Listening....

I'm listening to the rain. It's been so long since we've had a good storm - damn drought! Thanks to TS Fay, we are getting a little bit at least. It's a pleasant sound - have you ever just thought about it? It's calming, soothing, melancholy and reflective in nature.
I've been doing a lot of reflecting this weekend. aka - I've dipped into the parts of my life that I normally keep very well hidden and locked away - even from myself.
Did I mention my mom passed away last year? I think I did somewhere. I'm still dealing with those issues as well - not sure why I was thinking about her tonight - it comes and goes. But that's not where my thoughts were this weekend.

I met up with an old "friend" Friday night. I put that in quotes b/c we really weren't friends much in high school - she was close with my boyfriend, who eventually became the ex-asshole named Lee. She didn't like me much in high school - and I didn't really like her. However, things change, we grow up and out of those phases, don't we? Anyways - she lives up in this area so we met for drinks/dinner. Our lives have a lot of parallels - she's divorced for the same reason (cheating spouse), he married his mistress, she has her master's and is doing her specialist, she's a teacher (although middle school and in a different field than I am), she bought her own house up here as well, and I could go on and on....but I'll stop.
Here's the deep thoughts that I hate when they surface....she remarried about 3 years ago. She met her husband about 8-9 months after she moved to this area and dated about 2 years before getting married (I didn't ask how long the divorce took to complete - there are some questions you just don't ask). I've seen pics of her and her hubby - nice guy, good job that pays really well - she sounds happy and content.
Then, there's me. And I start those deep thoughts - what's wrong with me? We've been divorced for the same number of years, were first married for about the same amount of time. This is going to sound catty, but I don't really give a shit - she's really not aged well. If I saw her on the street and didn't know her, I would have put her in her early to mid-40s - she's only 36. Her ass is twice the size of mine and she's much shorter and "plumper" than I am. I know that's the physical crap that girls generally don't give a rat's ass about when we are looking for guys, but I do know guys focus in on that aspect first, then the rest develops IF AND ONLY IF there is initial attraction. To any guy that might happen to read this - it's true so don't try to BS some comment about how different YOU are - you're not. All females know this.
So - what's wrong with me? Any guy I've dated (especially recently - and I AM 35) has not believed my age - last one put me in my late 20s BIG GRIN. I try to stay reasonably fit and take care of myself as best I can with the time I have - I'm at the gym at least twice a week and walk 2 miles up hills (my ass is kickin' right now! and believe me I'm not bragging - I've been told this several times) in the morning, and usually another mile at night. I can carry on a conversation that doesn't center around hair products, makeup or clothes. I don't smoke. I rarely drink unless I am out on a social occasion and usually just one (I'm such a cheap date....). I don't do drugs - nor have I ever done them (not even one cigarette). I'm reasonably intelligent and highly motivated.
Is there an invisible sign on my head that says "Stay Away"?? Do I smell? I do bathe regularly - every day and sometimes twice a day (on gym days - can't stand to go to bed smelly/sweaty). My only vice is caffeine in the form of regular coke (B - NO comments if you're reading this) or mountain dew.
So, I'm just about ready to give up. I know I won't have children - I reconciled myself with that particular aspect of my life several years ago.
So I think the connection between these thoughts and why I was thinking about my mom - I have a deep and unreasonable fear of ending up like her. Unmarried and alone. She did have kids - 3 of us - but I wasn't there when she passed, nor were my brothers - just my sister-in-law. I've beaten myself up about that enough times in the past year to give myself permanent internal bruising. There's no way I would have made it there - I've done the math for the times & drive times - it wasn't possible, and there was no way to predict when she would pass. There's no way anyone can predict that. So - there it is. Out in the open - my single worst fear of my life. This by no means implies that I will simply go out and marry the next guy I find. Hell, if I were deathly afraid of this, then one of two things would have happened - 1) I would have found some way to stay with my ex-asshole husband, or 2) I would have stayed with one of the guys that I've already dumped, even though I wasn't happy with them. So, I'm not desperate, but I feel as though I am approaching the edge of desperation and I may end up jumping off it - without a parachute. No - not a metaphor for suicide either. There's no way I could leave my dog. Or my cat. Or my dad and family in that way.
So I sit. Listening to the rain. Seriously considering just going outside and reveling in it. Letting it wash over me, and maybe wash away this completely irrational and insane fear that I have inside me that is slowly receding to the deepest part of me, hopefully not to resurface any time soon.