. He would always find someone better to date - leading me to believe I wasn't good enough, or I wasn't pretty enough, or accomplished enough, or smart enough, or talented enough (we were both in band). He dated anyone and everyone after dumping me - even my friends. It didn't end when we were in college or engaged the first or second times or married. He constantly compared me to other women and would make comments about how I could be like them if I did this or that. I won't bore with details - most have been (thankfully) forgotten. However, he wouldn't support me in my dreams and goals to go back to school for my master's, much less even consider allowing me to go to med school and supporting me while I was doing it. Why? I might actually prove to be better than him. The only way he could feel better, was to make me feel worse and keep me "lower" than him - financially, academically, any way possible.

I had a test about a week or so ago - in my hardest class. I haven't had a science course in college for 10 years. I have two grad level classes this semester (along with 3 other classes - yeah, I'm insane). I haven't had the pre-requisites for this course - and I got an override to be in there to begin with. I didn't stress when I took the actual test, I stressed when the prof came back with the score breakdown for the course. It's mixed grads and undergrads and some of the grad students are in the Ph.D. program. The grades for grads (say that 5X fast ;) were: 3 A's, 2 B's, and 3 C's. So, my overactive, underconfident mind goes into action. I couldn't possibly make an A with Ph.D. students in the class, or even a B when there are actual master's students in molecular and microbiology program in the class. So, I was pretty sure I had made a C, possibly a B if I were lucky.

I got an A. Not just an A - a perfect score on an entirely essay exam. I half expected the prof to ask me in to confront me to see if I had cheated somehow. Even after earning the grade - I expected them to question me. How stupid is that??? I earned it. I studied. I read. I took notes. I reviewed. I worked my butt off. I earned it. But, in the far back corner of my mind, that little underconfidence voice whispers - 'you didn't deserve it'.

I often wonder why I do the things I do and why I seem to be killing myself to finish my degrees. Or why I did my National Boards during my divorce. This obsessive need I have to prove myself - to everyone else - but I guess also to myself. I AM good enough. I AM smart enough. I CAN do these things. So the question really is: is doing all this a method to regain my confidence that I lost in the 12 years of my ex? Or is it to prove to everyone who always said I couldn't do something that I really can? Or is it both in some small way?

Chained

2005-10-02T00:16:00.000-05:00

First - excuse any spelling or capitalization errors - it's late and I'm typing off my laptop in my bedroom. Oh, wtf - it's my blog....

There are some type of women that I despise. I normally like most people - I, in fact, get along with almost everyone I meet. As much as C has pissed me off as a roommate, I still do care about him as a friend, and I really hate this little thing he is dating.

Women like her really, totally and absolutely screw it up for the rest of us. She's got him on a chain and is leading him around by his dick. Yep - it's pathetic. She's telling him exactly what he wants to hear: "I love you. I want you." etc. C is lonely - he wants to meet someone and get married NOW. You're probably thinking - there's nothing wrong with her saying that if she means it. Yeah, okay, read on....

First, she's been with a guy for that last four years - and she has not broken it off with this other guy, but is dating C. Hmmm....if she loves you, then why can't she break it off with the other guy? Why wouldn't she WANT to be with C all the time and not have to break dates with him to be with her "boyfriend" - oh, wait IT'S B/C SHE DOESN'T MEAN WHAT SHE IS SAYING. She's playing both sides. She's getting the attention from C that she is sorely lacking with her boyfriend, but is not willing to break it off with the other guy. Yeah, she's screwing both of them (literally and figuratively) and milking the damsel in distress thing to absolutely no end. She's 22 years old - she's playing C - big time.

My friend R came over tonight and we were doing schoolwork and we decided to go out for a change and catch a movie. C was making no move to leave the house (even though he doesn't have his kids this weekend). I figured I wouldn't even see him since he doesn't have the kids - but it's 9 PM and he's here. So, we ask him if he wants to go with us - he agrees. He calls her when we are on our way into the theater and leaves a message of where he's at and what he's doing. Okay - she's not your mom. I find out later that she broke plans with him last night AND tonight - but he still calls her. She calls back before the movie starts and I don't even know what happened there. He said he would call her when he was done. She calls back immediately and he tells me she's really pissed that he's out without her. HELLO??? Guys - answer me this - are you all really so desperate to get some that you enjoy being led around by your dick? She called FIVE TIMES DURING THE MOVIE - he checked the phone every single time - and checked his messages during the movie. I don't get it. She knows you're there - you said you would call back - leave it alone. WTF??? He hauls ass out of the theater, doesn't even say good night to R and I and immediately gets on his phone to call her back, and I presume, go to her place.

Guys - why always the damsel in distress? I really don't understand this. Women like this use you, lead you around, play games with you and you enjoy this? Wow - if this is true, I am absolutely screwed. I have never, and will never do this to someone. Why? B/c I've experienced it first hand and it's not fun - I have no respect for someone who does this either. Women like this really piss me off. When I choose to be with someone, it's b/c there is mutual respect and a desire to be with that person b/c I enjoy their company. I don't play games - I'm upfront and honest about who I am and what I want. I have goals. Yes, I have problems, but I prefer to try and work them out myself and solve them. If I can't, I'll talk and ask for advice or help. I'm fairly independent and do not believe in co-dependent relationships and feeling as though my self-worth is intricately tied to another person's happiness and allowing that person to have control over me. I did that for 12 years - I finally broke that cycle with my divorce - but it took a long time and it wasn't easy, but I did it. I now know the warning signs of it - and I see this with C - he is co-dependent really. He believes his entire self-worth is tied to someone else and not himself. In pursuit of this thing (I'll steal the Hot Librarian's term: psychohosebeast - or PHB for short) he has totally neglected just about everything - including his kids. No, I'm not exagerating that at all. Two weekends now he has NOT gone to get his kids and has had his other son's mother drive over here to pick him up - usually he meets her halfway b/c it's 2+ hour drive each way, and he's already over there to pick up his other kids. I think it's sad - he's totally wrapped up in this thing (I'm sorry I keep calling her that, but that's how I think of her - actually, I'm not sorry - she's a bitch that is ruining good men for the rest of us) and has become wrapped up in solving all of her problems and making his world revolve around hers. Again, guys, if that's what you want, then I'm going to be owning a lot of dogs for the rest of my life - I just won't play that game.

The fence

2005-09-30T21:18:00.000-05:00

I once saw a picture that someone sent me online that was too cool. It was a yellow, diamond shaped warning sign that had a picture (in black on yellow) of a german shephard in the center (like the outline but filled in so you could tell what kind of dog it was). The sign was posted on a tree with an open fence behind it and you could see the dog in the background. The top of the sign said "I can make it to the fence in 2.8 seconds" - the bottom (under the dog) said "Can you?".

I want this sign. Except, I, of course, want the picture of my lab on it instead of the german. Especially on nights like tonight, when I take my dog outside to go potty (and the yard is now fenced - for the dog I might add....why can't I deduct him on my taxes again??) and I see and hear the police helicopter flying almost directly over my neighborhood with the search light on. This is the time when I NEED THAT SIGN ON MY FENCE. Yes, I have a big, loveable black lab - but most idiots who are miscreants (wow, I got to use idiot and miscreant in the same sentence - pretty cool, huh?) do not know the difference between a black lab, a rottweiler, or a doberman pincer. Just having a picture of any dog (hell, a miniature poodle) on a sign would probably deter most people. So, if someone out there knows of a specialized sign company or pet supply place online that makes something like that OR can create something like that, please let me know. I want that sign for my fence :)

Addendum to previous post

2005-09-23T20:01:00.000-05:00

This is what I mean when I can be a real Bitch:

I had a roommate in college - T - that would FRY BOLOGNA and leave the pan on the stove. We finally sat down and talked to him about this and simply said, please turn around (a whole 3 feet) and place the pan in the sink with water and soap. We were not even asking him to wash it or put it in the dishwasher - just put water and soap in it to kill the smell. TWO DAYS LATER: I come home from class - pan with congealed grease on stove - whole apartment was rank. So, what did I do? I became a bitch - I put the pan in his bedroom IN HIS BED. And, I kid you not, he slept with it for 3 days before he realized it was even there. We never had a problem after that.

I get to a certain point where I think that I have been more than fair about something and I'm sorry, I shouldn't have to ask an adult man to clean up his dishes every day - I'm not his mom and I have better things to do with my time than remind him to clean up his own dishes - which is what he asked me to do this AM - and I said no. After the point where I feel I have been more than fair and patient, I'm going to let you know that I've been pushed over the edge - and it's not going to be a pretty sight. Unfortunately, I am part Irish and I have the temper to go with it. I do a pretty good job of controlling it, but I'm reaching the boiling point soon.

Dependability Part II

2005-09-23T19:08:00.000-05:00

Yep, I'm done. Previous post on dependability for those of you that are bored and have nothing else to do. Me - home (by choice) on a Friday night so I could get some work done. This week has been rough.

So, I left a pretty nasty note for C last night - about the dishes. Wow, what a shock. I should back up and explain why was not necessarily in the correct frame of mind to deal with a sinkful of dishes when I got home at 9:30 last night:

I got about 6 hours of sleep and got up at 5:30 on Thursday morning to study for a test that I had on Thursday morning.
I have no idea how much caffeine I poured into my body on Thursday - an IV would have worked well - I think I passed the legal limit - I had class last night that I needed to stay awake for.
My class ran over time by about 40 minutes. One of my group members, rather than paying attention to what was going on and taking notes (knowing that we have to totally redo an assignment) screwed around for about an hour of class on the web.
We got to class and discovered we (meaning almost the entire class) were missing part of the assignment that was due the day before and the prof doesn't allow late submissions on work. Once he found out that we had been unclear on directions, he said it had to be posted asap to receive credit.
Right before class, I find out that my brother, sister-in-law and their 3 kids may have to evacuate from the storm. My dad calls me back and says they are not (base commander won't let him leave) - my dad then tells me that my sister-in-law is pregnant again, and that my brother is probably going to need surgery on his knee again since he may have either torn the meniscus or the ACL a couple of days ago - so he is hobbling around with a brace right now.
I've been parking in my garage for over 2 years with no piece of wood to tell me where to stop and I have yet to hit anything. I moved the fucking piece of wood out of the way yesterday (C apparently thinks I'm an idiot and I don't know how to park in my own garage) and he put it back last night. He didn't put it up far enough, so the garage door hit my car coming down. I was a little tired to notice I wasn't pulled up far enough and I was still IN my freaking car when it happened.
Then, I come in with the following mindset: I am totally lost on something very important in the class that I had on Thursday evening. I'm frustrated and upset and confused - I called my dad and had a complete and total breakdown on the phone (crying uncontrollably - which I hate more than anything in the world) and I'm seriously beginning to question why I am in this program - which I then email my prof about as well.
C invites his latest fling to the house - without any apparent consideration for anything that I need to do.
He passes the sink at least 4 times BEFORE she arrives and doesn't do a damn thing with any of the dishes in the sink.

Now, had I not had the day (or for that matter, the week) that I had, I probably wouldn't have written the note. However, I really didn't want to start my Friday off by having a sink full of dirty dishes. I can be a real bitch sometimes. I have a feeling that at some point, dishes are going to end up in C's bedroom - I just feel it coming. Bottom line - he's not listening or even taking anything I ask into consideration. It's really pissing me off. I think he will be leaving in December.

This AM was pretty bad. He asked me about the note and he left one for me telling me that I didn't have to be so "stinky" and I told him that yes, I did. I'm sick of this. I've asked him for 2 full weeks to call a storage company to get his shit out of the garage. "I forgot" or "I didn't have time". It took me TEN MINUTES to find a storage company. TEN. MINUTES. It's takes less than 5 minutes to put dishes in the dishwasher. FIVE. MINUTES. I'm over it - which is exactly what I told him this morning. I've over it. I think tonight I'll tell him that December is it. I really don't think this is working out at all.

Why is this not working? First, I'm tired of being shit on - this goes back to being dependable. And here's what really pisses me off: I agreed some months ago that I would watch his son for 3 days each month from Sept thru Dec. This is a major inconvenience for me. I have classes. I've already had to take him to a class with me for 3 hours - I'd like to see ANYONE try to keep a 9 year old boy occupied and quiet for 3 solid hours on a weekday evening. Fortunately he was able to play in the computer lab, but I still had to go check on him periodically. So, I can do this for him, but simple little things that I ask him to do just get shoved to the wayside. Well, that pretty much stops right now. I'm tired of being taken for granted and taken advantage of. I hate to sound like a bitch, but let's face it - I AM a bitch. I'm just a bitch in hiding so to speak. I'm over this. So, next time he calls me at the last minute (like he did two weeks ago) to ask me if I can pick up his son for after-school care, the answer will be "No". Can I watch him for a couple of hours? "No". Any other requests - NO. I'm tired of it. As it is, I am barely holding it together for myself. Things just have a way of cropping up at the last minute and they have to be dealt with. There's too much to do and not enough time to do it in. I really need to work 24/7 this weekend to get caught up on homework. I have no idea when I will be able to finish working on everything that I need to finish.

On the flip side - I applied for a different position with my job today. I know that I won't get it - but I wanted to throw my hat in the ring so at least they know that I am interested in moving up beyond teaching and into the curriculum area with the school. We'll see what happens. I would at least like to get an interview if nothing else. Again, I probably won't get it - there are, I'm sure, too many others out there that have more experience than I do that will be applying. Although, this is sometimes part of my problem.... I do not have enough confidence in myself to go after things sometimes - especially if it puts me "out there" or sets me up for failure somehow. This is something that I know that I need to work on - but one step at a time - I need to kick C out in Dec first, then finish school, then think about moving or talking to my school about moving to GA. So, that's it for the night - I think I'm going out for ice cream :)

What goes around....

2005-09-11T16:03:00.000-05:00

...comes around....

Remember that saying - oh and the other one "You get back what you put out" - yep, firm believer in that.

Remember that assholes that live across the street from me and have absolutely no respect for anyone or anything except themselves?

So, earlier this week I see the Pimp-mobile up on blocks and the tires are gone. I don't really think anything of it - they are always working on cars (as evidenced by the oil that stains their driveway and the street in front of their house - and incidentally, mine...). Well, today C is outside working on his car and I'm pulling weeds. He asks the guy what happened to his tires (he no longer has the pimp rims on it - just the normal ones). The guy says "They got jacked"

I'm having a hard time feeling bad for him - I know I should - it sucks when you are robbed, but then again, I think about how he treats others with no respect at all - and then I think of how disrespectful it is when someone steals your stuff - and then I think - what goes around comes around.

BTW - my dad bust a gut laughing when he found out (he knows what I've been dealing with for the past year) - and basically said "it serves them right for being so disrespectful and rude to all their neighbors - not just you" b/c they are. Their friends show up late at night, music blaring or they do it on purpose (again, see previous post about the assholes saying they are being assholes on purpose). Thoughts?

Weekly wrap-up for thoughts....

2005-09-09T20:13:00.000-05:00

So, this was an interesting week that went by in a flash. I'm not even sure I remember the entire week, which may not be a bad thing.

C and I talked AGAIN about things and I basically gave him a list of non-compromisable items. It seemed to be working this week. Since he's been gone since Wednesday out of town, I can't say it's been 100% effective yet - we'll see.

So, on top of him being out of town, it meant that I had to watch his son for him this week while he was gone. I agreed to do this back in July when he found out about this training thing he has to do for work, and before we discussed him moving in, so I'm okay with it. L tried typical kid stuff - like trying to go to bed in his jeans instead of his pj's, and having to be told to brush his teeth and wash his hands - stuff like that, and that's pretty normal for a nine-year-old.

So, C calls me yesterday to tell me that his mother's brother (who was 28) died very suddenly of a heart attack on Wednesday. She is still coming to get him, but don't say anything to his son - understandable and that's definitely NOT something that I want to deal with - been there, done that, have the T-shirt and it sucked.

Can you say "uncomfortable moment" tonight when she got here to pick him up? First, I could tell she's very upset - duh! of course she will be. Then, C didn't know when the funeral would be, so I didn't know what kind of clothes L (his son) would need to get together. I just told him a nice pair of jeans and at least one non-play shirt. So, his mom gets here and makes a big fuss about him getting a nice pair of pants and a nice shirt packed - which he has no idea where his clothes are since he didn't put them in the closet. I see that she is about to lose it, so I send him to get his socks and shoes on while I hunt down clothes. She gets him outside, and again almost breaks down in front of me. I should also stress - this is the very first time I've ever met this woman. I'm sure that she must think C and I are dating again, and we ARE NOT under any circumstances doing that at all. So, this was one of those unpredictable, uncomfortable moments in life that you wish had never happened. What do you say to a total stranger, whose son you are watching, who has lost a brother, has not told her son and is getting ready to lose it in your foyer? Well, there wasn't much I could say except that I understand what she is going through and to please call if she needs to.

So, that was my Friday night - pretty exciting, eh? The rest of my week was fairly routine. Grad school, work, more work, more grad school, oh - insurance paperwork to fax in since I missed the deadline and had to get it in asap or be without insurance for 2 months instead of one, cleaning, laundry, more grad school, even more work .....sigh..... conversation with dad about cheap housing in GA (again!), and this damn tropical storm raining everyday so I can't get anything done in my yard. Ugh. I'm beat. Doesn't sound like I did too much this week, but, I did. Oh - paid bills too. I love my bank - it offers free online bill pay - you ONLY pay a fee if you DON'T use it within a 90 day period - how awesome is that?? Secure and easy and FREE unlike others that charge - I do the credit union thing :) I will miss that when I leave. But, I may try to keep it since everything is direct deposit or online and I hardly ever use the ATM any more since I have the visa check card now - world's best invention in my opinion. Oh, I finally went to the chiropractor today - WOW do I feel better :) Next appointment in 2 weeks and I'm going to try and squeeze a massage in my schedule (no pun intended) between now and then as well to loosen up the muscles more so he can really get in there to adjust - he really couldn't do as much as he wanted to today b/c everything was too tight.

Jedi is pissy b/c we haven't walked in several days - well, it's raining - I have to continually remind him that he doesn't like to walk in the rain, and neither do I really. So, we will see what the weather is like in the early AM. My reminders have no effect on him whatsoever since he understands not a word of what I am saying most times - much like children ;)

So, I have the house to myself until tomorrow at around 5 PM - kind of nice in a way, and this will happen at least once a month until December. So, with my very boring week in black and white, or really in white on green for my blog, I bid a good night and good weekend to everyone.

Roommate issues

2005-09-05T20:37:00.000-05:00

Okay, I'm hereby officially advising anyone who has ever considered taking a roommate into their house (not an apartment - that's a little different) to NOT do it under any circumstances.

Long story short - b/c I am tired and not typing too well right now - I've asked my friend C who has moved into my guest room to do a few, simple courteous things that you would do if you were in someone's house. Examples:
Clean up your own dishes - and your kids' dishes - do not rely on kids to do it - check it.
Put things back as you found them.
Lock doors when you leave the house.
etc.

My one friend thinks I am being entirely unreasonable and that I need to compromise.

Well, in my opinion, I have already made HUGE compromises for C and the kids. I gave up part of my office and rearranged furniture in my home to fit his stuff - including a bed in my office for the kids - which I was really not too keen on doing.

So, Saturday AM I have a complete breakdown in front of him and we have a huge fight. I've already had 2 breakdowns with various friends earlier in the week. The main issue: dishes - cannot be left scattered around the house (NOT joking here) or in the sink - put them in the f***ing dishwasher.

Sat. night I come home from school from doing some work - the kitchen is a disaster and all of them are sitting around in the living room watching a movie. Hmmm... I want to make dinner
for myself and can't b/c there is no room for me to work. I have to ASK someone to come clean up the kitchen - I don't think I should have to do that.

We talked AGAIN this morning about it. Guess what's in the sink RIGHT NOW and he is home. He has washed his hands in the kitchen sink and rinsed out his own glass to get water. The dishes are still sitting there. If they are still there tomorrow morning - I'm going to ask him to leave by the end of the month.

How many of you out there think I am being unreasonable? I will state this: This is MY HOME and right now, I do not even feel comfortable in it. On Sat. morning (it was really bad - place reeked like dog urine - which it wasn't - he left a pan out overnight where he beer-boiled hotdogs and it fermented to ammonia) when I left to go to school to work - I didn't even want to come home. All I could think about was Georgia. If I weren't in school where I HAD to attend two of my classes b/c they take roll (all the others are online) I probably would have called my friend who is a realtor and left.

It goes back to my dependability post (sorry - not linking it - too tired - look to your right) - I also told him this AM - I feel like my wishes about how to keep up the house are being totally disrespected and disregarded, and that I am being taken advantage of right now.

I'll see how tomorrow AM works out. Right now, I'm pretty pissed to the point that I am typing this while he is in the room and not even talking to him. He probably thinks it's b/c it's late, I'm tired and working on the computer. Who knows?? Thoughts anyone???

What was I thinking?????

2005-09-02T15:15:00.000-05:00

Okay, what on earth was I thinking about when I decided to go back to school? Grad school may kill me - which is why I haven't posted in a while - the last one doesn't count b/c it was a copy/paste from an email.

I am overloaded. Today sucked. Last night sucked. I hate my Thursday night professor - he treated us like we were a bunch of morons. I'm sorry - I didn't pay $500 to be talked down to when I am an intelligent adult. If I weren't, I wouldn't be sitting in front of you asshole!!!!!!!

I also ended up staying up until midnight last night working - even worse - still didn't finish. I could not get anything done yesterday for work in a consistent manner. Every time I tried to do something - some interuption would occur. I now have three freaking phones and a pager - ugh. Then, I tried to sleep in this AM - oh, yeah, my dog is my alarm clock - no sleeping in for me! Up at 6:15 - finally rolled him off me (he likes to flop on top of me in the morning in hopes of getting a tummy rub - which he did for about 30 minutes then I booted his 85 pound butt off the bed and off me!) at around 7ish. Got dressed - went for a walk with him - he's been neglected for the past two days - no time for walks or play. Got back - logged in and did email and finished grading. Took a shower - went right back to bed for an hour and a half. If one of my stupid phones hadn't rung, I probably would have slept all day (apparently, I turned the alarm off and went back to sleep and didn't realize it). Motivation to get stuff done has been lacking today. I went and got gas so I could go to my professor's house for the social meeting thing he does once a month so I can network. He lives in BFE. But, it's a nice part of town - it's just BFE. I am finally getting laundry dealt with and hung up. And I've made my way through 5 or 6 boxes of stuff from school that I either threw out, kept (although where I'm going to put it, have NO freaking clue), or put into boxes for this new teacher to pick up from me tonight. ....sigh.... Only six more boxes to go - ugh.

And to top everything else off - I'm going to have to buy about $200 worth of software for my computer this semester - AAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You know you live in Florida when...

2005-08-27T09:10:00.000-05:00

You have FEMA's number on your speed dialer.
You have more than 300 C and D batteries in your kitchen drawer.
Your pantry contains more than 20 cans of Spaghetti Os.
You are thinking of repainting your house to match the plywood covering your windows.
When describing your house to a prospective buyer, you say it has three bedrooms, two baths and one safe hallway.
Your SSN isn't a secret, it's written in Sharpie on your arms.
You are on a first-name basis with the cashier at Home Depot.
You are delighted to pay $3 for a gallon of regular unleaded.
The road leading to your house has been declared a No-Wake Zone.
You decide that your patio furniture looks better on the bottom of the pool.
You own more than three large coolers.
You can wish that other people get hit by a hurricane and not feel the least bit guilty about it.
You rationalize helping a friend board up by thinking "It'll only take a gallon of gas to get there and back"
You have 2-liter coke bottles and milk jugs filled with water in your freezer.
Three months ago you couldn't hang a shower curtain; today you can assemble a portable generator by candlelight.
You catch a 13-pound redfish. In your driveway.
You can recite from memory whole portions of your homeowner's insurance policy.
You consider a "vacation" to stunning Tupelo, Mississippi.
At cocktail parties, women are attracted to the guy with the biggest chainsaw.
You have had tuna fish more than 5 days in a row.
There is a roll of tar paper in your garage.
You can rattle off the names of three or more meteorologists who work at the Weather Channel.
Someone comes to your door to tell you they found your roof.
Ice is a valid topic of conversation.
Your "drive-thru" meal consists of MRE's and bottled water.
Relocating to South Dakota does not seem like such a crazy idea.
You spend more time on your roof then in your living room.
You've been laughed at over the phone by a roofer, fence builder or a tree worker.
A battery powered TV is considered a home entertainment center.
You don't worry about relatives wanting to visit during the summer.
Your child's first words, "hunker down" and you didn't go to UGA!
Having a tree in your living room does not necessarily mean it's Christmas.
Toilet Paper is elevated to coin of the realm at the shelters.
You know the difference between the "good side" of a storm and the "bad side."
Your kids start school in August and finish in July.
You go to work early and stay late just to enjoy the air conditioning.

I really despise...

2005-08-23T20:30:00.000-05:00

...the assholes across the street. This will be another quick vent so I can get it off my mind before I go to bed.

C came over to help me move some stuff around and also to clean out the garage so we can use it as temporary storage. The assholes across the street are all standing around talking and have music blaring from one of their cars. He overhears them saying (which they know he can hear them) that they are just doing this now to be pains in the asses.

So, what will happen - cops. Anytime after 10 I get woken up or Chris or one of the kids is woken up by those assholes - I'm calling in a noise complaint. I'm going to continue to do it until either the cops get pissed enough for coming out for the same damn reason and start writing fines, or the assholes get sick of it and quit being pains in the asses. Why, oh why, oh why did I end up with such juvenile delinquent assholes who don't give a shit about anything living across the street from me?????

11 more months....11 more months....11 more months....11 more months....11 more months...GA....GA....GA....GA....GA.....

I hate stupid lazy people....

2005-08-23T18:15:00.000-05:00

This will be a quick vent.

I'm leaving the gym after class tonight and trying to back out - but there is a car behind me blocking me in. I look (aggravated) and realize it's NOT him - it's the idiot in front of him - WHO IS GOING TO A GYM TO WORK OUT AND IS WAITING ON A PARKING SPOT WITH HIS BLINKER ON SO HE DOESN'T HAVE TO WALK AS FAR TO GO INSIDE. Dude - you are going in to work out - WTF??? Walk the extra 20 feet to the gym entrance rather than hold up three people because you are too freaking lazy - if you're that lazy, you don't belong in the gym!!!!!! Go home and be a couch potato or something - b/c you are pissing the rest of us off and wasting our time!

Funk

2005-08-20T19:28:00.000-05:00

I'm in a funk. I really can't figure out why.

I'd like to fastforward through this next year and have it be exactly one year from now - August 20, 2006 - then instead of moving furniture around in my house right now, I'd hopefully be moving furniture OUT of my house to move to Georgia.

I moved a bookshelf today and realized just how beat up my carpet is - ugh. I don't want to change it right now either, especially if I am going to leave. If I pick something that the next person doesn't want, then it's wasted money. I was hoping to put wood floors down this year - but there's no realy point to doing that either.

I sat down and read the entire 6th Harry Potter book today. Not joking. I got up early, walked, did some grading, did the yard, took a shower, then started reading. Started maybe around 11 AM, finished at 5:30 PM. Not too bad. Although I really should have been reading one of my text books for class - oh well - I never get to read for pleasure anymore anyways.

There's a house in my neighborhood for sale - it's the same model as mine. They bought it for 133K. Mine was 131K - theirs is on a slightly bigger lot. The yard is not well kept, and the fence looks like shit. They are asking 299K for it - I almost choked when I saw that. Although, it's really encouraging. If I can even get 250K out of this house next year, I would have no problem finding a place in GA, getting rid of most of my furniture that I have now (which I absolutely hate and want to get rid of anyways) and be able to not only put 20% down on a new house up there (that will undoubtably be larger than what I have now and on a bigger piece of land - and I really want a pool) and get new furniture as well. It's something that I am definitely looking forward to. I think I will shit a brick if that house actually sells for 299K - that's just a ridiculous asking price in my opinion. I'll be interested to see what it actually sells for - I will definitely watch for it. Public records online is a wonderful thing!

So, no reason for the funk. I wish I could figure out why I feel like this. Just can't pinpoint it for some reason. Oh well - maybe I will wake up tomorrow and be able to figure it out. Or maybe it's just b/c I sat around and read all day and now have no motivation to do much of anything else. .....sigh.....

Roommate??

2005-08-14T15:35:00.000-05:00

I'm thinking about taking a roommate - for a couple of reasons - and there are pros and cons to it that I need to think about - especially with this particular person.

Reasons why I'm thinking about it:
1) Money - it's going to a be a little tight now that I am only doing one job - at least until December. I am making more money, but it isn't enough to cover unforeseen things that may happen (i.e. the window breaking in my car - which C is going to fix for me tomorrow for free once I get the part :)
2) Companionship - it would be nice to have someone around to talk to periodically and have a person here, rather than the phone. I love my dog dearly, but it just doesn't cut it some days, especially now that I am working full time from home - adult contact is important!
3) Maintenance - it would be nice to have someone to help me around the house when something breaks and I feel like an idiot for not knowing how to fix it.
4) Pet care - my brother will always take Jedi for me when I leave, but the cat is another story. It would be great to have someone here to help with that if possible.

Cons:
1) Who - it would be C - which is not a bad thing EXCEPT: he has full custody of one of his kids that stays with him during the week and he has custody of his other three on the weekends. They are older, so it wouldn't be too bad - weekends would be a little interesting with the three of them around. During the week I don't think it would be a problem.
2) Furniture - I would have some major reorganizing and moving stuff around between now and September (when his current lease is up). I would also have to get rid of the desk that I currently have - again not a big deal since I hate it; and maybe buy a sleeper sofa - again, not a big deal b/c I would like new living room furniture. Yes, I know - I'm taking a roommate to help with expenses, and I'm thinking about spending more money. Yes, I'm insane - but I think it could work. I have enough to pay cash for the desk and 1/2 cash for the sofa.
3) Money - I'm not really comfortable taking $$ from a friend - it would be weird. I can't even talk about it with him right now - it's just weird.
4) Pets - he also has a dog. I know Jedi is okay with it, but I'm not sure how my cat will react.

So, C and I have talked about it tonight, along with some advice from my second mom before I talked to him, and he's going to come over one night this week so we can see if anything will work - especially with the furniture. I want to get rid of some of mine, and he wants to get rid of a lot of his, so it might work out okay. Some of his stuff will have to go into storage though - either in a storage place here or to his parent's house on the west coast. We've also decided to maybe try it this coming weekend with the kids here and see how it works - if it works or not. Then, we've agreed to maybe try it until December, then sit down and talk it out. If either one of us is uncomfortable, then he finds another place and no hard feelings - so it's really about 3 months that we would try it and see what happens. He knows that I'm planning on moving around August or September next year, but I also know he may have his own branch to manage by then or before then, so he may even be gone before I move out.

So, all you lovely readers out there..... advice here would be welcome. I've never really had a roommate except for a couple of years in college - and for two of them, I was living with my ex-husband and one of his friends, so I don't know if that counts. I've only ever lived with my ex in a house, and then have lived on my own for the past four years, and for another year and a half when we first broke up after I graduated from college.

C is a little happy about this - I can tell in his voice. I also know he really doesn't like where he lives. The neighborhood is not great and if it were just him w/o the kids, it wouldn't be a problem. Here, there is a playground and kids in the same age groups as his, so it would be safer for them and he wouldn't worry so much about them being outside or playing outside. So, comments? Suggestions? I've given this alot of thought, and we've (C and I) have kind of discussed it a little bit over the past couple of weeks, but I've been really hesitant, and C has not pushed (which is another thing I love about him). But today, I broached the subject in a serious manner, so he knows I'm really considering it. I don't joke about things like that.

Done for the next 9 days!!!

2005-08-13T21:19:00.000-05:00

I have just turned in a final project for my last online class (of course it's due tomorrow - nothing like a little procrastination to get the heart pumping! lol) - so I am DONE with grad school for the next 9 days of this month :-D

So, what will I do with myself?? Hmmm.... my house is a disaster! Last night I totally cleaned my bedroom from top to bottom and threw out a bunch of crap - that felt really, really good :) I got clothes and some other things ready to take to GoodWill as well. That will now have to wait until after Monday so I can get my damn car window fixed.

Then, once I manage to finish cleaning my house, I think I will start reading books for next term. Yes, I am a nerd. However, it takes me forever to read something for school since I have to take notes, so I need to get started on it now. My two science courses are scaring the crap out of me - I glanced at the books (which are NOT small) and I think they are going to kick my butt. I know the other classes I am taking will have a lot of project based work, but I'm okay with that. I'm NOT okay with the science stuff - and I'm just betting (based on my research HELL this summer) that they will each require some sort of paper as well. .....sigh.... I'm tired of research - it sucks. Someone please remind me of this and how much I hate it when I start talking about doing my doctorate. As it is, no one is going to see me for the next five months of school (this will be my heaviest load of classes I have ever taken) and I'm still working full time. HOWEVER, I'm no longer working two jobs :) and in the spring semester this past year, I: worked two jobs - one full time during the day (which I would have to bring work home for), one part-time at home, and took 3 classes three nights each week and managed. So, I think I can handle just about anything. Plus, this summer was no picnic either - three classes, two jobs and a research report - yeah, I'm all OVER this coming semester :) I need to remember this post along about October when I am DYING!! LOL

Dependability - not!

2005-08-13T07:40:00.000-05:00

I'm tired of being the dependable one. My friends ask for favors - even at the last minute and in some cases emergencies, and I never say no. If it's in my power to help them, I do it.

So, where are my friends this morning when I need help? Too busy to deal with me. Too tired to help out. I'm over this.

I was driving this morning, from my walk (and I've had the worst possible Saturday morning. Everything that could have gone wrong has and I've been up off/on since 4 AM) and I'm winding down the window to get some fresh air in the car and clear it out, and then I start to put the window up.....and it jams. So, my window is about 3/4 of the way closed - leaving a gap just large enough that someone could break into my car if I left it out in a parking lot somewhere. So, I call Mazda - the service guy says if I can get it up there in the next 30 minutes, he can take care of it today, but I'd have to drop it off. So, I'm calling all my friends to see if someone can meet me up there and take me home and bring me back up later. BOTH of my friends that I am calling live within about 20 minutes of the Mazda place and it's maybe 35-40 minutes back to my house depending on traffic. Can either one of them help me? Nope.

Hmmmm......I think I'm tired of being the dependable one. R called me back and said she made a mistake and has to go to the airport earlier today than she thought. Well, guess what - I can't do that today. One - if it rains, my car is going to flood. It's Florida, it's summer, it rains every freaking afternoon. Two - I have things that need to get done outside in my yard today, and I'm not waiting until this afternoon (when it rains) to do them - they need to be done now. So, sorry, can't take you to the airport anymore. I could tell she was pissed. She said, "Well, I'm going to call around and see if I can find someone else to take me then. I can't rely on a 'maybe' to take me." Well, thanks for NOT taking me to the Mazda place this morning too so I could get my car fixed.

Then, as I am driving home, trying to call everyone I know in town on my cell to see if someone could take me (and no one could), all I could think of is "Hmmm...if I were in Georgia right now, I wouldn't have this problem. My dad would be available to help me with this immediately and the problem would be solved." I'm really, really, really tired of being the dependable one.

Trail time

2005-08-11T09:36:00.000-05:00

I love walking on the trails around town. My favorite one is in Winter Springs, but there is one less than 1/8 of a mile from my house and we have an entrance from my subdivision that leads onto the trail.

I love the trails because it gives me time to think while I am walking w/Jedi. I don't use a CD player or listen to music, I just walk, enjoy the birds and various other animals that we see and think. My favorite sounds are the cicadas in the trees on the springs trail - in the early morning it's just an incredibly peaceful sound. The birds start moving around and waking up and singing - it's wonderful.

What do I think about? I think about everything. Last night C said I am very cerebral when it comes to relationships or just life in general. He's right (and I hate it when he's right), but I am. I think most women are to some extent - at least more so than men. We just analyze things more before we act on them.

My thoughts were not very coherent this morning. I also wasn't really awake. I did enjoy a wonderful sunrise, and Jedi almost chased a cat - the same freaking cat that was in my yard and it was almost a mile away from it's home - go figure - those people are idiots (and yes, I think I actually said that aloud to Jedi this AM once the cat scampered off - I know, I know, but I DO talk to my dog!!!)

So, trail time is *me* time. I take Jedi with me b/c I simply can't imagine leaving him inside on a gorgeous morning. He's great. And he LOVES to walk. He gets all excited and his eyes perk up and his eyes - literally - light up. He got spoiled before the walk today too - I woke up at 5 AM for no apparent reason and rather than get up and work, I gave him a 45 minute tummy rub and then dozed until 6:30. Yes, I spoil my dog. Or as my dad says "He's not spoiled, he's loved a lot".

So, I may be single, and I may have hated the grocery store last night, but I do have things that I enjoy doing that are just for me. And I won't give those up even if I do find someone - b/c it's me time, and that is just as important as "us" time in relationship world. I may be single, but I'm not dead and I'm not unhappy - I just had a small panic attack and now I'm fine. Of course, school (grad) begins in 11 days and I am seriously rethinking my schedule for that today. For the first time in my life, I think I may not be able to handle something and I am actually admitting it to myself while I still have time to make a change. Progress - YES!

Singles night at Publix - ugh

2005-08-10T18:41:00.000-05:00

Okay, so - Publix is the local grocery store in Florida. I ran out of milk this AM for breakfast (and I can NOT eat breakfast without milk, it's just not a possibility), so I had to go to the store. Apparently, I missed the flyer that Publix sent out saying that Wednesday afternoon was the "middle - to - old age singles night". Yep, not kidding. So, that now goes on my calendar as the day NOT to go to Publix. Why? It's a little depressing seeing these 45+ year olds tottering (not lying) up and down every single frigging aisle (even the pet aisle, but they don't have a pet) just to have something to do on a Wednesday afternoon/early evening. I got depressed, or as my friend R said, I had a "singles panic attack". Yes, don't really get it. Of why I'm still single.

Perfect example of why I don't get it - and I'm not jealous of any of my friends, but I just don't get the way the world or fate or whatever the hell you want to call it works.....

I'm fairly successful - I can support myself financially and not be a burden on anyone. I own my own place (not a renter throwing money out the window), I'm reasonably attractive - no facial scars or a third eye or anything, decent shape (not perfect, but who is??), enjoy lots of activities, well-read and I'm going back to school to further my education and eventually get a better job. Then, there's a friend of mine that I knew for several years who got married a couple of years ago and is expecting twins. She's really not that attractive, she was/is very overweight and not very active, she never went to college, could barely support herself and has an incredbily acerbic personality - I saw her run clients off (she owned a small business for a couple of years before she closed it down when she got married). Her husband is wonderful. I've met him - sweet, kind, considerate, etc. So, how does someone like her get married and I can't make a relationship work? Just. don't. get it.

Here's the thing that keeps crossing my mind - men, especially older men, don't want a 30-something year old. They want something younger, prettier, more energetic (or so they think) woman. So, as I get older, my chances become slimmer of actually finding someone that I would want to marry, or more importantly that wants to get married to a 30 something woman. So, feeling very single tonight. It doesn't help that work is overwhelming at the moment, it is pouring down rain, and I'm home alone. Can't even walk the dog right now with the stupid rain - I would go b/c I really need to escape the house, but even tho my dog is a Lab and supposedly loves water, he hates to walk in the rain. And I have an incredible headache that just won't go away.

So, is there an answer to the dilemma. Um, nope. Except don't go to Publix on Wednesday afternoons/evenings.

Legally brunette moments

2005-08-06T09:29:00.000-05:00

I absolutely love the movie Legally Blond. If you are a woman and you've seen it, you'll already know why. I watch this when I get off track and need to get my focus back - it never fails to help.
So, this past week has been a week full of legally brunette moments (since I am not a blond, although I do have blond highlights :). I'm slowly, but steadily, getting my life back in order and regaining my focus. Part of it has been that grad school summer session is winding down and I'm feeling better about starting the new semester. I'm getting more comfortable in my new job and getting into a better routine during the day to balance work, "me" time, grad school work and dog time. I've also recruited some people to help me stay on track with my weight loss and exercise goals. Since my divorce, that has been a sore spot with me. And the last two years have been terrible - I read recently in several different places (including one of my grad school texts) that weight gain around the waist, especially in women, is caused by stress and this also could lead to increased risk for heart disease and type II diabetes. My family has a well-known history of heart problems - and they've already found two in me that are not critical and will probalby not impact me, but I really don't want to go through heart surgery. The last two years ALL of the weight I've put on (about 10 pounds or so) has seemed to go straight to my waist. I hate it. So, I'm taking more positive steps to reduce stress and set goals that are realistic for losing the weight in a healthy way that doesn't involve extreme dieting, but does involve lifestyle changes.

So, my routine now (which I LOVE that I can do this with my new job - I could not with my old one due to having to get to work so early): I get up around 5:40 or so - which is the same time I used to get up, so it's no big change there, BUT instead of jumping the shower and rushing to get to school, I get my butt to the gym and spend about 40 minutes weight training and another 30 or so doing some type of cardio. I come home from the gym and if it's not incredibly hot/humid already (this is about 7:30 AM) - I walk the dog about 2 miles (another 30 minutes of moderate cardio). I then work from home from about 9 - noon and break for lunch. I spend my afternoons running errands or doing grad work or cleaning up around the house, then in the evenings I work a little more - which usually means making phone calls to my students. I stop around 8 and do whatever else needs to be done until bedtime. AND I'm trying to consistently get between 7-8 hours of sleep each night - 8 is ideal for me, but minimum is 7 I've found.

I was not getting that much sleep with my regular job - it was about 6 a night average - which I've also read contributes to the stress response and weight gain at the waist. ....sigh.... If I had known this sooner, I don't think it would have made that much of a difference - I had to keep the schedule I was on. What WOULD have made a difference is not having so much stress at my school during the day caused by my former a**hole of a principal and his lackey - my assistant principal (who also turned out to be an a**).

Other things I do to de-stress include adding yoga during the day at least a couple of times a week. I'm also occasionally doing my cardio in the afternoons and taking a class just to mix things up. And, I'm watching what I eat - right now WeightWatchers is my friend :) I like it because it's not a "diet" - but it's helping me be more conscious of what I eat by monitoring/journaling my food and I can see when I am making healthy choices, and when I am making stressful choices. I've also recruited 4 friends to motivate me - three of which are going to also embark on the weight-loss journey with me so we can keep each other motivated. A support system is critical. I used to have a personal trainer and she was my support system (my ex never would support anything I was doing - but he sure would pick on me, example: Why don't you get breast implants? You would look thinner. Nice guy, huh?) So, can't afford the trainer, but I CAN afford friends :)

I didn't mean for this to be a weight-loss rant this AM - but I did need to see it in black & white. Other things in my life are slowly getting under control as well. My house is slowly returning to normal and getting cleaned. I had to put a lot on hold due to trying to wrap up school for the summer. This weekend will be the finishing touches on the inside of getting my place cleaned and organized, then I will slowly begin working on the garage and getting boxes unpacked or stored, and throwing stuff out that I no longer want/need for any reason. I will soon be making my "master" list of things that I would like to do before the end of the year - but are not critical to be completed immediately. Then, as I have time, I will schedule those activities. For me, planning is crucial and allows me to stay on task and feel as though I have accomplished my goals - whether they be small (logging my food and exercise) or huge (finishing grad school) - I have to plan. But, I've been learning to set more realistic goals on a daily, weekly and monthly basis that are also allowing me to not stress and see things more clearly, and I'm not wigging out at the little things so much anymore. Example: my bank switched my credit card number and I forgot to change it on the online bill payer thing I use. So, my entire payment ( a BIG chunk of $$) went to the wrong card and it was showing a negative balance and the new one was showing no change. So, I calmly called the bank, explained what had happened and verified that they would take care of it for me. Done. The not-so-old me would have flipped out - even on the phone - the "newer" me is beginning to realize that shit happens and that to de-stress, I need to deal with things a little more calmly.

Oh, and the new me is planning a vacation for my spring break in March - and one of my friends (who is in the virtual weight-loss group) is planning on joining me :) Carribean vaca here I come!!!!!

I have just become....

2005-07-31T07:22:00.000-05:00

....a bitch. Yep, I've gone over the edge to bitch-dom this morning and I'm not sure that there is any turning back. Once again, the idiots across the street - who have PLENTY of room in their driveway and in front of their home, have parked a car in front of my house. So, how did I become a bitch? The tow truck is on it's way - they just called to get directions - to tow it. Do I care? Nope, not really - I've been dealing with this shit for over a year now and I'm tired of it. I warned them one final time that I would no longer ask them not to do this or call the sheriff or anything else if it happened again - I would just call the tow company. I'm done. I really, really, really, hate the fact that I have become a bitch.

PS on the Notebook

2005-07-29T21:58:00.000-05:00

Yes, a couple of things to add:
1) R did not shed a single tear during the entire movie - I am apparently "sappy". Yeah, right, okay. Anyone who knows me knows that I HATE to cry and almost never do it. If you've seen the movie, you know it's tearjerker - it ranks right up there with "Steel Magnolias'
2) Read fast - I may draft both of these by tomorrow AM when I come to my senses and realize what I wrote. I'm already having second thoughts but am too tired to deal with them right now - eyes are burning and I need to chase R out of the house so I can go to bed.

The Notebook

2005-07-29T21:32:00.000-05:00

I saw this one in the theater and cried - of course, I then buy it and haven't watched it, knowing that it will be worse now that I know the ending. I was right. My friend R came over tonight - we were supposed to do homework while watching - yeah, rrrrrrriiiiiiiiigggggggghhhhhhhhhttttttt. So, my eyes are red, my nose is stuffy and I cried a lot tonight. I kind of needed to do it - release a little bit - maybe I will actually sleep good tonight.

I've had some really bizarre dreams about my ex-husband lately. R says it's b/c I haven't let go. Believe me, I've let go. When I found out he got married last year - that was the end of it. I don't feel anything towards him - positive or negative - and have no desire to be friends or anything else. I don't want him back. So, why the bizarro dream? I have no clue. I need to get away from here - permanently. I'm ready for a change. I want to fast forward this year and just get it done and so I am one step closer to leaving.

R says I am sabotaging myself. At the end of the movie she's like "I want to find a man like that who will stand by me..." yada, yada, yada. My response: They don't exist. Men like that don't exist in the real world. Then she came back with the sabotage remark. I don't think that's me. She says I go "looking for problems with the guys I date and have relationships with". Um, don't see it. I have a great friendship with C, who is a guy, whom I have had sex with, and who I care a lot about - in fact I love him, but not in a bf/gf kind of way - I love him as a close friend and I share a lot with him that I never would even have shared with my ex. I don't go "looking" for something wrong with him, and I don't judge him. I stand by and support him with everything he's gone through and is going through now. She says "well, that's b/c you're not in a relationship with him" But, I AM in a relationship with him. And quite honestly - I don't want to be in a relationship with a man who ISN'T my friend on the level that C is on with me and us. That would not be a good relationship - and it would be the equivalent to every other relationship I've ever had.

I've never gone "looking" to find something wrong with a guy I date. Usually, it just smacks me in the face. My ex - I OVERLOOKED all of his faults - and his major fault was other women. I ignored it even when my best friend B warned me about it - while we were married, in my own house and the girl was standing not 10 feet away - she knew - I OVERlooked it. Duh....
I didn't go "looking" to find something wrong with Jim (another ex) - it smacked me in the face and I gave him 2 chances to either back out or continue in the relationship - 3rd time it happened, I walked. I think I am learning faster (Jim had the same problem as Lee - other women). With Lee (ex-husband) it took me 12 years (no, really not joking here - wish I was) to figure it out and leave for good and write him out of my life (quite literally in the divorce paperwork), but it only took me 8 months with Jim - I think that's a better learning curve - do you agree?

At any rate, I'm happy where I am right now. I'm reading my damn ed psych book (ALMOST done - woohoo!!) and have had to do some research. I'm getting ready to start my "social clock" paper - that will be a hoot. At first, I thought I really had screwed myself over b/c I am sssssoooo not on the social clock that everyone else is - and that freaked me out for a bit. But, then I read today that women who choose the more "masculine" social clock of career first over family generally have higher self-esteem, are more independent and motivated than women who choose the "feminine" social clock of getting married in the 20s, having kids over career, blah, blah, blah. Many of my friends chose that route - I'm happy for them. But, I learned quickly to NOT go out with them in large groups - we have nothing in common. In small doses, and one-on-one, we do just fine.

So, why did I start this tonight - oh yeah, the movie. Hmmm.....

Icon-ology ;)

2005-07-27T13:08:00.000-05:00

Thanks to psychosoccermom for pointing me to this site - she always finds such fun things to do!

What Icons are for you?(Thank you for #1!! Please check out my other Memes!!) by ladyallie
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Quiz created with MemeGen!

Jedi + frisbee = accident

2005-07-24T19:53:00.000-05:00

Okay, I promise I'm not trying to kill my dog - remember my 50 things post - I love him a lot!

Idiot me throws the frisbee in the backyard - a high throw. Jedi jumps for it (of course) but too close to the fence. He yelps, lands, then picks up the damn frisbee and limps it over. Not lying - he wouldn't put weight on it at all. Got him inside and checked him - he keeps licking one part of his leg. I've manipulated it and felt all along the bone and he doesn't wimper. He's putting a little weight on it tonight, but I'm still concerned. This is one of those times I wish he could talk!!!!!!! I'm giving it until tomorrow afternoon (24 hours) - if he's still limping he's getting x-rays again. ....sigh.... one more trip to the vet - not that he really minds. Me - oh, I'm just groovy about this tonight. As if I needed one more challenge today or even this frigging week. I was almost in tears earlier - my dog never, never, ever yelps unless he is in severe pain. Maybe 4 times the entire time I've owned him have I heard him whimper or yelp in pain and it tears out my heart every time. He's so stoic - even the vet said that about him. It's hard to tell when he's sick or injured - I love him - he's such a trooper. I realize that this is my fault, and my dad already berated me on the phone for it - not watching what I was doing. But, he normally stops when he's that close, but it's still my fault. This sucks.

50+1

2005-07-22T18:05:00.000-05:00

Something just happened in the yard that just made me smile, so here's #51:

I LOVE when my dog chases the damn neighbor's cat out of my yard and up and over my fence. I do love cats (I own one) but I really do not think it's appropriate to allow your cat to roam free to a) kill birds and b) poop in the neighbor's yards. Therefore, I have absolutely no problem whatsoever allowing Jedi to have a little bit of fun and chase the cat off :-D It was funny as hell and he stayed occupied sniffing the entire yard for any more signs of it for about 20 minutes - and yes, I am procrastinating and I'm getting ready to go work ...sigh...

50 things

2005-07-22T16:59:00.000-05:00

I ran across another blog today that listed "50 things I hate" - well, hate is such a strong word, so I decided to do 50 things that I love instead. This is a mindless, senseless list, and feel free to NOT leave comments. For me, when I'm having a rough day, I can look back on this and find something to smile about :)

1. I love my family - my real family and my extended family (step-sisters I inherited through my dad's remarriage). I really, really love and miss my dad.
2. I love my dog - Jedi (gee, that's a no brainer!)
3. I love my cat - Jasmine
4. I love my friends - B, R, E, C
5. I love to work in my yard, even when it's hot outside.
6. I love lying in bed when it's pouring down rain outside and reading a really good book.
7. I love hot showers - even in the summertime.
8. I love science - I am a nerd.
9. I love learning new things - the main reason I am back in grad school.
10. I love the smell of rain in the fall outside in a forest - everything looks and smells cleaner.
11. I love being at the beach, closing my eyes and listening to the sounds of the surf.
12. I love listening to Jimmy Buffet
13. I love walking - with my dog of course!
14. I love how my house is decorated - and the fact that it is mine and no one else's :)
15. I love being single right now.
16. I love the fact that I can take care of and support myself, and that I have been doing so for 4 years now.
17. I love fantasy and sci-fi movies - I like to just spend the night in watching movies.
18. I love some of my former students as if they were my own.
19. I love my nephews and niece and my two favorite step-nephews, whom I treat as if they are my real ones.
20. I love where I grew up and the fact that I lived in the same house and didn't move for 15 years.
21. I love my dog - I know, it's a repeat, but it's important!
22. I love walking barefoot on the beach and feeling the warm sand between my toes.
23. I love sharks - I think they are incredible animals.
24. I love hiking in the rain in the woods.
25. I love that I am healthy and am able to get up, out of bed and function each day on my own.
26. I love the Caribbean and wish I could go on vacation more often to see the parts of it I haven't seen yet.
27. I love that I am back in school and working towards two degrees to help me in life.
28. I love that I am putting myself through school.
29. I love that I am independent and that I do not ask for help from others unless there is no other way for me to do what needs to be done.
30. I love my department chair - she's my second mom and gives me tons of good advice.
31. I don't know if I "love" this - but I'm glad my husband left me and we got a divorce. I don't think I would be as strong and happy as I am now if we had stayed together. I am glad we split and he doesn't speak to me - I don't need him or want him.
32. I love that I am strong enough to get through the problems life has thrown at me.
33. I love that my friends are there to support me and not judge me as I make mistakes.
34. I really, really love and miss my dad.
35. I love what I do right now, but I am looking forward to moving on in the world and enjoying another career.
36. I love Disney movies.
37. I love taking pictures - if I had enough money to quit my job and support myself, I think I would take up photography full time - especially nature photography.
38. I love any type of ocean animal - they are all really cool.
39. I love planning for the future and accomplishing my goals and dreams - it makes me feel stronger and as though I am making a difference in my life and the lives of others.
40. I love that my friends trust me and ask for my opinion and support as they go through rough times or good times.
41. I love birdwatching - birds are cool and I like to watch them at the feeder in my backyard.
42. I love being outside on a "winter's" day in Florida.
43. I love sitting out back on my porch in my chair my dad made for me - reading or talking on the phone or just enjoying being outside.
44. I love that I am becoming a "girl" and I'm beginning to take more time for me - and that I am not doing it for a "guy" or anyone else - just me.
45. I love that I have gone beyond the stage where I think (and I did think this at one point) that I "need" a man to take care of me.
46. I love watching my roses bloom.
47. I love and miss Irene - she was a big part of my life and my adopted grandmother.
48. I love doing things around the house - painting, fixing, adding new stuff - I love that I can do most of these things on my own without help now.
49. I love sitting in a bookstore or a library and just relaxing and reading a good book.
50. I love exercising and working out and I am thankful that I am able to do these things to stay healthy.

So, that's my list - I could probably think of 100 things, but that would take time and I ....sigh.... have housework and grad school work and school work to do this evening. There are other things floating around in my brain right now - and I am beginning to get my focus back, which is great. So, my next post will have to be on my "mission" - after all, that's the name of my blog and I have yet to write about it in 7 months! Yikes! Where did the time go??

The Lancaster Summary

2005-07-14T16:48:00.000-05:00

Well, here's the summary of the last three weeks of my life in Lancaster, PA teaching the gifted children. I really enjoyed the teaching aspect of it - it was fun and my TA this year was incredible. She was motivated, took initiative, and just pleasant to be around. I am hoping that we will keep in touch.

So, to recap the list that I started during the first week and never finished:

Mork (not his real name) is the designated womanizer (at least to me - and I can usually spot guys like this a mile away now). So, last summer he hit on one of the chem instructor's TAs. It apparently lasted longer than just the 3 weeks, but not long enough for this summer. So, the second or third night, we observe him talking to the TA of the SAME chem instructor as last summer. Last summer, the instructor had a problem with his TA getting to class on time in the mornings, and Mork and the TA were "caught" in the middle of something on a couch by a different chem instructor. So, we started taking bets on what would happen this year. So far, none of us are winning. We pretty much predicted this new TA fling wouldn't last - she's too young for him (19) and Catholic. So, we gave him snaps for trying ;)

My experience began with 2 incredibly delicious martinis at a place called Damon's here in town at the mall - WOW. SSSSSSSSSOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much better than the regular apple tinis I drink - YUM! I downed two in a row without even blinking! I did remember to drink water, but my friend, E (who came up this year as well) had to drive us back to the dorms. I was pretty happy :-D

I unfortunately did not really partake of milk and cookies this year. TOO busy. I'm still technically working for my online job, AND taking 3 onlines grad courses AND teaching up here. What the hell was I thinking???? So, I went one night, it was a pretty sorry excuse for milk and cookies, and left. Milk = alcohol, cookies = appetizers. So, I may go to Doc's later tonight to drink (one final round) OR I may wait until crab fest tomorrow night. Which, should be really interesting this year. I'm still anticipating someone who I thought was a friend and a nice guy (K) making a total and complete ass of himself falling over this girl who is here this year (C) and has a serious bf. Although, he hasn't been chasing after her lately, and he actually asked to sit down and eat with us tonight, and not with her and she was only about 10' away, so that was interesting as well. I'm a little pissy about that. He's been a butthead towards me since that evening with her and a couple of other people. I pretty much distanced myself after that night as soon as I saw what was going on. BOTH of them (and my friend E, who is married) were flirting. E doesn't know that she was flirting, or she doesn't consider it flirting, but she was. I guess when you are single, and my personality is such that I tend to sit back and watch people interact with each other, then you notice things more. Several people up here even asked me what was going on between E and K - I defended her, but I told her about it and she totally freaked out. I did it more to warn her about what can happen here. When you spend 3+ weeks in close quarters with the same people almost 24/7, things are noticed that would not be in a normal situation. You are trapped here, and people talk. I just didn't want it to get back to her OR have someone say something directly to her and she fly off the handle in public or in front of kids - that would have been bad......
So, tomorrow should be fun - since crab fest is BYOB and people get pretty trashed. Can't wait ;)

There is an increible beer up here called Strawberry wheat - it's a microbrew thing. I NEVER drink beer - except up here :) There will be lots of it available tomorrow - so it will be hard deciding WHAT to drink - lol

There is a strange creature living in my a/c unit in my room. It came out again last night and promptly scurried back into the a/c vents. So, we had another talk (since I couldn't get to a shoe fast enuf to squash it). I told it that if it wants to live, it should stay in the a/c unit and eat all the critters living in there. I'm only here a couple more days, and then it can have the room all to itself. I haven't seen it since, but the shoe is now closer to the a/c unit. Following up with bugs - we killed two centipedes (which are venomous and some people are allergic to them) in the bio lab - which also flooded this past week due to the freaky rain we've been getting. The weather has not been as good here as last year - it was actually humid yesterday - which SUCKED!! I come here to get away from the frigging heat and humidity in Florida - not experience it further north!! UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I DID get a pedicure (which has held up very nicely :) whilst up here. I did NOT get my massage :( However, upon return to Florida, I will make an appointment. I'm very glad I brought the Doan's back stuff with me - these beds are horrible and I haven't really slept well in three weeks. I can't WAIT to get back to my bed!!! I am even missing the dog hair on my PJ's and sheets right now ...sigh...

And, to make matters worse than the stinky beds and creatures of the a/c units, for the first 2-3 days in our dorm, we had no. hot. water. NOT joking. And it's not just "cold" water, it's freaking mountain springs cold water when it's below 0 outside!!!!! So, after much complaining to the staff here, they finally fixed it. This happened some last year too. It doesn't sound bad, but when you have hair as thick as mine that traps water like a sponge so it can then trickle down your back even when you are NOT directly in the water, it sucks.

I will say that it is beautiful up here. When I get back to Florida I will post pics - I can't do it from this machine. I will take some pics of the Adirondack chairs on the green and the campus. It's so small and peaceful here. They also have a farmer's market :) with an Amish gentleman who sells all kinds of different jams and jellies. AND a great deli that has magnificent cheese!!! I NEVER buy cheese - I bought 2 pounds of cheese - smoked gouda and a really cool English cheese that is soft and has blueberries mixed in. I know, it sounds weird and I turned up my nose at first, THEN he gave me a sample - WOW!!! It was great. So, we're walking over again tomorrow AM so I can finish picking up jams and jellies for friends (and more cheese for me - we already consumed the gouda on wine & cheese night :) and then we're making a brewery run to pick up beer - oh. yeah. baby.

So, that's it for the moment. I'm sure I will think of more things later - but I have to go for the last study hall session - WOOHOO!!!!!

Smurf-sized panty-liners

2005-07-08T21:23:00.000-05:00

Okay, I know I have other stuff to blog about that's going on here in PA, but I had an obsessive need to share the smurf-sized panty-liner story today. I should also mention that I am procrastinating writing my evaluations while I eat my illegal peanut M&M's (we are the peanut-free site and are not supposed to have peanuts of any kind on campus - which of course means we all begin craving them by the end of the second week).

So, they gave us this little "first-aid" bag during orientation in case a "kid gets a papercut to save the health office from a 1" thick amount of paperwork". So, today, I poke myself with a freaking scalpel blade. Nothing serious, but it WAS bleeding, so I needed to wash it off, put ointment on and a band-aid. And, fortunately (or so I thought) I had my first-aid baggie in my backpack. So, I look for the band-aid. WTF were they thinking???? It's an ADHESIVE BANDAGE OVER 5 FREAKING INCHES LONG. For a PAPERCUT????? What did the paper cut - a four inch long gash in their head?? So, me, in my infinite wisdom and tired brain state held it up to the class and asked why on earth the idiots in the health office gave me a maxi-pad made for a smurf. Yeah, the class pretty much lost it at that point. But, it was incredibly funny and I was pretty pissed off about it. My TA found me a normal sized band-aid. But, if a smurf does actually show up to my class and is needing a sanitary napkin, I'm all set.

Alive ... sort of....

2005-06-30T21:18:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I've not been able to blog for a bit. This will be short since it's late, I've been teaching all day and I still need to get up at 5 AM to work - :-P
I'm in PA teaching incredibly bright kids biology - and loving it :) Except we haven't had a day off in 8 days really - it's a little tiring, especially after the 8 hour drive last Tuesday, and then 12 hours the next - ugh.
However, I am in the heart of Amish country - so we are headed to the farmer's market on Saturday morning. I will have to blog about all the fun people (old friends and new ones) when I have more time.
Things that I need to blog about later and I will - I promise - just so I can keep the memories fresh:
-Mork the chem TA womanizer
-2 Washington apple martinis at Damon's
- Milk & cookies to be - too tired this week to partake :(
-The razing I am getting for not going out and partying every night
-Strawberry wheat
-Adirondack chairs on the green
-Stripping (glucose)
-Amy, my TA - who ROCKS!
-Centipedes
-The spider living in my A/C unit
-The trip to Wal - mart - where the h*** is the DQ again?? singing...
-C thinks he has found "the one"
-OMG I need a pedicure and a massage
- No hot water - but hot food
-Why is my door open and why is there a man in my bed?? - doh!

More to come.....

Hitch"ed" - or not....

2005-06-15T18:28:00.000-05:00

So, I just bought the movie "Hitch" tonight - and rather than do my ever-mounting pile of work - I took a procrastination break and watched it - again. I saw it in the theater - it's even better than I remembered ;)

So here's my random question of the evening - where are those men? Seriously - I've pretty much given up on guys, for any number of different reasons - but mainly because when I think I've found the right one (which has only happened twice), I get screwed: they lie, they cheat, and my heart takes the beating of a lifetime. So, is it just me?? I'm starting to think (dragon - you are of course the exception!) that men are just a pain in the a** and not worth it. Yes, this is cynical me coming out to play tonight. Which is probably why I'm still single and why I have a dog, a cat, a house, grad school, a job and friends that I never have time to see. Is it just me? Am I that horrible as a person? I'm not drop-dead gorgeous that would cause a guy to walk across the room just to talk to me - but is that all guys really look at anyways? I'm starting to think so. If you don't take the time to get to know me, and you (meaning men) are just interested in looks, then it's pretty much a done deal. Talked to my one guy friend - C - tonight. Told him I was feeling it (movie didn't help) and complained that men don't talk to women like the movie does (yes, I know it's a movie and it's a script - blah, blah, blah - it is rather a chicklet movie tho...) but I've never met a man yet who was sincere - which C argued - and then I clued him in. He hasn't called back yet ;) but he will :) I know him well - better sometimes than he knows himself. He hasn't seen the movie yet - but oh, he will!

So, what is it with guys? Just a random thought for the evening. Which coincides with the bizzaro dreams I've been having lately. I really need to leave - only 6 more days until I can and maybe Lancaster will clear out my head a little bit - okay, maybe a lot bit would be better ....sigh.....

Overwhelmed

2005-06-13T15:15:00.000-05:00

I am overwhelmed to the point that I'm not even sure I have time to write this. I have way too much to do and not enough time to do it. To top it off - my dog has been sick, and I got food poisoning last night that kept me up until about 3 AM, and I still haven't been able to eat today - ugh.
Why am I stressing?? Hmmm...here are the reasons:
1) Grad school - I have two classes now and I will pick up one more in about 2 weeks. I still haven't started on my research report (which I'm sure my professor is wondering why he hasn't gotten an email from me updating him on my progress - oh, b/c there ISN'T ANY PROGRESS).
2) I leave for Lancaster in one week and one day. I haven't done any prep for it - including lesson plans that I need to revise. I have to take Jedi to my brother's this weekend, but I still have house stuff that needs to be done before I take him.
3) My yard is a wreck - all this d*** rain. The weeds are loving it, my grass feels like it's knee-high and my poor plants need fertilizer.
4) My house is a wreck - and I can't even blame it on the rain. I hate to come home to a messy house in 4 weeks, but I don't think I will have a choice.
5) Did a I mention grad school?? That's the major stress right now. It's killing me. What the H*** was I thinking??????

On the flip side, once I get to Lancaster, I know I will be able to relax and enjoy, even though I will technically be working. I will have a friend with me this year, and PA is beautiful in the summer. That's why I'm stressing about grad school - I know I will have limited time to work while I am there, so I am busting my a** trying to work ahead (all my courses are online this summer) so if I can't work while I am there, then I won't be behind in the course and can lay off for a few weeks until I get back in July. Right now, I'm about 1 week off from where I need to be. Ugh.

BTW - food poisoning sucks. I didn't throw up, altho God knows my stomach wanted to. In retrospect, I probably should have. I think it would have helped and I wouldn't have been up so long with the other end going every 10-15 minutes (NOT exaggerating here in the least). BAD, BAD, BAD crab!!! Yes, I had steamed crab last night. On the flip side, at least mine cleared PDQ - my friend that feasted with me last night has been feeling it all day today (and she ate more than I did) and is pretty much miserable. Well, misery loves company, but I wouldn't wish food poisoning on my worst enemy - but maybe on my ex- and his new wife.....

Random Sunday AM thoughts....again....

2005-06-05T09:03:00.000-05:00

It's 10 AM and here's what I've accomplished so far today:
I walked my dog for about 35 minutes or so. We drove up to the "nice" trail to avoid some nasty little biteing bugs that seem to inhabit the trail near my house. Unfortunately, these same little nasty red bugs live on the nice trail too - that sucked - but we made it without being bitten.
I did my yard (mowed, edged, trimmed it after fixing the trimmer, and used the blower on the garage and mess in the driveway) - the rain is coming soon, so I literally almost ran behind the mower to get it all done.
I lubricated the hinges and springs on my garage door - 'twas time for it.
I cleaned up the cat puke on the floor - I hate it when she does that.
I took a shower, ate breakfast, and left the final note on the car parked in front of my house - again. My neighbors suck by the way. I've asked them repeatedly to not park in front of my house - it's actually my property and is illegal. I've had the sheriff's office out to talk with them as well. I probably wouldn't be so upset - but they have PLENTY of room in THEIR driveway and in front of their house. I'm over it. The police and code enforcement are telling me that I can have the car towed if it continues to be a problem. This will be the last note that I leave, then I will just start calling in the tow trucks. I hate being that way. If someone (your neighbor) asked you repeatedly and nicely to not do something, why would you continue to do it? Oh - that's right, they are in college and have no respect for other people. I had briefly forgotten about that. Well, what goes around comes around as the saying goes. One day, they will experience what I am and perhaps understand that it pays to be respectful of other people than it does to be disrespectful. We'll see.
My cable modem was out, so I had to fix that (again!). I think I need a new one. It's obviously working now :)

Here's what I need to get done today (oh boy....):

Organize my office - this could be a two week long process in itself.
Clean out my refrigerator - yuck!
Read 2.5 more chapters in my educational psychology text - .....zzzzzz.....
Work through another online module in my other class for IT.
Take a quiz in my ed. psych class - :-P
Clean up my kitchen
Wash the floor in the kitchen
Finish laundry - dreaded! Why can't someone invent self-cleaning clothes?
Unpack the boxes from my car and sort them - some need to go in the attic this week.

Will it all get done? Probably not. I'd like to go to the gym at some point today as well. Maybe later this afternoon when I will need a break from cleaning. Ugh. I'd like to just curl up on the couch with a book all day (and NOT my ed. psych. book either). But, I know that's quasi-irresponsible in light of everything that I need to do today.

Only 3 more weeks to PA!!!!!

An interesting night

2005-06-02T07:24:00.000-05:00

I had an interesting night that has left me with a few things to think about this AM. I went out with a guy I dated about a year ago - C - who was trying to set me up with his friend (which didn't work out btw). We went to see Star Wars. C is the only guy I've ever dated that I've actually remained friends with after we stopped seeing each other. He's really great, but we are just not right for each other. The really great thing is that we can be brutally honest with each other about things. He's got a good heart and mind and he knows me really well - I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing.
So, we were wandering the mall before the movie and he was complaining about being sore from working out, and I said 'you need a massage'. His reply: 'is that an offer'. Me: 'sure'. So, he came back to my place after the movie. Then he spent the night. The great thing - nothing happened. I gave him a massage, he massaged my neck/shoulders, we kissed a little, and then we feel asleep holding each other. I've forgotten how much I've missed doing that. Not necessarily with him, but with someone I care about. I do care about C and what happens to him, but I don't feel romantic or a "relationship" with him. For example: I'm massaging his back and he's talking about this woman that he wants to date but hasn't asked out yet. Hmm....if I cared for him beyond the friendship, I would have felt jealous or hurt in some way - but I didn't. It doesn't bother me, and I was in fact encouraging him to ask this woman out - he needs to find someone and settle down. We talked until about 2 AM (I am TIRED this morning). Unfortunately for him, he had to get up at 5 this AM to go home to get ready for work - I went back to bed and slept until 8 :), but I'm still a little tired. That's what I'm going to miss over the next 18 months or so - the intimacy of someone. Not the sex, but the feeling of being close to someone, waking up with them, watching them sleep (which I did last night for about 30 minutes or so because I couldn't sleep for some reason) and just feeling safe with someone and totally comfortable. I've always felt comfortable around C, that's never been an issue. I almost wish he hadn't stayed, b/c now I know what I'm missing and am going to be missing for a while. But, I don't regret that he stayed - it was nice. I know he's right - someone will be out there that will break down the wall that I surround myself with and get to my core (much like he does), but I'm not going to hold my breath or go looking for it.