Saturday, January 21, 2006

Mini-vaca day

I had an amazing day today. No cell phone, no computer, no phone. And, I didn't have to drive.

I went with a UCF group to Crystal River to snorkel with the manatees. I think I got some pretty good pictures of two that were sleeping. R and I also found two across the main channel and swam over. They were playing and scratching on the rocks and we were able to scratch them when they approached us. Then, they stirred up the sand and mud so much that we couldn't see them coming up from underneath us. It's a little disconcerting to know that there is a 1500+ pound animal under you somewhere and you can't see it and have no idea where it's going to surface.

It was relaxing, the weather was phenomenal, and the day was just perfect. I will try and post some pics once I get them developed if they turn out decent.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006


Several of my friends have asked me what "Resolutions" I am making for the New Year. Well, I don't make resolutions. I set Goals. I think there's a difference. When you set a goal, you are planning for a specific achievement for the future and you plan out your steps (usually small) to get there. For instance, if I have a Goal to finish grad school, then I know each week what I need to do with my classes and time to accomplish one class at a time. If I resolve to finish grad school - what does that mean? Resolve just means you have willpower to do something. Willpower gets you no where in school in my book. Time management and organization and planning get you through. Any comments on this? Anyone disagree?

My goals are also kept somewhat private. Some I tell other people about, but others are for me and me alone. Isn't that how things should be?

Tuesday, January 17, 2006


Have you ever felt as though you have been manipulated into something? Then, you feel like you're in too deep and can't get out of the situation?

These are not good feelings. I've been manipulated numerous times by my ex-husband - sometimes openly and sometimes not-so-openly. It's really not pleasant.

I'm feeling manipulated right now. The guy that my mother gave my number and email address to - that's where it's coming from. We've talked almost every day since he got my number from my mom. At first, it was just looking at his resume and discussing grad school. I also really enjoyed our conversations the first few days. I made some comments about his resume again recently that I had emailed back - that was almost 2 weeks ago. I ask him each time if he's going to send it back to me. Honestly, I think he has no intention of trying to change jobs to work where I work (since I work from home and it gives me flexibility for grad school, which he says he wants to go back to school). I think it was a sham to do I-don't-know-what.

He knows I'm planning on leaving, and that I'm not going to change my mind. He wants to come up and visit me (he lives in my home town about 1 and 1/2 hours away). That's fine - but I'm just feeling a little odd about the whole situation now.

Also, I feel sometimes as though I'm having a conversation with my mother. Normally, when you're getting to know someone OR you have known them, you take an interest in what the other person has done or is doing and you ask questions about them. That's not really happening in our conversations. I tend to respond with one syllable sounds - occasionally two syllables ex/"okay". He says he's got me all figured out, but he doesn't really know anything about me because he hasn't asked. I can tell you what medication he's taking, everything about his ex-wife and marriage and the kids, his brother's bathroom, his dad and family and his sister and his niece, his trips overseas and I could probably tell you some of the names of students in his classroom. I almost feel he is, at times, condescending. Not overtly - just that "I'm a guy and I know more than a woman" attitude. Let me think - I'm single, I'm independent, I'm putting myself through grad school, I've done my national certification (he's also a teacher), I own my own home and am making improvements on it (putting tile down this month ...grin...) - but apparently I'm still a helpless female. And oh, if he had bothered to ask me I would have told him that I now know how to put in a new light fixture by myself. I mentioned it, but he didn't ask for any details - the conversation went to his home improvements on his house that he did when he was married. It's not that I need to talk all the time, but I don't want to feel as though I could make a recording of a few choice words and just play them back into the phone.

I'm starting to give up all hope of finding a man who sees a woman as an equal and treats her with respect, not a condescending attitude. This is really frustrating. I may not have traveled to Europe extensively, but I've got my shit together. I'm not sure a lot of single 33 year old women can say that either. Maybe I'm wrong - we are, after all, fairly strong and capable of handling a lot more than we are ever given credit for.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

The Matchmaker aka - my mother

So, my mom calls last week and tells me that a guy I graduated with in high school is thinking about his Master's degree and asks if she can give him my phone number and email to help him out.

That really doesn't sound too bad - pretty innocent - unless you know my mom.

Then, the story begins from that oh-so-innocent statement:

Mom: D always asks about you everytime he's in my office (background: my mom works at the high school where D teaches in my home town).
Me: I thought you told me D was married?
Mom: Oh, they got divorced.... it didn't work out.
Me: Okay, I'm sorry to hear that.
Mom: Well, he told me he wanted to ask you out in high school but you were always with Lee (my ex-husband - yes, I dated him in high school, we were doomed from the start)
Me: Well, he was dating my best friend in high school. (In my mind: where the hell is this going?)
Mom: Well, he and some friends are going to Europe next summer and he thought you might like to go.
Me: I can't - no vacation time. Mom, I haven't spoken to D in like 14 years!
Mom: Well, he asks about you all the time. Do you think you can help him with his Master's program? He's thinking about moving to Orlando.
Me (with red flags going off in the brain): Well, it's an interesting town (attempting to be vague). What does he teach?
Mom: I'm not sure - I'll have him call and talk to you.
(Me in brain: of COURSE you know what he teaches, you work in the same flipping school!!)

Underlying messages in this conversation:
  1. Mom would like more grandchildren.
  2. Mom thinks if I find someone in Florida that I will not move to Georgia.
  3. Mom thinks I cannot possibly be happy living by myself without a man.
  4. Mom thinks D is "perfect" for me and can make me happy, since I am obviously so unhappy on my own.

She called again today - she wasn't able to reach him but will see him at work tomorrow and will give him my number and email address.

To be honest - I don't mind helping D if that's really what he's doing. I am assuming (man, I HATE that word) that being a man, there are no ulterior motives. Men, generally speaking, are not manipulating like woman are. Of course, my ex-husband is excluded in that statement - he is quite the manipulating bastard, as was Jim. (Note how I have no problem using full names for ex-assholes, but protect the innocent, or the presumed-to-be-innocents, in my posts ...evil grin....)

So, I'm guessing I will be talking to D at some point and, wow, pointing him to the UCF website for information. Which I also mentioned to my mom, but she said he really wanted to talk to someone who's in the Master's program at UCF. Yeah, okay mom......