Tuesday, January 17, 2006


Have you ever felt as though you have been manipulated into something? Then, you feel like you're in too deep and can't get out of the situation?

These are not good feelings. I've been manipulated numerous times by my ex-husband - sometimes openly and sometimes not-so-openly. It's really not pleasant.

I'm feeling manipulated right now. The guy that my mother gave my number and email address to - that's where it's coming from. We've talked almost every day since he got my number from my mom. At first, it was just looking at his resume and discussing grad school. I also really enjoyed our conversations the first few days. I made some comments about his resume again recently that I had emailed back - that was almost 2 weeks ago. I ask him each time if he's going to send it back to me. Honestly, I think he has no intention of trying to change jobs to work where I work (since I work from home and it gives me flexibility for grad school, which he says he wants to go back to school). I think it was a sham to do I-don't-know-what.

He knows I'm planning on leaving, and that I'm not going to change my mind. He wants to come up and visit me (he lives in my home town about 1 and 1/2 hours away). That's fine - but I'm just feeling a little odd about the whole situation now.

Also, I feel sometimes as though I'm having a conversation with my mother. Normally, when you're getting to know someone OR you have known them, you take an interest in what the other person has done or is doing and you ask questions about them. That's not really happening in our conversations. I tend to respond with one syllable sounds - occasionally two syllables ex/"okay". He says he's got me all figured out, but he doesn't really know anything about me because he hasn't asked. I can tell you what medication he's taking, everything about his ex-wife and marriage and the kids, his brother's bathroom, his dad and family and his sister and his niece, his trips overseas and I could probably tell you some of the names of students in his classroom. I almost feel he is, at times, condescending. Not overtly - just that "I'm a guy and I know more than a woman" attitude. Let me think - I'm single, I'm independent, I'm putting myself through grad school, I've done my national certification (he's also a teacher), I own my own home and am making improvements on it (putting tile down this month ...grin...) - but apparently I'm still a helpless female. And oh, if he had bothered to ask me I would have told him that I now know how to put in a new light fixture by myself. I mentioned it, but he didn't ask for any details - the conversation went to his home improvements on his house that he did when he was married. It's not that I need to talk all the time, but I don't want to feel as though I could make a recording of a few choice words and just play them back into the phone.

I'm starting to give up all hope of finding a man who sees a woman as an equal and treats her with respect, not a condescending attitude. This is really frustrating. I may not have traveled to Europe extensively, but I've got my shit together. I'm not sure a lot of single 33 year old women can say that either. Maybe I'm wrong - we are, after all, fairly strong and capable of handling a lot more than we are ever given credit for.


At 10:22 PM, January 17, 2006, Blogger Hippo said...

Shhhh...ya hear that...QUIET...listen..shhhhh...ya hear that..that resonating ring seemingly over the horizon. Oh, there it goes again!

I thinks its the remnants of that gonging sound, getting louder and louder, as your biological clock keeps tickin' ahead.


Dr. H.O. Potamus

At 12:33 AM, January 18, 2006, Blogger noelle feather said...

I am a 33 year old woman who DOES not have her crap together, but I'm trying, none the less. I read your blog and am so motivated by all that you are you doing and accomplishing with your life.

My opinion on the guy thing--I just saw Pride & Prejudice, and am HOOKED. I will not lose hope on ANYTHING else but the best. :)


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