Monday, October 29, 2007

Change of plans

I had a very good day today. I attended a workshop on Saturday (with a continuation in 2 weeks) and got a really great idea for a project in my classes -honors to start, then I'll take it from there. I spent most of the day today playing with the idea and figuring out possible pitfalls and how to get around them. I think it will work well. As usual, the people I work with are "less than helpful" when I ask about things. I'm not even asking FOR something, just questions pertaining to logistics. ....sigh..... and the battle at work continues. However, if it's good for my kids, I'm going to continue to go after it. At this point, it's obvious that I won't be making many/any friends here, so screw it. I've always marched to my own drummer, why should now be any different? I think I really had my 3 best years in Florida working with my mentor and 2nd mom. She was always so supportive and appreciative - it's hard not to have that here and to be treated as I am being and not feel discouraged. But, I can always shut my door to the rest of the world and get it done, and I think that's what keeps me going.
I think I am going to *attempt* to go back to school. I have my GRE at the end of the month (again - ugh). There is an actual program at the state university for a Ph.D. in my subject area - I've never seen that before. I think I'm going to try to do as much in the summers as I can, then only 1 class in the actual semester if I'm allowed to do that. Once I hit my dissertation, then I can double up, but I don't think I'll have to be on campus for that. I'm setting a 3 year to completion goal, but that depends on my course sequence and what/when they offer. Can't plan it all!
I think this will, by necessity, need to be short. I didn't sleep great last night, and I think I slept wrong - I was in a lot of pain today. However, when I talked to a friend, her husband had a fusion in his back about 15-20 years ago, and the recovery time on that was only a week or so. I'm hoping things have improved (at least surgical procedures) in that time period and the recovery will be the same amount of time or less. I'm pretty sure that's what they will probably tell me needs to be done - I will find out in 4 short days.

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Life happens

Life has been happening at a faster than normal rate, hence the llllllllooooooooonnnnnnnnnnggggggg break in blogging. Thanks to B for reminding me that I have an outlet that makes me feel better, even if the rest of the world doesn't care to read it.

My mom is dying. She is terminally ill with ALS. This is, by far, the worst disease I've ever seen. I'm not going to go into details. My mom and I have not had the best relationship, and it did not improve with the onset of this illness even tho she knew what it was and what would happen. When she could communicate with an assistive device, she constantly complained to me and had me jumping through hoops to do things for her. It's not that I mind doing these things, however, just once it would have been nice to have her type "Thank you" or "I love you". Yeah, that didn't happen. And now, she can't communicate at all - she has no voluntary muscle movement whatsoever. I spent most of the summer in NC helping out - my brother was in Afghanistan & my sister-in-law just couldn't do it all on her own. So, Jedi & I moved in for about 8 weeks. My mom was all smiles for my brother whenever he came back. When he called a few weeks ago to tell me that things were getting worse and I should come up, I did. She started wailing and crying the second I walked in - but she's all smiles for my brother everytime he is there. It hurts. Even now, she continues to try to manipulate me and can't even pretend to be happy to see me.
On to another topic, I just found out I have a herniated disk in my neck. I will find out next week if I need to have surgery or not, and the extent of the damage. The original ortho is sending me to a doctor in their practice that specializes in spinal injuries. Can't really worry too much about it - what's done is done and I'll do what needs to be done at this point in time.
Finally, for my 35th birthday - I'm going to go get my bellybutton pierced. This is, ironically, the same day I will find out about my neck. Should be an interesting night. As usual, my father has totally forgotten about my birthday. He called to say that my brother from NC will be driving through town either next weekend or the weekend after - but no mention of my birthday. I guess I should be used to this by now, but it still gets under my skin and bothers me a bit.
That's the sum total of my life the past 6 months. Oh - I started a new job. More on the hell that has been later. However, the situation has prompted me to apply for grad school (again! ....sigh....) to get my doctorate. I have no idea if I will get in - I have to retake my GREs b/c my scores are too old - ugh. Oh well, just another hoop that I have to jump thru in life. I really wish someone would quit lighting the damn hoops on fire tho - it makes it harder and harder to deal with them. However, I think I am getting better at jumping thru them - it just sometimes takes a little longer and I feel a little singed. But hey, life happens....