Friday, July 29, 2005

The Notebook

I saw this one in the theater and cried - of course, I then buy it and haven't watched it, knowing that it will be worse now that I know the ending. I was right. My friend R came over tonight - we were supposed to do homework while watching - yeah, rrrrrrriiiiiiiiigggggggghhhhhhhhhttttttt. So, my eyes are red, my nose is stuffy and I cried a lot tonight. I kind of needed to do it - release a little bit - maybe I will actually sleep good tonight.

I've had some really bizarre dreams about my ex-husband lately. R says it's b/c I haven't let go. Believe me, I've let go. When I found out he got married last year - that was the end of it. I don't feel anything towards him - positive or negative - and have no desire to be friends or anything else. I don't want him back. So, why the bizarro dream? I have no clue. I need to get away from here - permanently. I'm ready for a change. I want to fast forward this year and just get it done and so I am one step closer to leaving.

R says I am sabotaging myself. At the end of the movie she's like "I want to find a man like that who will stand by me..." yada, yada, yada. My response: They don't exist. Men like that don't exist in the real world. Then she came back with the sabotage remark. I don't think that's me. She says I go "looking for problems with the guys I date and have relationships with". Um, don't see it. I have a great friendship with C, who is a guy, whom I have had sex with, and who I care a lot about - in fact I love him, but not in a bf/gf kind of way - I love him as a close friend and I share a lot with him that I never would even have shared with my ex. I don't go "looking" for something wrong with him, and I don't judge him. I stand by and support him with everything he's gone through and is going through now. She says "well, that's b/c you're not in a relationship with him" But, I AM in a relationship with him. And quite honestly - I don't want to be in a relationship with a man who ISN'T my friend on the level that C is on with me and us. That would not be a good relationship - and it would be the equivalent to every other relationship I've ever had.

I've never gone "looking" to find something wrong with a guy I date. Usually, it just smacks me in the face. My ex - I OVERLOOKED all of his faults - and his major fault was other women. I ignored it even when my best friend B warned me about it - while we were married, in my own house and the girl was standing not 10 feet away - she knew - I OVERlooked it. Duh....
I didn't go "looking" to find something wrong with Jim (another ex) - it smacked me in the face and I gave him 2 chances to either back out or continue in the relationship - 3rd time it happened, I walked. I think I am learning faster (Jim had the same problem as Lee - other women). With Lee (ex-husband) it took me 12 years (no, really not joking here - wish I was) to figure it out and leave for good and write him out of my life (quite literally in the divorce paperwork), but it only took me 8 months with Jim - I think that's a better learning curve - do you agree?

At any rate, I'm happy where I am right now. I'm reading my damn ed psych book (ALMOST done - woohoo!!) and have had to do some research. I'm getting ready to start my "social clock" paper - that will be a hoot. At first, I thought I really had screwed myself over b/c I am sssssoooo not on the social clock that everyone else is - and that freaked me out for a bit. But, then I read today that women who choose the more "masculine" social clock of career first over family generally have higher self-esteem, are more independent and motivated than women who choose the "feminine" social clock of getting married in the 20s, having kids over career, blah, blah, blah. Many of my friends chose that route - I'm happy for them. But, I learned quickly to NOT go out with them in large groups - we have nothing in common. In small doses, and one-on-one, we do just fine.

So, why did I start this tonight - oh yeah, the movie. Hmmm.....


At 4:29 PM, August 01, 2005, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I saw it in the theatre with you - also bought it - and cried all over again too. I LOVE that movie -but it gets me in a funk too. And usually lasts a few days. Blah....


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