Friday, February 04, 2005


Do you ever feel like everything goes in cycles? Just around, around, around - might be different names or different faces, but that things seem to repeat themselves? I'm having a day like that. I had something pretty eye-opening and incredibly frightening happen to me about a year and half ago - I'm having a deja vu of that time period today. At the same time that happened, I met someone whom I thought was going to be "THE ONE" - yeah, that didn't happen. I've met someone recently who has almost the EXACT same personality of that guy - I'm still looking for something wrong with him. Why? you ask - I don't want to get hurt again. The last one left a lasting impression, and not in a good way. And, to complicate things, he emailed today ("ex-THE ONE" not the new, potential). WTF?? (can I say that here??) Do I respond? He made some accusations that I feel like I should address, but is it really worth the effort? In a way, I want him to know how much he hurt me, so I can clear it out of my head, but does it really do any good? I don't honestly think he cares - except he says that he misses our friendship and doesn't understand why I acted the way I did (that was the gist of the email). If I chose to respond, it's certainly not happening today - I'm just not in the right frame of mind at the moment.

As I mentioned to a friend in an email today - I would like to pack my bags (and my dog :), drive to the airport and just leave. Biologically speaking, that is called the "fight or flight" response. Yes - childish, instinctive, dumb, immature, irrational - any others I may have missed? but all the same - the little red devil on my shoulder is saying "go for it!" It doesn't solve anything, it creates new problems, but maybe the new ones won't be as difficult as the current ones. I'm being very honest here - the current ones are EXTREMELY BAD at the moment (not the guy situation - the personal one) - again, about 1.5 years ago bad - and I had really thought that dealing with stuff like that was over and done with.

CYCLES - the Earth is round, it rotates around the sun, the moon rotates around us, the Earth revolves - is that life - just one big circle and eventually, you get a flat tire and you're dead? (b/c you can no longer rotate of course). To go one step further (yes - very biologically philosophical today), we are all working against the universe - second law of thermodynamics: the universe loves entropy aka chaos and disorder. As we continually try to organize things - in our bodies, in our lives, in our minds, in producing new chemicals and molecules that keep our cells running - we are working against the universe. Only when you die do you actually make the universe happy - you decompose and everything goes back to its simplest state and you increase the amount of disorder. NO - that statement does not mean I am suicidal. I guess I am just wishing to turn back the clock to when life was simpler, I didn't have the responsibilities and unfortunately the problems to deal with that I am dealing with today. What time does that plane leave for St. Maarten????


At 11:40 AM, February 05, 2005, Blogger Sascha said...

I go on cycles too! A road cycle and a hybrid cycle! :P

At 12:00 PM, February 07, 2005, Blogger DragonStormInAZ said...

Well, I think I provided my thoughts on your first stage of this post on Saturday, but thought I would add my two dollars (inflation, ya know!) on the second part. Yes, cycles are interesting to think about and taken on the purely physics thing.... first law of thermo... you can't wine (I mean win.... I seem to have trouble not adding the 'e' to that! LOL), second law of thermo.... you can't break even... so therefore you are screwed! That is the physical world, but spiritually, where I consider thoughts, dreams, hopes, ambitions, etc. to lie things can cycle back for good or bad. Take a look at some of the major Eastern philosophical schools of thought and you mind find that there is usually a return to an initial state governing spirituality. You mentioned to me that you are back following the same path with your latest, thus at least from what I can see on the outside looking in, you have returned to the initial state of 1.5 years ago and have an opportunity to take things down a different path and be blessed with a different cycle with perhaps better or worse opportunities, but definately different. I feel like I am talking in a circle now so I will stop before I become a cycle. However, the choice is always yours in this next cycle, whether you admit it or not.


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