Friday, February 25, 2005

Serious determination!!

My friend who lives here in town is absolutely amazed by me lately. I don't think she has ever really seen me in my "truly determined" mode. My other friend that I talked to today commented on it - she knew something was up - I've got "my blinders on". They say that dogs and owners tend to resemble each other over time? Yep - it's true. Jedi, when interested in something, will literally ignore the entire world (even food - and yes, he's a full bred Lab!), until he is satisfied or content. I'm the same way. So the question is.....did he get that from me, did I get it from him, or we are just both OCD personalities?? (and I got lucky when I picked him out!). Hmmmm....not really sure I can answer that one - or really want to - I'm having too much fun.
I may not know where I am going to end up in the next couple of years, but I can definitely say that right now, I know HOW I'm getting to where ever it is I am going to! lol I've finally figured out (for the moment) what I am doing, why I am doing it and how I'm going to get it done - it is SUCH a wonderful feeling!!! I've spent a lot of my life and time focusing on what others want or need or perceive about me - I'm finally focusing on me and my needs and it feels really, really good. Not to say that I'm being selfish - or stuck up or rude in any way - I'm just no longer concerned about what others think - I can't control others so what's the point? But, I can control me and what I do, so I'm going to do it. If someone doesn't like it - too bad - it's MY LIFE!!!! :-D

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Time flies

Time flies when you don't have enough of it. Ugh! Where did February go?? I feel like I have blinked and it has disappeared.
I also think I lost a friend tonight. I think we have some fundamental value differences that were unwittingly uncovered in a very heated argument. Yes, we've talked and said everything's "okay", but I can tell by the tone in both of our voices that it is not. How do you solve that one? Do you just pretend that nothing has happened and move on? Ironically, it was a really stupid disagreement. What bothers me is that she is saying one thing now, but her actions say otherwise - so how do you get around that? We were really close at one point, and now that she's moved, it's made it more and more difficult to stay in touch and see each other. We talk a lot, but I don't think it's the same thing. So, screw up number one for me - and I don't really know how to fix this one. How do you deal with fundamental value differences that suddenly emerge? I don't even think she sees it as an issue - I do. I am very value-oriented and there are certain values that I just cannot accept in people. So, don't know how to handle it or deal with it at this point in time.
Where did this month go?? Does this mean I am getting older since time seems to be moving along faster? I'd hate to think of it that way - that would suck. Ugh - almost wish the month were just over and done with, just to get it out of the way. February is such an odd month anyways - weather is always screwy, so you never know from one day to the next what it will be like outside, it's short so it always seems to go by faster, and bad stuff just seems to happen. Is it spring break yet????

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

I want it all.....

.... and I want it now... Yes - member of the instant gratification generation :) Actually, what I want is not the material stuff really - it's the mushy stuff that most X-gen or Net-gen don't think about. I married well the first time (6-figure salary even without my piddly teacher salary added in) and no amount of "material" made him or me or us happy. Money is nice, but it's not everything....
No, what I want is more personal. I want the family. I want someone in my life who shares some of my interests and that I can sit with on the backporch on a Sunday morning eating breakfast and reading the paper. I think I want a family (besides the dog and the cat). I want time to take more vacations. I want more time to spend with my family and friends that I miss. I want to not be a hermit!!!! Feeling very hermit like today - having a busy week.
So, will I ever get it all? Who knows!?!?! I would like to know, or at least glimpse into the future, to see if I'm going to get it. But, there are not crystal balls and I'm not going to waste my time (what little I have) on that nonsense anyways. Did I mention that I do want a pool? It's not for me - it's for the dog.... so yes, moving to a bigger place eventually and having a pool and large backyard for the beast would be fantastic. But, if I stay where I am for the next 10 years, I'll be okay with that too. It is mine, and it feels good :)
So, am I nuts? For wanting it all - I don't think so - for my impatience, yes, I'm probably a little crazy. Or maybe just really, really impatient and I don't think that qualifies me as crazy. So, give it to me baby!!! lol - just kidding - I prefer to do it on my own :-D

Saturday, February 05, 2005

My dog - "Shadow of the Jedi"

Okay, a happy post for a change :) My dog rocks. He is the world's best black lab (of course, I know that I am biased ;). Seriously though - here are his attributes:
1) He is unconditionally loyal to whoever feeds him - which is usually me. BUT, my friend Rye comes over, and he's got her trained. No, I didn't type that wrong - he has her trained. He meets her at the door, and since he's a lab, he MUST have a gift (a toy or whatever is closest to him that he knows he's allowed to pick up), he presents this to her while making appropriate happy sounds and wagging his tail until it is just about ready to fly off his butt. Then, he bee-lines it to the kitchen and sits, rather impatiently, until she gets there. Then, the magic door to the doggie treats opens, she gets a treat, he presents a high-five paw - he gets food. Now, she follows this ritual everytime she comes over - so - who was trained? Yeah, Rye was. Jedi knows how to work it for food!
2) He's great at keeping my feet warm at night. Again - single, and I don't share my bed with just anyone (a girl MUST have some kind of limits!) He sleeps on the side opposite to me, at the foot of the bed and curls up (VERY small for an 85 pound dog!). Yes, he snores, yes he dreams (my fav is the dream where he thinks he's still nursing - again, he's a lab....), he kicks and occasionally wimpers - in which case I calm him down and wake him up slowly - bad dreams suck even if you're a dog. Then, in the morning, he "G.I. Joe's it" (belly crawls) to the top of the bed, places his head on my chest and waits to have his ears scratched. I oblige, he rolls over and presents his tummy for the morning tummy rub. Again, my dog is good at training humans....if these rituals are not performed, he licks my face and neck until they are. Yes, I know it sounds gross to a non-dog lover, but if you love big dogs, you don't mind the wet kisses - you welcome them :) And no, I don't kiss back - there are some things you don't do even if you love your dog.
3) He keeps me active. I would shudder to think how many miles we've walked together over the past 5 and 1/2 years. I remember one week over the holiday break from school I actually added it up and we walked about 30 miles in 7 days - and we walk a brisk pace - he doesn't like to go slow! I'm looking forward to at least 10 more years of walks. He loves to walk, but his two favs are a frisbee and water - combine the two and you will have a VERY tired, wet, happy dog in about 1 hour. Of course, frisbee throwing doesn't keep me as active as walking, but I love to watch him do a mid-air catch.
4) He shows all of his emotions right on his face. Wow, I wish more people would do that. And if you say I am anthropormorphising my dog - yes, I am, but it's still true. I can tell when he's tired, sad, sick, happy (which is most of the time) and DEFINITELY when he knows he's in trouble. This is my fav - Jedi: "I know she's yelling at me, I can see she's mad, so I just won't LOOK at her while she's talking to me, then I'm not really in trouble b/c if I don't see her, I can't hear her" Does this remind you of any children you know?? I swear he does this - if he's in deep (which isn't often, but it does happen) he will look ANYWHERE else but at me - it's hilarious. Truly - I think dogs are more intelligent than most of the kids I teach, and Jedi definitely follows directions better than most, if not all, of my students.
5) He knows certain English "buzz" words. What are *buzz* words to a dog? Here's Jedi's vocabulary so far: sit, stay, heel, come, go potty, get in here, where's Jasmine (the cat), kitchen, dinner, snack, treat, cookie, left, right, straight (yes, he knows directions verbally or I can just point when we play frisbee), down, off, kisses, tummy up, up or jump up, rollover, high five, enough, around (when we are walking - he'll come around to the correct side), stop, wait, gift, toy, water, okay (release command), who's that (used as the "speak" command), bedtime, scoochies (when I need him to move out of the way), praise words and body language for when he does something right, uncle Tim (my brother), aunt Mary Beth (my sister-in-law), Fargo (their dog's name), auntie Ryan (my friend) and finally, the universal sound of food hitting his food bowl
So, if you're not a dog owner and are reading this - they are a lot of work, but the rewards are so worth it. He is the absolute *best* thing I got out of my divorce. There wasn't even a discussion about who would take him - it was assumed. Yes, I have a cat too, but cats are no where near as exciting or fun. They don't take as much time, but they also don't put out the same kind of love - at least my huge beast doesn't!
And yes, I love Star Wars. His full registered name is Shadow of the Jedi. If he had been a girl, her name would have been Amidala (would have called her Ami for short). I wanted to name him Shadow - but everyone names their black lab shadow - so I came up with the next best thing. :) I will admit, I still haven't come across anyone else (for the moment) who named their dog Jedi :) So, at the moment he's unique - and even if someone else out there did name their dog that, he'll still be unique to me no matter what :-D

Friday, February 04, 2005


Do you ever feel like everything goes in cycles? Just around, around, around - might be different names or different faces, but that things seem to repeat themselves? I'm having a day like that. I had something pretty eye-opening and incredibly frightening happen to me about a year and half ago - I'm having a deja vu of that time period today. At the same time that happened, I met someone whom I thought was going to be "THE ONE" - yeah, that didn't happen. I've met someone recently who has almost the EXACT same personality of that guy - I'm still looking for something wrong with him. Why? you ask - I don't want to get hurt again. The last one left a lasting impression, and not in a good way. And, to complicate things, he emailed today ("ex-THE ONE" not the new, potential). WTF?? (can I say that here??) Do I respond? He made some accusations that I feel like I should address, but is it really worth the effort? In a way, I want him to know how much he hurt me, so I can clear it out of my head, but does it really do any good? I don't honestly think he cares - except he says that he misses our friendship and doesn't understand why I acted the way I did (that was the gist of the email). If I chose to respond, it's certainly not happening today - I'm just not in the right frame of mind at the moment.

As I mentioned to a friend in an email today - I would like to pack my bags (and my dog :), drive to the airport and just leave. Biologically speaking, that is called the "fight or flight" response. Yes - childish, instinctive, dumb, immature, irrational - any others I may have missed? but all the same - the little red devil on my shoulder is saying "go for it!" It doesn't solve anything, it creates new problems, but maybe the new ones won't be as difficult as the current ones. I'm being very honest here - the current ones are EXTREMELY BAD at the moment (not the guy situation - the personal one) - again, about 1.5 years ago bad - and I had really thought that dealing with stuff like that was over and done with.

CYCLES - the Earth is round, it rotates around the sun, the moon rotates around us, the Earth revolves - is that life - just one big circle and eventually, you get a flat tire and you're dead? (b/c you can no longer rotate of course). To go one step further (yes - very biologically philosophical today), we are all working against the universe - second law of thermodynamics: the universe loves entropy aka chaos and disorder. As we continually try to organize things - in our bodies, in our lives, in our minds, in producing new chemicals and molecules that keep our cells running - we are working against the universe. Only when you die do you actually make the universe happy - you decompose and everything goes back to its simplest state and you increase the amount of disorder. NO - that statement does not mean I am suicidal. I guess I am just wishing to turn back the clock to when life was simpler, I didn't have the responsibilities and unfortunately the problems to deal with that I am dealing with today. What time does that plane leave for St. Maarten????

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Why am I here?

I am having one of those days where I am wondering what on EARTH am I doing here??? I never exactly know what brings this on - but usually it means that there's some part of my life that I am not exactly pleased with at the moment, but cannot identify it OR if I can identify it, I can't figure out what to do to make it work with the other parts of my life. (forgive the run-on sentence - NOT an English teacher - lol!). Also, I had a rough day at work with the kids today - so that sometimes sparks it. Normally, I think - I'm doing a good service, providing education, good citizen, yada, yada, yada....But today, I don't even know what I am thinking.
I went on a cruise a couple of weeks ago - I'm wishing I were still in St. Maarten wasting away on the beach and soaking up sun. But, I'm back in reality and it sux right now. I need to start playing the lottery so I can buy a house and move to an island somewhere and not have the responsibilities that I currently have. Something has gotta give soon - I'm just scared of what it's going to be. I can almost feel it coming/see it on the horizon. I'm wondering exactly how long I'm going to be able to handle the life that I have set up for myself without having a complete breakdown. Ugh. But, I can say that I wake up every morning, I'm still alive and the world is still here, so it can be all THAT bad - but, I'm occasionally allowed to wallow in my own little "pity-party" - and I think today is the day for that....
I'm also missing the advice/counsel/venting board of my closest friend right now. She is visiting her family out of town and I don't have the number, and she doesn't have a cell phone (yes, shocking, isn't it??). She's usually the one that screws my head back on and gives me a different perspective, and things don't look so bad. She's the sister I never had, but she now lives about 45 minutes away, so we don't see each other very often. I miss her a lot. I don't have any family around me, so I rely on my friends. Problem is, they keep moving away from me :( Good opportunities for them, so I understand, but it makes things difficult.
So, I think that's it for my pity party - at least for the moment. I have work to do, but I'm procrastinating a bit (hence my logging on to blog), so time to get it done.