Monday, October 17, 2005


I can FINALLY shout from the rooftops that I got the new position at my work that I interviewed for two weeks ago. Now, for anyone that knows me - they will know that this was quite a feat:
I was offered the position the DAY AFTER I interviewed - I was told 7-10 days during the original interview until they made a decision. Right after I am jumping for joy (as much as I can in my car! lol I was driving when I got the call), I am told that I cannot tell ANYONE until a formal announcement is made ...sigh... instant damper on excitement. My dad has been asking everytime he calls about it - ARGH!! Then, we had our annual staff retreat and several people asked me point blank about it and I STILL couldn't say anything - the retreat occured the DAY AFTER I got the position. So, I kept completely quiet about this for TWO. WHOLE. WEEKS. This is a MIRACLE for me (sorry for all the shouting - I'm just so happy I can finally tell the world!!). I don't really want to say what the job is - but it does tie in to my second master's degree = more experience = automatic internship for spring = one more thing on the resume :)

On a totally different note - I had an incredible walk with Jedi tonight. There is a small retention pond that the trail is next too, and all the birds (mostly grackles and sparrows) were all coming in to roost for the night on the cattails in the twilight. We were walking into them as they were coming in. Some dove right at us and maybe missed me by 5-8 feet or so. It was amazing. To have this mass of birds flying around you and over you swooping in past you was just an incredible site and feeling. I almost wish I would have had a camera, but I also think this is one of those rare moments in life where you really had to BE there to really understand how it felt - it was wonderful!

Friday, October 14, 2005

No particular title today

I lost my energy that I had from the last post. It's the middle of October and I have no idea where the last two weeks of my life went! I have a shitload of schoolwork to do, work-work to do, and I think I'm going out of my mind.

I talked to a guy that I "met" online this week on the phone. We talked for quite sometime. I felt pretty comfortable talking to him without any of those ackward silences that you sometimes get when you are first talking with someone. He said he would like to talk again this week and asked if he could call. I hesitated - and he took it to mean "no" - it wasn't that, it was (and I explained) that my schedule would be pretty rough the next couple of weeks with school and work. I haven't called him yet.

Here's the thing - I don't know why I am doing this. Yes, I want to get out and meet people - I've even joined a singles events group with R that's not a dating thing - just events for singles that are put together that we meet up with. I like it - it's fun - it's different - it gets me out of the house and gives me some motivation to finish my work so I can go play. So, why am I pursuing online "dating" again - I don't know. Realistically, if I can work from Georgia at my same job (which I think I can) - I'm leaving in 9 months. NINE MONTHS. I don't want to be here anymore - I'm tired, I'm cranky, I have no family here and I'm sick of Florida. If you are reading this from out of state - don't ever live here. It's snowing in Colorado and it's still freaking 90 down here!! WITH 90-100% humidity - it's absolutely ridiculous. We won't get cooler weather until almost the end of December - it's nuts.

So, what do I do here? I'm not looking for a serious relationship. I'm not even looking for a friend with benefits. And I'm really not willing to get involved with someone when I have my heart and mind set on moving out of here in a year. I probably need to tell him this and let him decide if he wants to meet or hang out or whatever. Actually - I WILL tell him this - I hate being indirect with someone - I don't think that's fair to anyone.

On a different note, I ordered my graduation announcements today and got my tassel. I'm pretty sure I already have the hood - and I have my cap/gown from my undergrad degree that I think I'm going to use - from a distance, no one will know and I just can't see spending $55.00 on a new one that I'm going to wear twice - and R will also get use of it as well since we are about the same height - her mom can hem it for her. I'm really tired too - from school. I could go to bed right now and just SLEEP (it's 6:30 PM here - that's pretty sad).

I am procrastinating right now - it's time for me to go and get some things done. I would type a list, but then anyone who reads this would think I was absolutely insane, so it's best that I don't :)

Sunday, October 02, 2005


Okay, I'm getting back in the swing of things. I will know what this means when I read it again. I think the "funk fog" is finally starting to lift. I have tons to do, but I feel better about myself for some reason today. I've not accomplished as much as I wanted this weekend, but I'm okay with it. I shouldn't be, but it will all get done.

Confidence - or lack thereof

I am hoping that by typing this, it may help me re-think my life and what I am doing later. Or maybe it will just feel good to get this off my chest since it's been bothering me all week.

I have very little confidence in my abilities. It causes me no end of distress to even admit this to myself.

I didn't used to be like this. In high school, I was totally confident in myself and knew what I was doing and what I wanted to do. Yes, life was simpler then, but I made it challenging. I love challenges - I thrive on doing things that are difficult and require thought or work - especially school - I've always been good at that.

So, why has that changed? High school was a short 15 years ago (my GOD I'm getting old!). I think I've narrowed it down this week to two possiblities:
1) My dad and/or
2) My ex-husband

I love my dad. I really do, and this is not to say he did a bad job raising me or anything else. But, he did push me and always taught me that 100% isnt' good enough- you give it 110%. You do it right or don't do it at all. These were the values and principles he instilled in me. I will NOT bore anyone with my C in AP Calculus story and how I was grounded as a senior. But, C's (even on exams) were not acceptable in my house. B's were quasi-acceptable. A's were considered to be the best I could do and should always strive for - it didn't matter the subject or the difficulty - if I wasn't getting an A, I wasn't applying myself. My dad did this for a couple of reasons: 1) he knew I could do it. He had every confidence in my abilities and thought that would be the best way to make me see what I could accomplish. 2) He wanted me, very badly, to go to college and then to med school. I could have - I had the grades for it. Hell - I was making a B in Biochemistry in college and I had pre-med majors around me failing. I tutored some of them. Why not med school? In comes the ex-husband.

My ex really did subject me to about 12 years of psychological abuse. It began in high school. He would always find someone better to date - leading me to believe I wasn't good enough, or I wasn't pretty enough, or accomplished enough, or smart enough, or talented enough (we were both in band). He dated anyone and everyone after dumping me - even my friends. It didn't end when we were in college or engaged the first or second times or married. He constantly compared me to other women and would make comments about how I could be like them if I did this or that. I won't bore with details - most have been (thankfully) forgotten. However, he wouldn't support me in my dreams and goals to go back to school for my master's, much less even consider allowing me to go to med school and supporting me while I was doing it. Why? I might actually prove to be better than him. The only way he could feel better, was to make me feel worse and keep me "lower" than him - financially, academically, any way possible.

I had a test about a week or so ago - in my hardest class. I haven't had a science course in college for 10 years. I have two grad level classes this semester (along with 3 other classes - yeah, I'm insane). I haven't had the pre-requisites for this course - and I got an override to be in there to begin with. I didn't stress when I took the actual test, I stressed when the prof came back with the score breakdown for the course. It's mixed grads and undergrads and some of the grad students are in the Ph.D. program. The grades for grads (say that 5X fast ;) were: 3 A's, 2 B's, and 3 C's. So, my overactive, underconfident mind goes into action. I couldn't possibly make an A with Ph.D. students in the class, or even a B when there are actual master's students in molecular and microbiology program in the class. So, I was pretty sure I had made a C, possibly a B if I were lucky.

I got an A. Not just an A - a perfect score on an entirely essay exam. I half expected the prof to ask me in to confront me to see if I had cheated somehow. Even after earning the grade - I expected them to question me. How stupid is that??? I earned it. I studied. I read. I took notes. I reviewed. I worked my butt off. I earned it. But, in the far back corner of my mind, that little underconfidence voice whispers - 'you didn't deserve it'.

I often wonder why I do the things I do and why I seem to be killing myself to finish my degrees. Or why I did my National Boards during my divorce. This obsessive need I have to prove myself - to everyone else - but I guess also to myself. I AM good enough. I AM smart enough. I CAN do these things. So the question really is: is doing all this a method to regain my confidence that I lost in the 12 years of my ex? Or is it to prove to everyone who always said I couldn't do something that I really can? Or is it both in some small way?


First - excuse any spelling or capitalization errors - it's late and I'm typing off my laptop in my bedroom. Oh, wtf - it's my blog....

There are some type of women that I despise. I normally like most people - I, in fact, get along with almost everyone I meet. As much as C has pissed me off as a roommate, I still do care about him as a friend, and I really hate this little thing he is dating.

Women like her really, totally and absolutely screw it up for the rest of us. She's got him on a chain and is leading him around by his dick. Yep - it's pathetic. She's telling him exactly what he wants to hear: "I love you. I want you." etc. C is lonely - he wants to meet someone and get married NOW. You're probably thinking - there's nothing wrong with her saying that if she means it. Yeah, okay, read on....

First, she's been with a guy for that last four years - and she has not broken it off with this other guy, but is dating C. Hmmm....if she loves you, then why can't she break it off with the other guy? Why wouldn't she WANT to be with C all the time and not have to break dates with him to be with her "boyfriend" - oh, wait IT'S B/C SHE DOESN'T MEAN WHAT SHE IS SAYING. She's playing both sides. She's getting the attention from C that she is sorely lacking with her boyfriend, but is not willing to break it off with the other guy. Yeah, she's screwing both of them (literally and figuratively) and milking the damsel in distress thing to absolutely no end. She's 22 years old - she's playing C - big time.

My friend R came over tonight and we were doing schoolwork and we decided to go out for a change and catch a movie. C was making no move to leave the house (even though he doesn't have his kids this weekend). I figured I wouldn't even see him since he doesn't have the kids - but it's 9 PM and he's here. So, we ask him if he wants to go with us - he agrees. He calls her when we are on our way into the theater and leaves a message of where he's at and what he's doing. Okay - she's not your mom. I find out later that she broke plans with him last night AND tonight - but he still calls her. She calls back before the movie starts and I don't even know what happened there. He said he would call her when he was done. She calls back immediately and he tells me she's really pissed that he's out without her. HELLO??? Guys - answer me this - are you all really so desperate to get some that you enjoy being led around by your dick? She called FIVE TIMES DURING THE MOVIE - he checked the phone every single time - and checked his messages during the movie. I don't get it. She knows you're there - you said you would call back - leave it alone. WTF??? He hauls ass out of the theater, doesn't even say good night to R and I and immediately gets on his phone to call her back, and I presume, go to her place.

Guys - why always the damsel in distress? I really don't understand this. Women like this use you, lead you around, play games with you and you enjoy this? Wow - if this is true, I am absolutely screwed. I have never, and will never do this to someone. Why? B/c I've experienced it first hand and it's not fun - I have no respect for someone who does this either. Women like this really piss me off. When I choose to be with someone, it's b/c there is mutual respect and a desire to be with that person b/c I enjoy their company. I don't play games - I'm upfront and honest about who I am and what I want. I have goals. Yes, I have problems, but I prefer to try and work them out myself and solve them. If I can't, I'll talk and ask for advice or help. I'm fairly independent and do not believe in co-dependent relationships and feeling as though my self-worth is intricately tied to another person's happiness and allowing that person to have control over me. I did that for 12 years - I finally broke that cycle with my divorce - but it took a long time and it wasn't easy, but I did it. I now know the warning signs of it - and I see this with C - he is co-dependent really. He believes his entire self-worth is tied to someone else and not himself. In pursuit of this thing (I'll steal the Hot Librarian's term: psychohosebeast - or PHB for short) he has totally neglected just about everything - including his kids. No, I'm not exagerating that at all. Two weekends now he has NOT gone to get his kids and has had his other son's mother drive over here to pick him up - usually he meets her halfway b/c it's 2+ hour drive each way, and he's already over there to pick up his other kids. I think it's sad - he's totally wrapped up in this thing (I'm sorry I keep calling her that, but that's how I think of her - actually, I'm not sorry - she's a bitch that is ruining good men for the rest of us) and has become wrapped up in solving all of her problems and making his world revolve around hers. Again, guys, if that's what you want, then I'm going to be owning a lot of dogs for the rest of my life - I just won't play that game.