Wednesday, December 09, 2009

Still having issues

I'm still having some issues. I've begun to doubt everything I do - it's not too much fun. I graduate soon - I should be excited - I'm not. If I had not already paid for all the regalia crap, I'm not sure I would attend at this point. I feel guilty for taking time off work, since I had to take time already when I was sick.
I'm lonely. There's no other way to say it. I know a large part of it is my fault - but it doesn't help the situation. My "second mom" in Florida has advised me to cuddle up with my dog and not watch chick flicks - that's not really happening. She's asked me to come visit when I have break - I'm not sure if I will or not. I can - and I can probably bring my dog, I'm just not sure I can.

I'm really not sure what to do at this point beyond seeking professional help on some level - which I really don't have time for and I really don't want to do. I'm sure talking with someone will help me feel better superficially, but it's not going to solve the underlying issues that I am dealing with. I don't know what it will take to solve those.

Then there's my friend C - who I was talking with today. She has everything she has ever wanted, and yet she complains. A boyfriend who loves her and is taking her to London for the holidays - and she's complaining about how she has to spend time with him. I would give anything to NOT be alone on the holidays this year. To not have to wake up by myself to just another day. To wake up to someone special who wants to celebrate the holidays and spend time together with me. She has someone that is not only willing to do that, but willing to do that overseas with her and meet his family, and it's not good enough. I think I would give anything to trade my life for hers right now.