Friday, November 27, 2009

Acceptance is key....

This will be a depressing post - but hopefully by typing it, it might get some of this out of my system so I can move forward. I am hopeful....
I need to come to accept my situation. I think once I can accept it, then I can move beyond it and not dwell on it anymore. I will openly admit here that I think I have periodical bouts of depression. Not just overall sadness, but depression where I do not want to be around anyone or anything - I sleep a lot, cry sometimes (and I'm not a big crier), and even avoid taking calls from my dad (I would say family, but my dad is really the only person that ever calls me on a regular basis).
This could very well be PMS today - but I'm not sure. I feel very isolated from pretty much everyone - and it's the day after Thanksgiving. I do not associate much with my brothers - I just found out that my oldest brother is (once again) driving to NC to completely re-do my other brother's kitchen for him. I've offered to pay him to come up here to do work on my house - and the response is "you couldn't afford my mileage up there" so the answer is "no." Well, it's pretty much the same mileage/drive time between FL and NC as it is up here. I've asked them to come for Christmas this year - in part due to my dad's health, altho I don't tell them this b/c I don't want them to worry. The answer is "no" - the same excuses as always. My oldest brother and his wife will willingly travel to Cape Cod to see her family and spend holidays with them - but not our dad. My brother has his own business, my sister-in-law is a teacher - so it's not like they don't have time off from work to visit. My other brother's wife refuses to travel. She "isn't comfortable" driving such long distances. It's not that I enjoy seeing my brother's very often - we've never been particularly close - I'm pushing b/c I know it would make my dad happy. I don't get to spend the quality time with my dad at the holidays when they visit, but at the same time, it makes the holiday magical for him to have all of us together - they don't realize this at all.

The second part of my acceptance - beyond the loneliness and isolation I feel with my brothers, is the fact that I really have to accept that I am simply not going to get married again, much less have a boyfriend. I met someone recently, and I know in my heart we have so much in common it's not even funny, but there is no attraction of him to me. As such, it's pretty much a done deal. I date - and no man I know is really that attracted to me.

I think that's pretty much it for the moment. Not really sure how I feel right now, but maybe things will improve after I hit "publish post."