Sunday, August 24, 2008

Listening....

I'm listening to the rain. It's been so long since we've had a good storm - damn drought! Thanks to TS Fay, we are getting a little bit at least. It's a pleasant sound - have you ever just thought about it? It's calming, soothing, melancholy and reflective in nature.
I've been doing a lot of reflecting this weekend. aka - I've dipped into the parts of my life that I normally keep very well hidden and locked away - even from myself.
Did I mention my mom passed away last year? I think I did somewhere. I'm still dealing with those issues as well - not sure why I was thinking about her tonight - it comes and goes. But that's not where my thoughts were this weekend.

I met up with an old "friend" Friday night. I put that in quotes b/c we really weren't friends much in high school - she was close with my boyfriend, who eventually became the ex-asshole named Lee. She didn't like me much in high school - and I didn't really like her. However, things change, we grow up and out of those phases, don't we? Anyways - she lives up in this area so we met for drinks/dinner. Our lives have a lot of parallels - she's divorced for the same reason (cheating spouse), he married his mistress, she has her master's and is doing her specialist, she's a teacher (although middle school and in a different field than I am), she bought her own house up here as well, and I could go on and on....but I'll stop.
Here's the deep thoughts that I hate when they surface....she remarried about 3 years ago. She met her husband about 8-9 months after she moved to this area and dated about 2 years before getting married (I didn't ask how long the divorce took to complete - there are some questions you just don't ask). I've seen pics of her and her hubby - nice guy, good job that pays really well - she sounds happy and content.
Then, there's me. And I start those deep thoughts - what's wrong with me? We've been divorced for the same number of years, were first married for about the same amount of time. This is going to sound catty, but I don't really give a shit - she's really not aged well. If I saw her on the street and didn't know her, I would have put her in her early to mid-40s - she's only 36. Her ass is twice the size of mine and she's much shorter and "plumper" than I am. I know that's the physical crap that girls generally don't give a rat's ass about when we are looking for guys, but I do know guys focus in on that aspect first, then the rest develops IF AND ONLY IF there is initial attraction. To any guy that might happen to read this - it's true so don't try to BS some comment about how different YOU are - you're not. All females know this.
So - what's wrong with me? Any guy I've dated (especially recently - and I AM 35) has not believed my age - last one put me in my late 20s BIG GRIN. I try to stay reasonably fit and take care of myself as best I can with the time I have - I'm at the gym at least twice a week and walk 2 miles up hills (my ass is kickin' right now! and believe me I'm not bragging - I've been told this several times) in the morning, and usually another mile at night. I can carry on a conversation that doesn't center around hair products, makeup or clothes. I don't smoke. I rarely drink unless I am out on a social occasion and usually just one (I'm such a cheap date....). I don't do drugs - nor have I ever done them (not even one cigarette). I'm reasonably intelligent and highly motivated.
Is there an invisible sign on my head that says "Stay Away"?? Do I smell? I do bathe regularly - every day and sometimes twice a day (on gym days - can't stand to go to bed smelly/sweaty). My only vice is caffeine in the form of regular coke (B - NO comments if you're reading this) or mountain dew.
So, I'm just about ready to give up. I know I won't have children - I reconciled myself with that particular aspect of my life several years ago.
So I think the connection between these thoughts and why I was thinking about my mom - I have a deep and unreasonable fear of ending up like her. Unmarried and alone. She did have kids - 3 of us - but I wasn't there when she passed, nor were my brothers - just my sister-in-law. I've beaten myself up about that enough times in the past year to give myself permanent internal bruising. There's no way I would have made it there - I've done the math for the times & drive times - it wasn't possible, and there was no way to predict when she would pass. There's no way anyone can predict that. So - there it is. Out in the open - my single worst fear of my life. This by no means implies that I will simply go out and marry the next guy I find. Hell, if I were deathly afraid of this, then one of two things would have happened - 1) I would have found some way to stay with my ex-asshole husband, or 2) I would have stayed with one of the guys that I've already dumped, even though I wasn't happy with them. So, I'm not desperate, but I feel as though I am approaching the edge of desperation and I may end up jumping off it - without a parachute. No - not a metaphor for suicide either. There's no way I could leave my dog. Or my cat. Or my dad and family in that way.
So I sit. Listening to the rain. Seriously considering just going outside and reveling in it. Letting it wash over me, and maybe wash away this completely irrational and insane fear that I have inside me that is slowly receding to the deepest part of me, hopefully not to resurface any time soon.

1 Comments:

At 3:59 PM, September 04, 2008, Blogger Aubs said...

Isn't it awesome looking younger than your age? I'm 30 but have passed as early 20's (and still get carded). LOVE IT.

Hopefully your fear disappears soon. I've been enjoying your blog and you seem like such a wonderful person! I wish I had your motivation.

 

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